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  • The Power of Finding a Writing Community

    We just wrapped up our second online writing course—Write Your Way to a Better Blog—and we learned so much while teaching it. We were first and foremost impressed and inspired by the talent of the 20-some women writers who took the course; their diversity, unique voices, honesty, and courage blew us away. Each of them brought something very authentic and different to the course.

    The most notable impression we took away from this class was the support and camaraderie that exists among bloggers. Sure, you hear about blog envy (I mean, who hasn’t had that? That viral post last week that you totally should have written yourself!), competition, and an overcrowded market. Sometimes it feels like we’re stepping on fellow bloggers’ laptops to come up with the most provocative title, most poignant reflection, or funniest personal anecdote. It can be overwhelming.

    But when we started this six-week class, we were pleasantly surprised to see how instantly the bloggers taking the course began to interact, to support one another, to offer ideas and feedback, and even to share each other’s accomplishments. Our intention was to provide a class chock-full of helpful advice, tips, and exercises, and of course we hope that happened! But another component of the course that was equally meaningful was the community of writers that emerged from within it.

    We learned that having a writing partner (all the participants in class were paired up with another writer) is an invaluable tool, as is finding a writing community. In the blogging world, we hear so much about “finding our tribe,” and many of us are lucky to do just that without too much trouble. I personally would have stopped blogging long ago were it not for the support, understanding, and virtual cheerleading of my own blogging tribe.

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    Me with two of our HerStories contributors at the BlogHer 2014 Voices of the Year Reception.

    Among the many benefits of finding a writing community are:

    1. Meeting writers who get what it’s like to be part of the online writing world: it can be overwhelming and discouraging. There’s nothing like a conversation with another writer who “gets it.”
    2. Someone to provide honest and helpful feedback on your work. It’s amazing how another pair of writer’s eyes on a piece can help you; a fresh perspective can do wonders for a blog post or potential essay that has been stagnating.
    3. Finding encouragement and inspiration. Sometimes we all need to hear that our writing matters, that our words have the power to touch, entertain, and explore, and it’s so helpful to have a community of writers to give you that much-needed lift.
    4. Learning new styles of writing, topics to explore, and opportunities for publication. Being part of a writing community can open doors that you may not have known even existed. It’s like girls’ night and a networking session all rolled into one.

    We are happy to announce that now that our online course has ended, we are offering Write Your Way to a Better Blog as a PDF! Although it won’t have the online course interaction component or instructor feedback, we think we’ve found a way for bloggers to get that writing community experience we think is so valuable.

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    We encourage bloggers who have bought the PDF to join a brand new Write Your Way to a Better Blog Facebook group we’ll be forming for discussion, interaction, and support. The group will be community-led, and we think you’ll make new connections and learn so much from each other. We encourage you to team up and find a writing partner (or maybe you already have one who will join the class with you!) within the Facebook group. Complete your exercises and assignments together; keep each other accountable; provide honest and helpful feedback on each other’s work.

    You can learn all about the course and the PDF, and buy a copy for $29 (the price will go up to $35 next week, so hurry!) right here. We hope you’ll learn a lot and find a fantastic writing community of your own. In the words of one of our students,

    I’ve taken quite a few blogging classes and a few writing ones too but what I was really craving was something that combined the two. I blog to write and my goal when sit to post on my blog is to improve my craft. The Write Your Way to a Better Blog course was exactly what I needed. The instructors are fabulous and the lessons and exercises so incredibly helpful. In the first week or two of class, everything felt so much clearer. And, so essential, everyone is so supportive. It was a truly fabulous experience and I know I’m a better writer now than I was 6 weeks ago!

    Purchase the PDF of Write Your Way to a Better Blog right here! And stay tuned next week as we announce our next online writing course, which will begin at the end of January!

