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HerTake: Should an Ambivalent Wife Leave Her Marriage?

When should a midlife woman leave her marriage?

During the HerStories Project relaunch, we announced that Gen X women at midlife is the new focus for essays and classes at our site. The relaunch included a call for questions for our resident advice columnist, Nina Badzin, that goes beyond friendship dilemmas. Although Nina will take questions related to friendship as they pertain to midlife women, we couldn’t think of a more representative dilemma for our site’s relaunch than the one presented in the question below.

Nina is always accepting anonymous questions here.

Dear Nina,

I’ve been married to my college boyfriend for almost 20 years, and we have two kids — a teen and a tween. I’m in my mid-40s, and I’ve been experiencing a mid-life crisis in good and bad ways. One of the good ways is that I have a sense of this being a turning point where I can let go of past failures and insecurity and move forward with a better sense of myself.

An uncomfortable symptom of this sense is that I’ve become more and more aware of disappointment in my marriage. My husband is a nice guy and an excellent provider and (I’m pretty sure) has always been faithful. But I think I knew early on in our relationship that we had very different interests. In recent years, he has gotten more intensely interested in three (count ’em, THREE) different hobbies. When I ask him to go on a date or do something with the family, it often feels like he’s pulling himself away from his practice or study because he knows he should, not because he really looks forward to time with me or the kids.

We have been in and out of marriage counseling and recently ended therapy because I was feeling like what I really wanted was for my husband to be a different person with different priorities. Even when he tries hard to be a good husband and dad (which he sometimes does), I feel like he’s doing it out of obligation, not enjoyment or interest. In our last session, he admitted that he was probably never going to value his relationships as much as his hobbies.

Although I’ve worked part-time for most of our kids’ lives, I’m currently not working. I enjoy being able to devote time to family and volunteer work, and the thought of going back to work full time makes me nervous about work/life balance…especially because my fields of interest and experience are not very lucrative.

I’m struggling with whether to stay in the marriage or not. On the one hand, I so often feel disappointed by the lack of interest and intimacy in our marriage. And I worry that our lukewarm relationship is not a great role model for our kids. There’s rarely real conflict between us, but sometimes I’m sure they sense disconnection and resentment.

On the other hand, we have a good symbiotic relationship: He makes a comfortable living for us and has time left over for his hobbies. I enjoy taking care of the household and family relationships and not worrying about money.

Should I leave my husband and change the entire dynamic of my family, with no guarantee that things won’t be worse for all of us? (The thought of living, even part-time, away from our kids and pets, is horrifying to me…and I would almost certainly end up with a lot more economic insecurity.) Or do I stay in a relationship that I know will never fulfill my deepest desires?

Thank you,

Ambivalent Wife

Dear Ambivalent Wife,

I let this question sit in my inbox for weeks. It’s one thing to opine on the safe terrain of friendships. Yes, friendship problems lend themselves to permanently hurt feelings, resentment, and disappointment. (See the many variations of friendship dilemmas I answered right here.) But hard as it is to hear this truth when we’re upset about a faltering friendship—we can replace the hole left by a friendship disappointment with another friend. And we all get to have more than one close friend at a time.

Spouses are (obvious statement alert) not so simple to replace, especially spouses with whom we’re currently raising children. Which is not to say you should stay. And marriages 20 years in the running with long-held resentments are not so simple to change. Which is not to say you should leave.

Let me be clear: Other than situations of abuse in any form whatsoever, I would never outright tell someone to leave a marriage. But I’m also not going to tell someone who seems to see her husband as a roommate, at best, that staying is the only choice.

You were brave to share your situation and give voice to a reality felt by plenty of couples who’ve been together for two decades or more. (Or less!)

While I cannot give a direct answer—really, how could I?—I’d like to at least further the conversation you started and encourage other HerStories readers to add their thoughts.

I suspect many people reading your letter will come down in one of three camps.

#1. Life is short and you should leave him.

#2. You should stay, at least for now.

#3. You need more information from yourself, from your husband, and for sure a new marriage counselor.

Let’s start with the temptation to leave.

I think the fantasy of starting over with a new partner with all the self-knowledge we’ve earned in two decades of adulthood is relatable.

I personally have a recurring dream of going back to high school or college with the 41-year-old version of comfort in my skin I enjoy now. Would I have made vastly different choices as this version of myself? Would I have put up with less from other people and experienced less self-doubt at every turn? I suspect the answer to all of the above is yes, but I’m also glad I went through those growing pains. Weren’t those awkward and sometimes painful experiences all necessary to make me the person I am now? But those are just dreams. Let’s get back to reality.

You asked at the end, “Do I stay in a relationship that I know will never fulfill my deepest desires?” I wonder if defining and analyzing your “deepest desires” is a good place to start. Have you adequately reflected on how realistic those desires are? Are they reasonable enough to find? Is there already someone out there you have in mind? Whatever those desires are—sexually or otherwise—are they sustainable for, say, two decades with someone new? The answer may be—yes. I cannot say.

The rest of my answer will combine options two and three, not because I think staying is the only option, but I do think it’s one to consider.

Judging your husband based only on your letter, I’d say, yeah, he has tons of work to do. But I want to defend him on one of your biggest complaints. You said, “ . . . it often feels like he’s pulling himself away from his practice or study because he knows he should, not because he really looks forward to time with me or the kids.”

I bet my husband could say the same about me, and yet, I know I’m a very dedicated mother and wife. I am physically where I need to be for them. Most of the time, I’m emotionally there, too.

