Stephanie Sprenger, Author at The HerStories Project

Stephanie Sprenger

A #SoGladTheyToldMe Twitter Party and Social Media Blitz

Many of you may have followed Stephanie’s viral post, “I’m Glad They Warned Me,” and the resulting social media campaign that we announced a few weeks ago, #SoGladTheyToldMe. We were absolutely blown away by the support and feedback from readers, and we want to thank all of you so much for supporting the social media movement and the efforts to change the cultural dialogue about motherhood by sharing your own photos and stories. We’ve received almost a hundred photos from mothers sharing their #SoGladTheyToldMe messages, and more keep coming every day!

Since the campaign’s launch, Stephanie was interviewed by The Chicago Tribune, WGN Radio, The Huffington Post, and was on live TV with 9 News Denver. Websites in Australia, Canada, and the UK have featured their own stories on So Glad They Told Me. We have been genuinely moved and inspired by all the women who have come together to share their truth and present a broader, more realistic view of motherhood, all while providing support and compassion to other moms.

To celebrate, we’re having a big social media blitz on Tuesday, February 17th. We’re inviting moms everywhere to take photos of themselves with their signs and share them all over social media that day with the hashtag #sogladtheytoldme. Post your messages (you can just share your sign without being in the photo yourself, if you prefer!) on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. To make an even bigger impact, change your profile picture on Facebook on the 17th to show your support and raise awareness.

We’re also having a Twitter party on the 17th at 9 PM EST where moms can share their photos and their stories, and bloggers can share their own #SoGladTheyToldMe blog posts. The HerStories Project will be giving away an Amazon gift card AND announcing our next book topic and call for submissions. Don’t miss it!

To participate in the Twitter party, follow @HerStoriesTales and @MommyIsForReal and use the hashtag #sogladtheytoldme. It’s easiest to use TweetDeck and make a column that follows the hashtag! We can’t wait to reveal our next project and call for submissions!

You can find all the media links and updates on #SoGladTheyToldMe right here. We hope you’ll join in on February 17th by making your own sign and sharing your photo! Here is a photo gallery for inspiration!

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Sharing Common Friends With an Ex-Friend

UPDATE (2019): FIND NINA AND HER COLUMN AT HER NEW FRIENDSHIP ADVICE SITE

Today’s question for Nina is about dealing with a friendship breakup when the two parties have many friends in common. What is your advice for a reader about how to share friends with an ex?

Nina is always accepting anonymous questions so keep them coming!

Dear Nina,

Jocelyn and I recently split for good. We were part of a much larger online and real-life friendship group, but the two of us were particularly close. The specifics of our breakup are not pertinent. I also wanted to mention that I’d be willing to try again with our friendship, but she’s not.

Here’s the reason I’m writing: I now feel awkward with the rest of our mutual friends. Jocelyn and I have not been together in the group since we split up, and I’m afraid that no one knows we’re no longer friends. (I haven’t told anyone.) However, I’m also afraid that if they do know it’s because Jocelyn told them, and I don’t know what she said about me.

How do I get beyond this and just feel comfortable with all my other friends whether or not she’s there, or if I fear she’s talking beyond my back? Should I be up front with our other friends that our friendship is over, or should I just never mention it?

Signed,
Worried About Post-Breakup Fallout

Dear Worried About the Post-Breakup Fallout,

The first and most helpful piece of advice I can give you for this particular situation of how to share friends with an ex is one that will come to play often in your life, and it’s probably harder to implement than anything else I will say here today: You must accept that you cannot control every person’s opinion of you.

That fact goes beyond controlling other people’s behavior, which is also true. No, you cannot dictate what Jocelyn says about you, or to whom (her behavior). You can only work on how much you worry about others’ perception of you based on what she says or based on their simple knowledge that the two of you are no longer friends.

There are two ways to let go of that worry:

Do not say anything unkind about your ex-friend.

Keep treating your friends well, and if the subject of Jocelyn comes up, I think it’s fine to say, “We haven’t spoken in a while.” If someone asks you directly whether the two of you are no longer friends, I’d say, “Unfortunately we’re not, but I hope you understand that I don’t want to get into the details.” This way you’re being honest, but you’re also showing that you’re not going to bring the group into the issue between the two of you. This is the part you can control. You get to dictate how you act and not getting people to take sides is the classy route to take.