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  • How to Publish a Book With Toddlers

    When Jessica and I began the submission process for My Other Ex, each of us had a two-year-old at home. By the time we’d published the book, our kids had turned three, an age I maintain is even more challenging. Any veteran parents out there know the woes of raising toddlers and can attest to the impact they have on one’s productivity. Frankly, it’s shocking that we got any work done at all during the hours our children were conscious. Somehow, we pulled it off, and looking back on the whole experience, there are a few, um, memorable aspects that stand out.

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    1. Phone conversations are less than professional. To anyone who doesn’t know, Jessica and I live dozens of states away from each other and have never actually met in person. Which means that daily emails and weekly phone calls are absolutely essential for us to stay organized and on top of things. Often, one of us would cover the mouthpiece to urge our offspring to go ahead and watch one more Daniel Tiger or to remind them that no, it wasn’t Daddy on the other end of the line. Or Grandma. Yes, have another bowl of Goldfish. But there was one epic phone call when both our children were at home and awake. Mine was upstairs in her bedroom, supposed to be napping, and she was hollering, singing, and banging the wall, all the while strumming a plastic guitar with her foot through the slats of her crib. I’m dead serious. As the two of us attempted to engage in a coherent conversation, both of our children could be heard screeching, whining, and bellowing demands in the background. It sounded as though we were conducting business in a lunatic asylum. Which, we kind of were.
    2. Mommy’s “office” gets very little respect. When we were in the thick of the book mailing process, the floor of my toy storage area living room office was littered with boxes, envelopes, books, and those annoying little adhesive label pieces from the back of the mailers. My toddler insisted on wrapping every single last one of those strips around someone’s wrist as though it were the 21-and-over bracelet slapped on hipsters at the entrance to a seedy nightclub. This was the delightful era in which she, if left unsupervised, would poke holes in any and all pieces of paper with a pencil. Thus, she literally poked holes in much of my work, including the address labels I had printed to ship books. Paper was wasted. But that wasn’t the worst of it…
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      Boxes, mailers, address labels, those fun “wristbands” strewn about… and of course naked baby dolls and discarded dogs.
    3. Bodily functions and fluids played a prominent role I know. We’re grossed out, too. One of our children, whose identity shall be protected, actually pooped on his/her mother’s book notes. That may have been the same day in which he/she dumped a toddler potty full of urine into the heating vent—it’s hard to say. The day that I stopped by the hip indie bookstore to meet the owner, schedule a book event, and drop off a copy of My Other Ex, I had to bring my daughter with me. Being the stellar parent that I am, I of course bribed her with a lollipop for good behavior. And she was downright charming while we were there. Except for when, in the middle of our conversation about my book event, she loudly announced that she needed to poop. Poop happens– what are you going to do? Not bring your toddler on professional meetings, for one, but such is the life of a work-at-home mom with limited childcare. Of course, the biggest doozy of them all occurred at the actual book party. Everything was going beautifully … until my three-year-old vomited all over my husband. At my book release party. It’s true. Fortunately, after hearing her weakly proclaim, “I don’t feel well,” he hurried outside where she promptly threw up on him, avoiding contaminating the bookstore itself and preventing me from scoring any future book gigs with them. They managed to catch my brief reading and thank-you to my family and friends (Incidentally, I thanked my daughter for not throwing up on me), but pretty much missed the party.
    4. Snacks, Netflix, grandparents, and preschool are absolute necessities. Oh, and husbands help, too. Those hours when our children are being cared for by other family members or were at preschool were golden. During those magical windows, I often had to force myself to step away from my laptop to use the bathroom, as I was bound and determined to make every second count. Due to the nature of publishing, there were times when our kids were home and there was still work to be done. Enter aforementioned parenting crutches. Sure, we don’t recommend planting your child in front of the television with a handful of juice boxes and Uncrustables for hours on end(although it does sound tempting), but there’s no way we would have been able to have a phone call, return an email, or get all that editing done were it not for the miracle of the uninterrupted Netflix children’s series. Yes—even Caillou. Sometimes we choose the lesser of two evils: constant interruptions and shirt-tugging or the muted soundtrack of a whiny bald kid? Desperate times.

    Although the presence of two- and three-year-olds is less than desirable when attempting to read submissions, edit essays, and publish a book, we’re here to tell you: It can be done. Our first book about women’s friendship came out exactly a year ago, when our kids were two, and we can’t wait to see what the next publication experience will bring with a couple of three-and-a-half year olds and a new baby for Jessica!

    Join our community and sign up to receive our newsletter! Receive email updates by subscribing in the sidebar. You can follow us on Facebook and Twitter, too.

    **Remember! Our deadline for submitting to Mothering Through the Darkness, our upcoming anthology about postpartum depression and struggles, has been extended to January 1st. Submit an essay here.

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  • We Have a Big Announcement!

    We have exciting news, and we are thrilled to finally share it with our HerStories community today! Last week, we signed a contract with She Writes Press to publish our next anthology, Mothering Through the Darkness! We could not be happier about this. Have you heard of She Writes Press? In the publishing world, many people refer to them as a “hybrid publisher.” In their own words, this is how the She Writes team describes their business:

    She Writes Press is unique in the world of publishing because we’re neither traditional publishing, nor are we self-publishing. We have begun to bill ourselves as a “third way” and we proudly occupy the gray zone, a much-needed alternative in a rapidly changing publishing landscape.”

    She Writes is an independent publishing company that gives writers more control than a traditional publisher; they provide high-quality services as well as a positive community experience.

    Jessica and I have had a great experience with self-publishing our first two books; we particularly found our groove with My Other Ex. But we are very much looking forward to publishing with She Writes—from working with their cover designer, to their editing team, to being part of a community that helps promote women writers and their work.

    For more information on She Writes Press, their services, and how to submit your manuscript to them for consideration, visit their website. Right now, our book is slated for publication in fall 2015! We are so excited; we’ve been steadily receiving submissions, and we look forward to receiving more in the coming weeks. If you’re thinking about submitting an essay but you’ve been on the fence, we hope you’ll take the plunge.

    On that note, we are happy to share that we will be extending our deadline for our call for submissions and writing contest for Mothering Through the Darkness. The deadline for submissions is now January 1st, 2015. For more information on the anthology, the guidelines, the contest, and how to submit, read this post. And you can submit your essay directly by following this link.

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    Subscribe to our newsletter to continue receiving updates about our project and our partnership with She Writes Press!

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  • Book Club With The HerStories Project

    Are you in a book club? Book clubs aren’t always quite as easy or fun as they sound; even our own advice columnist, Nina Badzin, has struggled with book club drama! Some book clubs run into trouble when members disagree about the “terms” (you know, whether or not your group actually reads the book or whether they just sit around and drink wine and talk about their kids), and some book clubs can’t seem to agree on a book that interests all of them. I’m embarrassed to say that every single book club I’ve ever been part of (three!) has dissolved for one reason or another.

    But maybe you are one of the lucky ones and you have the perfect book club. Now all you need is the perfect book! (Do you see where I’m going with this one?) Not surprisingly, we think My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends would make a fantastic book club book. Here are just a few reasons why:

    1. Essay collections make for an easy, enjoyable read: you can put the book down and pick it up as often as you like, reading a whole section of the book in one sitting or just an essay or two at a time.
    2. These stories are real, which makes them even more compelling and relatable. We think you’ll find yourself somewhere in these essays, if not over and over again throughout the book.
    3. Friendship breakups and loss are universal; everyone can relate to the loss of a close friendship, whether it occurred recently or many years ago, and whether you were the one who was left behind or you did the walking. Reading about the friendship endings of others is sure to stir up some memories and feelings, and that makes excellent fodder for book club conversation.
    4. You might actually experience some relief, a catharsis, or an “aha” moment by talking about friendship loss with other women. One of my best friend’s husbands always says, “Have fun at therapy!” whenever we get together. It’s true: women gathering together and talking about the richness, complexity, and pain of relationships can be extremely therapeutic.