Self-Talk

The other way not to worry what others think about you (once you know your behavior is in check) is to engage in some self talk. I will often tell myself that exact message: “I cannot control what anyone thinks.” Say it to yourself before you go out with these friends. Remind yourself a few times while you’re together. It often takes an actual effort to force your mind to think in a more positive way. This new way of thinking will not happen magically; you have to teach yourself to alter your thoughts.

Now let’s talk about the reality of what happens when two friends have a falling out, but they still share common friends. If we’re dealing with adults here, I’d like to think that most of the friends in the wider circle would feel bad for both of you that things did not work out. Any decent person (and they’re your friends so I’m assuming they’re decent) would not revel in the pain you and Jocelyn are feeling. Perhaps they’re even hoping that the two of you will work things out one day.

Is the Friendship Really Over?

There’s one final issue to address: I wonder if things with Jocelyn are truly finished, or if there’s a chance to turn this breakup around. Could you write her a letter (not an email, a letter) reiterating your willingness to take responsibility for your part of the falling out and to forgive her as well? I would tell her that you have no expectations in the near future, but that if she were ever open to it, you would be interested in a friendship in the future.

Once you’ve put your feelings in writing (a powerful act), you can feel confident that you’ve done your part to rectify your mistakes and forgive Jocelyn for her mistakes. I say this because right after college my best friend and I “broke up” and about a year later I wrote her a long letter. It took her a few years to respond, but we became even closer than we were in college, and now she’s been an important person in my life for the past 10 years. To tell you the truth, the breakup made us even closer than we might have been. My point? I wouldn’t write Jocelyn off forever.

Good luck to you! And I’m sorry you’re dealing with the pain of ending a friendship and the dilemma of how to share friends with an ex-friend. I know it isn’t easy.

Nina

We’d love to hear your questions about friendship, difficult social situations, and online connections. Ask Nina an anonymous question using this form.

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I’m So Glad They Told Me: Changing Conversations About Motherhood

Last week I read the viral post, “They Should’ve Warned Me,” by Jenny Studenroth Gerson, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Although it was a lovely portrayal of her smooth transition to motherhood, it rubbed me the wrong way and I decided to write a response. In my post, I wrote:

I believe that all mothers, regardless of how smoothly or horrifically their transition to motherhood unrolled, should be part of changing the cultural dialogue about new motherhood. It is so beautiful, powerful, important, magical—of course it is. But it can be haaaard, and it doesn’t come naturally or easily to many women. Our babies don’t all coo blissfully and sh!# unicorn glitter. Sometimes they never stop crying. Sometimes we have no idea what to do with them. As I read Gerson’s article, I kept thinking, “How would a woman suffering from postpartum depression feel while reading this?” Defective, discouraged, humiliated, I suspect. Perhaps even like a failure.

“I’m Glad They Told Me,” my response to Gerson’s Huffington Post article, is the first post that has ever gone viral on my website. I was floored. The response from other mothers who had a similar reaction to Gerston’s post was overwhelming. I was truly humbled by the support and sharing. A few days later,Huffington Post ran my response, and the comments and messages kept coming. I was so moved by how many women reached out to me to share their own perspectives. It became clear to me that many mothers felt ashamed and isolated after reading Gerston’s article, well-intentioned though it may have been, as their experiences had been a far cry from hers. They felt their voices had not been heard.

So this week, we are issuing a challenge to mothers. Now is the time to raise your voice, and share your experience. We want to hear from YOU now. Did anyone throw you a lifesaver at some point—either during your pregnancy, postpartum period, or even later into motherhood? Did someone give you a piece of advice or an honest admission that you were profoundly grateful for? Maybe somebody gave you permission to feel your feelings, or to let go of something. This week, all across social media, we are using the hashtag #sogladtheytoldme and asking moms to share the pieces of truth and wisdom they’ve received. Things like this: I’m so glad they told me
- That sometimes you don’t fall in love with your baby right away, and that’s OK.
- That you might miss your old life, and crave your lost freedom.
- Breastfeeding can be really hard work, and it may not happen for you.
- That postpartum depression happens, and that it’s not your fault.
- That your marriage may need a long, difficult period of adjustment. It’s normal.
- That you may even resent your husband.
- And worse, that you may sometimes resent your baby and your new lifestyle.
- That it’s OK to ask for help. There is help.
- It’s OK if you don’t feel like getting back in shape for a while. Take your time.
- You might not feel like yourself at first. You’ll come back.
- Every baby is different, and if yours is harder than your friend’s, it’s OK.
- You might feel like you suck at this. You don’t.
One of the reasons we decided on the subject matter for our upcoming anthology, Mothering Through the Darkness, is because we believe there is a serious need to present a broader, more balanced image of motherhood in our culture. When we only present one side of the story—the serene, “natural,” smooth side—we do a disservice to mothers and families everywhere.