    And if that’s not enough to convince you, we have one more fun reason why we think My Other Ex would make a great choice for your book club. If your book club decides to read and discuss My Other Ex for its next meeting, you can have a complimentary Skype call with one of the editors! During your book club meeting, either Jessica or I (Stephanie) will be available for a Skype call where members of your group can ask us questions about the book, the publishing process, the essays, or friendship breakups in general. We already have one lined up, and we think it’s going to be so much fun! Send us an email at info@herstoriesproject.com if you’re interested in setting up a chat for your book club meeting! You can buy the book here, and we’re including some Discussion Questions below to get you thinking:

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    Book Club Discussion Questions for My Other Ex

    • How old were you when you experienced your first friendship breakup? Who ended it? Did it take a long time to recover?
    • Have you had many friendships end? Did they fade away or were the breakups more dramatic?
    • When was the most recent time a friendship with a close friend ended? How did you feel?
    • Have you ever broken up with a friend? Why? Did you feel guilty?
    • Has a friend ever badly hurt you by ending your relationship?
    • Have you ever had a friendship end unexpectedly? Was it more painful than a gradual ending? Why?
    • Have you ever had a friendship end because of a romantic relationship? Did you lose friends after a divorce (yours or a friend’s) or after ending a romantic relationship?
    • Have your friendship breakups affected other friends in your circle? Did people have to take sides? Have you ever been “left behind” when your friends chose another friend over you?
    • What do you wish you’d done differently in the breakup? What do you wish your friend had done differently?
    • What would you say to your friend now, if you could?
    • Did you ever have a friendship end and it brought you relief?
    • Have you broken up with a close friend only to reconnect later? How did it change your friendship?
    • Do you think friendship breakups are more or less painful than a romantic relationship ending? Why?

     

    We would love to hear your reactions to the book! If you’ve read it, please consider writing a review on Amazon– it means a lot to us! And please spread the word to other book clubs you know! Happy reading!

    Connect with us! Are you signed up for our newsletter yet? Sign up in the sidebar to keep up to date on all our news and announcements. (Spoiler alert: We have a big one coming on Monday!) You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter.

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  • My Other Ex Contributors Dish About Their Essays and New Projects

    It’s been more than a month since My Other Ex released! Recently we asked our contributors to reflect on the experience of writing, editing, and submitting their essays, as well as becoming a part of the HerStories Project community and their future projects.

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    How long did it take you to write and edit your essay for My Other Ex? Did you receive any feedback on it before you submitted it?

    Elline Lipkin: About three weeks.  Got great feedback from a local writing group I belong to.

    Alyson Herzig: It took me about a month and I worked with a professional editor.

    Katrina Willis: I wrote the essay in an afternoon and tweaked it for about a week or so. I didn’t let anyone read it before I submitted, and I didn’t tell anyone that I had submitted — not even my husband.

    Jennifer Simon: Maybe 3 months? My husband and two writer friends all read and edited it.

    Alethea Kehas: Not too long, since I adapted it from my memoir manuscript. It underwent some editing in the earlier stages.

    Did you have any concerns about privacy, about protecting the identity of the characters in your essay, and about your essay affecting your present relationships? If so, how did you deal with your concerns?

    Shannan Younger: I did, and while I had a few different friendships in mind to write about, I selected the one that would least impact present relationships. I did feel like I should tell my subject that I wrote about her, but my efforts to find her have been unsuccessful.

    Katrina Willis: I wasn’t concerned about privacy. As a blogger, my life is pretty public, anyway. But my former friend and I do have mutual friends, and I was concerned about their reactions. My intent was not to defame, but to present my own feelings, my own viewpoint. I fully understand and respect that she has hers, too.

    Estelle Erasmus: No. [My friend] Laura was involved every step of the way. I even changed some of the sentences based on her input.

    Alison Lee: Yes, because I reconciled with the friend I wrote about. I asked her first if it was alright if I shared our story (she’d read the blog post I wrote), and she said, yes, go ahead! She also read the final draft before I sent it in for submission. I did change her name.