I believe that there is a way to provide realistic, supportive guidance to new mothers without assaulting them with overwhelming, negative “warnings.” With our #sogladtheytoldme campaign, we want to hear how somebody supported you, or how you wish you had been supported, when you became a mother.

We’d love to see your photos of your personal “I’m so glad they told me…” signs. Mothers, please take a photo of yourself holding your sign and share it on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook with the #sogladtheytoldme hashtag. Or just post a photo of your sign, or a simple text only post. Bloggers, we’d love for you to write your own blog posts or and share them with #sogladtheytoldme. Let’s spread a compassionate, real, honest message about motherhood as far as we can.

You can also email us at theherstoriesproject@gmail.com or Facebook message your photo to us if you prefer. Jessica and I will be compiling photos in our #sogladtheytoldme campaign to create a photo gallery sharing your amazing, powerful voices. Please spread the word to all the mamas you know! Together we can change the conversation about motherhood.

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Turning An Acquaintance Into a Friend

Today’s question for Nina comes from a blogger struggling to take an online friendship offline. Here’s what she’s really asking: What’s the secret to turning an acquaintance into a friend?

Nina is always accepting anonymous questions so keep them coming!

Dear Nina,

Another blogger (let’s call her Anna) and I follow each other on Twitter and Instagram and on each other’s blogs. Although I comment far more on Anna’s blog than she does on mine, I get the sense through our writing that we have a lot in common. I especially get this sense when Anna periodically initiates a quick comment to me on Twitter or Instagram. In those cases she’s obviously proactively gone out of her way to reach out, even if slightly. I was doing this a lot myself in her direction initially, but I got the feeling that I was being overbearing, so I dialed back.

Anna and I happen to live less than 25 minutes apart, and I’d like to get together. I see her publicly comment to other folks on social media (who live much farther away) that she’d love to meet up some day, and in some cases she has done so with bloggers in our geographic vicinity. She’s never suggested anything like meeting up with me though. I’m afraid that if I suggest a quick coffee or something, I might rock the apple cart or seem like I’m stalking her and the pleasant acquaintanceship we have now will vanish, which I don’t want either. I’m so terrible at reading signals in real life, so via the internet is even harder! Advice?

Thanks!

Trying to Take the Next Step

Dear Trying to Take the Next Step,

This is an excellent question and it really has nothing to do with the internet or blogging though the online relationship adds an extra layer of easy, quick intimacy and therefore confusion. More than the online issue, however, I want to focus on the idea of turning an acquaintance into a friend.

I suspect that many of us have experienced what you’re describing. I have certainly felt that pang of rejection that comes from watching someone who seems like good friend potential connecting with others, but showing no interest whatsoever in me. It’s the kind of situation that can leave one wondering, What’s wrong with me? Why not me?

Why do some acquaintanceships deepen and some stay on the surface forever? There’s no exact answer to that question because any of the following or a combination is possible: chemistry, timing, or simply one’s friend plate being too full at the moment.

You’re correct that some of this takes an awareness of signals. I think you’re better at reading them than you realize. The fact that you dialed back from commenting so frequently on Anna’s social media happenings when you noticed a major imbalance tells me you’re paying attention to cues. I would never endorse a tit-for-tat approach to online or offline relationships. However, when your gut tells you that you’re consistently putting in far more effort, it makes sense to spend some of your reading and commenting time elsewhere. That goes for offline relationships, too!

IF YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ANNA, YOU HAVE TO ASK.

There is truly only one way to know if Anna is open to getting together: You have to ask. It’s entirely possible that these other bloggers who have been out with Anna are the ones doing the asking. Maybe Anna is particularly magnetic and people tend to seek her out. It doesn’t mean she won’t have room for you, but it is more likely that you will have to take the initiative.