    Other than your own, which essay resonated with you most deeply? Why?

    Shannan Younger: Alethea Kehas’ story of tween struggles may have struck a chord with me both because of my experiences and because my daughter is in junior high now and I write about tween issues. She captured the pain that tween girls can cause each other, and it made me think about her mother, too, in terms of both what Althea did and did not share with her and her reaction. It hit home on multiple levels.

    Estelle Erasmus: I would say Alexandra Rosas’ because she just wouldn’t get that the woman didn’t want any kind of deep friendship with her. She was lonely and I remember being so lonely in the beginning of motherhood when I hadn’t yet formed any kind of community. It was hard and I could definitely see my feelings leading to that kind of desperation. I actually grabbed a guy who had a baby girl my daughter’s age in the elevator of my building and asked (or was that demanded ) for  him to have his wife call me. She was my first mom friend and my story is a happy one. Although she has moved away, we are still friends to this day.

    Alyson Herzig: “Girls Interrupted” by Alexis Calabrese touched me deeply. Having a son with autism has taught me that many people don’t know what to say or do. For years others fell by the wayside leaving him and us looking in. I felt her pain when she realized that her friend had diminished her child and his life through the heartless play her husband had put on. Her friend Erika’s lack of understanding and compassion resonated with me, because I have lived that life. I live that life now.

    Sandy Ebner: Each of the essays touched me deeply so it’s very difficult to single out just one. However, Alison Lee’s, “The Internet Breakup” really hit home for me because I’m going through something very similar to what she describes in her essay.

    Katie Sluiter: Oh gosh. This is a hard choice. I am going to pick Arneyba Herndon’s because I laughed and got angry while I read it. I mean, if I was there, I would have at LEAST saved her sandwich for her!

    Lea Grover: I think “Delilah.” The narrator was very much me, at the beginning of middle school. Unlike the Delilah of the story, though, my friend became incredibly abusive, and dominated my life for years. That story broke my heart, because there were so many times I wish I’d just disappeared and broken our friendship instead of sticking around, and the sense of regret in there about doing it kind of healed something in me that’s been broken for a long time.

    What have you enjoyed most about being a part of this anthology?

    Elline Lipkin: The incredible community online.

    Shannan Younger: My favorite part has been hearing the stories from contributors of how they have heard from friends and sometimes reconnected, of being reminded that people change and that there’s hope for some people on whom we have given up.

    Estelle Erasmus: The leadership of the editorial team, Jessica and Stephanie. They have gracefully and graciously navigated us through the publishing journey with them and in the process we have met and befriended each other.

    Alison Lee: Everything. The thrill of seeing my name in print, of being part of the project alongside 34 other amazing writers and two incredible editors. Reading the reviews has been wonderful, learning about the reviewer’s stories and their thoughts about friendship. I’m just so proud to be part of this anthology.

    Alexandra Rosas: Being able to no longer carry my story inside of me. I felt freed.

    Sue Fagalde Lick: The sisterhood that has developed among the writers.

    Alyson Herzig: The interaction with so many wonderful and amazing ladies that are outside my normal genre. I have been humbled by the credentials of the others. I have also been enjoying the camaraderie.

    Lea Grover: Realizing that there is a much higher standard I should be holding myself to as a writer, and aspiring to do that.

    Katie Sluiter: Other than the fact that I now have my own author page on Amazon, I have really loved the new connections I’ve made with the contributors. We are all pretty diverse, but this one thing – losing friends – has brought us together. It’s a pretty cool thing.

    What is your advice to other writers who hope to get published in anthologies?

    Alyson Herzig: Even if it is not your normal genre you should submit. Let your readers see all the many facets of you, not just one. It expands your base and builds a solidarity with a group of women that you most likely would not have had otherwise.

    Kristin Shaw: Try, and try, and try again.  First, polish your work before it’s submitted – it’s hard to see the mistakes in your own essay, and you become melded to the words you have created without looking at them objectively. It’s important to find a few editors you trust to give you honest improvement suggestions.