And when I say, ask, I mean specifically state what you’re hoping for and provide some options. I say that because when an acquaintance says, “We should really get together!” I hear, “blah blah blah.” On the contrary, when I hear, “Send me a Tuesday or Thursday that you’re free for coffee,” I hear, “I want to be your friend.”

A REAL LIFE EXAMPLE OF TURNING AN ACQUAINTANCE INTO A FRIEND

Beth became my good friend after she blatantly pointed out (in an email) that we have tons of friends in common and she couldn’t see any reason why the two of us did not have a friendship of our own. She added that she always enjoys talking to me when we run into each other and that she would love to see me on purpose. Then she offered some lunch dates. I found Beth’s honesty and directness utterly refreshing. I responded with, “You’re right. Let’s do this.” We met for lunch several times without any of our common friends in tow. We exercised together every so often the next year, and had play dates with our kids at some point after that. Now I can’t remember a time when Beth was not a trusted friend, but it probably would not have moved out of the acquaintance phase had she not reached out and had I not reached right back.

IF ANNA DOES NOT REACH BACK

The reaching back is where things can get murky, and I know this is what you’re fearing. After you ask Anna if she’s free for coffee or lunch and offer specific dates, you might get something back like, “Would love to! Things are so crazy right now. Let’s touch base after spring break.”

Before you allow yourself to fall down any kind of shame pit, let’s give Anna the benefit of the doubt. She may truly be too busy to commit to a date right now and prefer not to schedule out too far knowing that she could have to cancel. I would try one more time after spring break in a case like this, but if at that point you can’t get her to commit, it’s time to move on with no hard feelings.

Here’s where you will have to keep reminding yourself that any lack of interest on Anna’s part is likely not personal and truly just about the factors we already discussed, namely, timing and the friend plate being too full. I brought up chemistry before, but I think it’s worth mentioning that even good chemistry is not always enough to overcome the anxiety over spreading oneself too thin.

If Anna does not reach back, you should not feel bad about yourself (she hardly knows you), nor should you worry that the pleasant online relationship you have will change. That piece is in your hands. As long as you don’t act wounded over the situation or entitled to her time, I don’t see any reason why the good rapport you two shared would change.

BOTTOM LINE

A good acquaintance, either online or offline, is not as special as a good friend, nevertheless, she can still be a value-add to your life. As far as I’m concerned, this can be a win-win situation.

Good luck!

Nina

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Introducing the HerStories Voices Column

After publishing two books, teaching a few online writing courses, and completing two calls for submissions, we have come to a realization: we are absolutely blown away by the writers in our HerStories Project community. The women who have submitted to our anthologies and taken our writing courses often leave us moved, amazed, and speechless with their writing. And we think it’s time we shine a spotlight on the talented voices in our community.

We are positively thrilled to announce a regular HerStories column, coming in March, featuring your voices. The HerStories Voices column will be an opportunity for women writers to submit essays to be featured on our website twice a month. And we are even more excited to share that we will be paying you to share your essays with us.

We’ll be publishing essays twice a month as part of our regular HerStories Voices column, and paying $40 for each essay that we publish. So what are we looking for? The column’s tagline is “Real Women, Real Moments, Exceptional Stories.” You can visit our brand new Submit to HerStories Voices page for full details on how to submit, along with some submission guidelines and suggestions. But to put it simply, here’s what we’re asking:

Send us an essay focused on an experience or moment – big or small – that transformed you or made you realize something important.

We aren’t asking for specific subject matter or themes, but rather essays that are connected by a universal thread of moments of change, and uncovering meaning from your experience. Our favorite personal essayists are skilled at knowing the difference between an “anecdote” and a moment of change that’s the basis for a meaningful story.

In Writing Motherhood, Lisa Garrigues points out that most of us do not look back on our lives and remember days or months or years. Instead, we remember moments. She says, these moments

“are not necessarily sensational or traumatic, but they are usually transformative…. The same is true for motherhood. What makes motherhood memorable is not the vast chronology of raising our children from diapers to adulthood but rather the moments — big and small, significant and insignificant — that happen every day.”

These small moments and their accompanying meaning, inspiration for growth, or impetus for transformation, are what we want you to share with us in your essay submissions. We have some fantastic essays we’d love you to read for inspiration. These essays, all written by members of our HerStories Project community, are great examples of the type of content we are looking for with this series.

If you’re looking for a roadmap to help you craft, refine, and submit the perfect essay, our winter writing bootcamp, Publish Your Personal Essay, is a great fit! This six-week, self-paced, interactive online course begins February 2nd. Registration is limited, but we have a few more spaces left! Learn how to develop, revise, edit, and skillfully submit your personal essay while becoming part of a writers’ group. We’d love to have you! You can read full details and sign up here.

Please check out our HerStories Voices submission page for full details on how to submit, reminders about what we’re looking for, word count, and contact information. Essay submissions can be sent to herstoriesvoices@gmail.com. We will publish our first two essays in the new column in March! We can’t wait to read your submission!

Be sure to join us on Facebook to keep up with our growing writing community!

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Get Published: A New Class and Writing Goals for the New Year

It’s a new year, and for many writers, that means an opportunity to reflect on a new set of writing goals. For some that may mean carving out more time to write regularly, to overhaul and rebrand our blog, or to improve networking skills. But for the vast majority of us, writing goals in the new year involve getting our work published. But where? And how?

Some people may not know that a lot of writers struggle with insecurities, envy, and self-doubt that can lead to a lack of focus and ultimately, inaction. (Oh, God. It’s not just me, is it?) We see links from our writer friends show up in our newsfeed, sharing articles they’ve published on prestigious websites; we scan our favorite magazines to discover who wrote that incredible piece we wish that we had written, and we stare at the same rough draft in our folder that has been taunting us for months. Why is it so hard to take the next step? And how exactly can we achieve our goals of getting published in the new year?

If you have dreams of getting your work “out there” this year, you’re not alone. We love this article and podcast on Beyond Your Blog, sharing some of the writing goals bloggers want to accomplish in 2015. Many writers have the drive to keep writing and submitting, but aren’t exactly sure how to go about it. That confusion can be a roadblock to taking any steps at all—finding the impetus to just take that first step can be hugely important.

We are beyond excited to announce our next writing class, an interactive online course that will focus on that one thing that so many writers want to accomplish in 2015: getting their work published. The Publish Your Personal Essay Writing Bootcamp will focus on several key objectives: crafting an excellent personal essay, revising, editing, and polishing it for a particular publication, and submitting your essay to the perfect place. We will provide a roadmap of popular publications for submitting work, including both traditional print and online magazines as well as high-profile websites. Writers can learn more about the publications they’ve had their eye on, gain a better understanding of the submissions process, and get a behind-the-scenes glimpse at how to impress editors.

In addition, this course will also emphasize the value of participating in a writer’s group community; participants will learn specific skills to help one another revise and edit their work. Have you ever been asked by a fellow writer to help edit an essay? It’s often difficult to know where to begin. The Publish Your Personal Essay Writing Bootcamp will provide unique tools for critiquing the work of your fellow writing group members in addition to providing important strategies for crafting and revising your own essay.

We are pleased to include the expertise of Susan Maccarelli of Beyond Your Blog and Norine Dworkin-McDaniel of the Science of Parenthood, as well as Lauren Apfel of Omnimom and debate editor at Brain, Child magazine and The HerStories Project’s developmental and copyeditor. Both will provide feedback on your essays, from editorial suggestions to tips for submitting to the perfect publication.

Common obstacles for writers who want to get published are:
1. A lack of clear direction— what are my options? Where do I begin?
2. Uncertainty about which publications are out there, which ones would be a good fit for their work, and how to submit.
3. Challenges with revising and editing their pieces– revisions are often the most challenging (and yet essential!) part of the writing process, and many writers have a hard time editing their own work.
4. They feel like they’re working in a bubble without any feedback, suggestions, or inspiration from other writers.
The Publish Your Personal Essay Writing Bootcamp will address all of these obstacles to help you achieve your publication goals in 2015. Being part of a writing community can be such a powerful experience. We hope you’ll join ours! The online course begins February 2nd, and is limited to 20 students because of the interactive nature and personalized feedback provided in the course. The class is now full. Make sure you sign up to learn more about spring classes!

**Are you a blogger who wants to take their writing to the next level but are short on time or money? Try our Write Your Way to a Better Blog course; the PDF is available for only $20 for the remainder of January to help you with your blogging New Year’s resolutions! Along with the six weeks of lessons, you’ll also be invited to join an interactive Facebook discussion group. Find out more about the course and download the PDF here.

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