    Victoria Fedden: Look for calls for submissions that speak to your experiences. Then try to imagine what the most common submissions will read like and be about and write the total opposite so that your piece stands out. Any way that you can be original or unique or find a new perspective on the topic will better your chances.

    Alison Lee: Write and submit. In writing your story, stay true to your voice. Edit brutally. Ask for feedback and be prepared to take any criticism, because they’re there to help you. Then submit. Don’t think that your writing or story isn’t good enough.

    What are your current and future writing projects?

    Elline Lipkin: I’d love to write both essays and more reported pieces for sites like the Atlantic and Slate (dreaming here!) about things/topics that affect women and girls.

    Estelle Erasmus: I am working on getting some of my essays published that have been taking space in my laptop for years. I sort of put stuff on hold in the early years of motherhood, but now it’s time to take everything off the back burner and begin again. I was thrilled to be published on Marie Claire and that is just the start for me. I’ve also reconnected with some publishing mentors from my early career and I’m excited to see where that will lead.

    Alyson Herzig: I am working on my Mental Healthy anthology, having just gone through all the submissions. It will be published in 2015.

    Kristin Shaw: One of my essays will be featured in Bannerwing Book’s Precipice anthology in October, and I have written two chapters for Carolyn Savage’s new book series (she is an author and Today show correspondent) that will be released early next year.  I have written a children’s book with Kelly and Rick Dale from the History show American Restoration, and we’re hoping it will go to print later this year.

    Katrina Willis: I just finished my next novel, tentatively titled “Parting Gifts.”

    Sandy Ebner: I’m working on a short story about a Vietnam vet, and am getting ready to start a revision on the novel I’ve been working on for what seems like forever. I’d also like to do a collection of essays.

    Lea Grover: I’m querying a memoir, and I’m working on an erotic fantasy e-book series. It’s AWFUL.

    Victoria Fedden: I just finished a piece about postpartum depression and OCD and I am about to embark on my third memoir.

    Jennifer Simon: I am publishing articles on various websites and working on my piece for the new anthology!

    Alison Lee: I just had twins at 34 weeks, and I have many thoughts and emotions about our time in NICU. I plan to write a series of essays on this, as well as general experience with twins (and four kids!). I’m also keeping an eye out on future anthologies and other writing opportunities at various websites and magazines. I’d love to be published again!

    Alethea Kehas: I’m working on some poetry and a Y/A book that would probably be in the category of Fantasy.

    Katie Sluiter: I just submitted an article on using mental health issues in a secondary classroom (I’m an English teacher) to a scholarly journal. I am also working on an essay for the HerStories Project’s next anthology about Postpartum Mood Disorders.  And I’m always writing alongside my students. Since they will soon be writing personal narratives, I have started my drafts so they can use them as mentor texts as they start their drafting processes.

    Alexandra Rosas: Hoping to have my collection of 35 short stories published under cultural memoir/Latina heritage.

    Sue Fagalde Lick: I’m marketing a novel and working on a memoir about the years I cared for my husband through Alzheimer’s disease.

    Do you have any questions for any of our contributors about their writing and submitting experiences?

     

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  • HerTake: Nina’s First Column!

    We are thrilled to present our first advice column with Nina Badzin today! HerTake: Practical Tips for Modern Connections is a monthly column in which readers can ask Nina questions they have about navigating relationships in an era of social media, blogging, and online connections. The topic for our first column is relationships in crisis or transition. Nina answers two reader questions today—we’d love to hear your thoughts and any other advice you might add in the comments!

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    Dear Nina,

    How do you know when a friend really wants to stay in touch? We were friends for three years before I moved out of state. Once I moved we spoke several times a year, but she never initiated. We are friends on Facebook, but I consider that a passive friendship. Receiving a ‘like’ is not the same as a phone call.

    I sent her an invite to my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah; she never responded. I knew she probably wouldn’t come, but she has relatives in my state, and I wanted to extend the offer. She, in turn, invited me to her son’s Bar Mitzvah. We didn’t go, but I did RSVP.

    I called a mutual friend who lives in her state (that I have a similar type of relationship with) and then suddenly that day the original friend sent me a message on FB. I responded with joy and asked to make a plan to speak on the phone. She never responded, but she did ‘like’ the pictures of my kids I posted over the weekend.

    So: to call, again, or not? To send a holiday card, or not? Why reach out and say she was thinking of me, when she had no interest in actually speaking to me?

    Please help,

    Sick of This Long Distance Limbo

     

    Dear Long Distance Limbo,

    As my husband once told me, friendship is a game of tennis, not bowling. When you bowl, the ball easily comes back to you. In tennis, you need someone to hit the ball back or you would look like a lunatic trying to race to the other side again and again. Like with friendship, there’s no game without a partner. Not that friendship is a game.

    No offense to my husband, but writer Maria Popova of the popular site Brain Pickings found a better way to reflect on this situation of an unengaged or one-sided friendship in her review of Andrew Sullivan’s book Love Undetectable: Notes on Friendship, Sex, and Survival. I recommend the entire article, but I will share a portion of one of Sullivan’s quotes that Popova highlighted in her review.

    Sullivan writes,

    “Unlike a variety of other relationships, friendship requires an acknowledgement by both parties that they are involved or it fails to exist… Friendship uniquely requires mutual self-knowledge and will. It takes two competent, willing people to be friends. You cannot impose a friendship on someone, although you can impose a crush, a lawsuit, or an obsession. If friendship is not reciprocated, it simply ceases to exist or, rather, it never existed in the first place.”

    In this case of your long distance limbo, I would say your friendship did indeed exist while you lived in the same town, but it’s clear to me that your former friend no longer wishes to stay in touch now. I’m willing to bet this is not even personal; rather, it’s a function of the fact that you were friends for three, not thirteen years before you moved. I imagine you both have childhood or college friendships that also require the work long distance entails. Perhaps the connection that the two of you had of three years was not enough to keep her engaged for the long haul now that you live apart.

    You asked how to know when a friend really wants to keep in touch. To me it’s simple: you know because she calls, emails, and sends texts, and so do you. I have friends from high school and college that I do not speak to often, but if too much time passes, you better believe that I pick up the phone or send an email with genuine interest on what’s new in their lives. I’m not sure I could make the same effort for a friend that I’ve only known for a few years when my long distance slots are already taken. I would probably stay in touch via Facebook likes at that point, not because I didn’t enjoy and appreciate the friendship while it existed, but because reality dictates that time is too limited to stay in touch with everyone.

    You also wanted to know why this former friend would reach out in that Facebook message if she doesn’t truly want to be in touch. My guess is that she felt guilty when she heard you spoke to the mutual friend. For a moment she decided it would be nice to reach out, but she couldn’t stick with that plan long enough to respond when you wrote back. I would not see her Facebook message as a desire to keep in touch, but more a desire to let you down easy.

    We do not know why this friend decided to let the connection with you fade out, but I want you to ask yourself why you would want a friendship of any kind with someone who did not RSVP to your daughter’s Bat Mitzvah? You seem like someone who is willing to do your part in a friendship. That lack of a simple, “We are so sorry we cannot attend, but thank you for including us,” is beyond comprehension. Nobody says she had to come, but to forgo the most basic etiquette and not at least check the “no” on the RSVP card is rude and mean-spirited. At that point the question was no longer whether she wanted to keep in touch with you, but whether you wanted to keep in touch with her. And that answer should have been no. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve better treatment than an ignored invitation to such an important family event.

    As for what to do at this point, I would let the friendship stay in Facebook “like” pleasantness if you don’t mind seeing her updates. If seeing her news bothers you at all, then hide/unfollow her (do not unfriend her as that is too aggressive in this case) and make this new Jewish year about finding a great new connection in town.

    Perhaps the HerStories community has another take or additional points to make?

    Hope the conversation is helpful! Nina

     

    Dear Nina,

    I have a friend who was there for me during a very difficult time in my life, one where I needed to vent regularly. Since that situation has thankfully resolved, I’ve found that every time I talk to this friend, she’ll include a little dig about me, like about my housekeeping abilities, or the terms of endearment I use for my children. It makes me feel very uncomfortable, and it makes me not want to keep in touch with her (she lives in a different city).

    I’m so grateful for all the listening she did for me when I needed it, and I don’t want to just walk away from our relationship, but I don’t appreciate being put down every time we talk. I think it’s more about her personality than a deliberate attempt to be mean. I’ve always avoided confrontation like the plague, but I’m not sure that’s the best idea in this situation. What should I do?

    Thanks for some thoughts,

    Tired of the Digs

     

    Dear Tired of the Digs,

    I think it’s safe to say that being there in bad times is a basic tenet of friendship. That said, some friends are especially good at sticking with you throughout a low period. Perhaps a friend is particularly attentive because she has suffered in her life, which makes her more understanding of the next person’s need to analyze a situation for months or even years. It could be that in this case your friend was an excellent listener because she was also in pain and felt palpable relief from her reality by focusing on yours.

    Nevertheless, no matter how much this friend helped and listened or why, you do not owe her a free pass to criticize you. She is continuing to give you advice even though you are no longer asking, which is her way of letting you know the areas in your life where she disapproves. I don’t blame you for feeling fed up with the unwanted commentary, especially over such minutia. What is to her what you call your children or how well your house is organized? They are not her children, nor does it sound like she lives close enough to spend much time in your home. I can only imagine the judgments she’s passing on more compelling matters.

    I understand why you’ve lost the desire to keep in touch. A long distance friendship takes so much time and effort if you’re going to do it right. (By doing it right, I do not include merely “hearting” each other’s pictures on Instagram.) Conversation on the phone is key, and if that conversation is laced with digs, I think you have to decide how much confrontation you can handle to make it stop.

    I believe you have three choices.

    1. Continue with the relationship as is, which allows you to avoid any confrontation. (I don’t recommend this one, but I have to acknowledge the option exists.)
    2. Allow the relationship to fade back from so much prominence in your life. A slow fade would probably include taking longer before returning phone calls and texts and keeping conversation light when you speak. Fading back is different from fading out, which would include ignoring all of her attempts to stay in touch like the former friend mentioned in the question above did to “Sick of the Long Distance Limbo.” I think a total fade out would be unnecessarily cruel before trying to make a fade back reframe the relationship.
    3. Call her out on her actions the next time she makes a dig. She might randomly say, “I know someone who can give you a recommendation for a house keeper.” I want you to respond with a tone of surprise, “Whoa, that’s not a very nice thing to say considering I didn’t ask.” I don’t think you need to go through and point out every offensive thing she has said in the past, rather, you would name her behavior on the spot for what it is with words such as “hurtful” and “insulting.”

    How will you decide which choice is right? I think that depends on whether you believe she is capable of changing. If you think she is, then it’s worth trying #3 the next time she says something rude. If not, then I would go with #2, starting with the fade back and moving to a fade out if things don’t improve.

    I hope that helps! Maybe others in the HerStories community will chime in as well.

    Good luck! Nina

    _______________________________________________

    Have a question you would like to see featured in October?

    To celebrate the release of the HerStories Project’s book My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends I am continuing with the theme “friendships in crisis.” Just know that here at HerTake I am always open to questions focusing on relationships online and in “real life” with all the modern issues that come up these days, even ones particular to writers and bloggers. What do you if you’re always commenting on a friend’s blog, but she never returns the favor? What if you meet a blogging friend in real life and all the good chemistry you have online disappears in person? What if your spouse’s family hates your blog? You get the idea. Submit questions on the anonymous contact form, and feel free to include your email address if you’d like a response from me even if we don’t have space for your question.

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