But at 10:00 at night when all the kids are finally in bed, I can’t say I’m terribly enthused when my husband wants to talk to me just as I’ve sat down to read, write, or watch a show. (In other words, I wouldn’t mind if he had three hobbies to call on in that exact moment.) I can’t say when I jot down the many dates of my kids’ games, activities, and school events, that I don’t sometimes sigh and panic about all the time parenting requires. I can’t say I don’t sometimes wonder, aloud, in front of my husband, when my life will feel like mine again. I know he wishes I had a cheerier attitude about all the transporting and face-showing that comes with parenting. I know, for a fact, that he doesn’t love it when I text him self-pitying notes letting him know I am once again cancelling an appointment or interrupting my work time to pick up a kid at school who convinced the school nurse she has a stomachache.

I could go on and on.

You said your husband is generally a good husband and dad, but it bothers you that he seems to show up out of obligation. I guess I feel like by that standard I am not a good mom and wife, and I know that is simply not true.

And now for some meatier advice, I’m sharing my mom’s email to me about your letter because my mom is smart, has been married to my dad for 52 years, and has successfully added her two cents to some of the friendship letters on this site.

Here’s Kathy, my mom, writing to me about you.

I think Ambivalent Wife’s feelings are very understandable and common for someone married around 20 years. Some people call it the second seven-year itch. Many women feel “disappointment” in their spouse at this time of life. It doesn’t seem like this is what we signed up for when we first got married. I had those exact feelings at her age, though divorce did not occur to me. I felt Dad was unavailable in a lot of ways—busy at work, traveling, playing tennis twice a week. The way I got through it was to find something for me that did not include him or the children. I was about Ambivalent Wife’s age when I took a course and started a consulting business. The business was time-consuming and removed me from my daily life into a different universe. Finding something that was just mine and completely absorbing was a good way for me to get through the rough times.

There are things we do not know about this marriage. We do not know whether there are big communication issues, whether there is still a sex life for this couple, and if they even still like each other. Assuming that he is not abusing her, does not have another woman, and does not have a severe emotional problem, there might be some good reasons to stay in this marriage, or at least consider options and issues that might occur if she were to leave.

First, if she goes, she will have to work, and it doesn’t sound like she has or had a career. Second, her children’s lives will be completely disrupted, and does she really think the grass is greener anywhere else? Third, a continuation of item two, another man her age will also be busy with work and hobbies and may have his own children.

She might consider finding wonderful new hobbies for herself, especially now that her kids are older. She should also maintain close relationships with her friends. There is no substitute for long-time women friends.

The divorced women I know left for the following reasons:
1. Another woman
2. Severe emotional problems such as untreated mood disorders.
3. Terrible communication problems. For example, one woman told me if she and her husband disagreed about something, he would not speak to her for a week or more. I asked her, “Not even pass the salt or pass the pepper?” She said not even that. She found that intolerable.
4. Another friend said her husband worked long hours. When he came home, all he did was criticize everything she did from the smallest housekeeping issue to other things. No detail was too small for him to criticize, and she felt demoralized all the time.
I don’t think any one person can advise another to get a divorce. I hope that Ambivalent Wife explores some other options for herself before deciding to leave her husband. Lots of couples have different hobbies. That can make a marriage more interesting. In my opinion she needs to find an activity that consumes her before deciding her next step.

Love, Mom

Okay, I’m back. And I will only add that as someone married for over 17 years who is surrounded by friends married for around that same length of time, I promise you are not alone, which does not make your next step any easier.

But I do feel comfortable saying that the status quo is not an option.

Maybe, once you find a new marriage counselor, you can bring your letter to me with you and read it aloud. That might be a good place to begin (again) to work towards a happier marriage, if that is possible with him.

Wishing you peace whatever you decide to next,

Nina

Nina Badzin is a freelance writer and a writing workshop instructor at ModernWell in Minneapolis as well as ModernWell’s book club host. She has been the advice columnist for the HerStories Project for three years. Learn more about Nina at her website.

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A Friend Who Only Communicates Via Text

How do you handle friends who only text?

This month’s column may resonate with many, whether you have been offended by a texting-only friend, or you prefer texting to calling or connecting in person. Readers, we would love to hear your perspective in the comments below!

Do you have a question for Nina? Use our anonymous form. You can read Nina’s answers to past questions here.

Dear Nina,

My friend, Sloane, just texts—no calls, no visits. Only texts. And even though we have ongoing texts every 2-3 days, she’s not up for talking on the phone. I’m starting to feel what a numbing situation that is. To me it’s very impersonal to communicate solely through a screen. I’ve asked to call on the phone, but I can tell she’s not crazy about the idea, and when we do talk, I end up leading the conversation because otherwise there’d be silence.

Here’s a bit more about our situation. Sloane and I live two hours apart. I’m in chronic pain, and I’m dealing with very intense things, but Sloane sometimes uses the excuse she’s “busy” as if her life has so much more going on. I mean, we ALL have our stuff right? I have been up to see her 2-3 times in the past four years we’ve known each other. (I’ve been quite ill as well.) But she’s never made any effort to come see me, and she even got offended when I asked her a couple years ago if she would consider a visit.

So I have a friend who makes no effort to visit, no effort to call, and wants a virtual screen-to-screen relationship, yet wants to call it a friendship? To me acquaintances text, but friends text/call/visit. I’ve thought about reframing the friendship as perhaps (oddly enough and heaven forbid) it’s too much to expect/want a call every now and then or once a week, just to have actual voice-to-voice connection. Oh and when I have said, “Do you fancy a quick call?” she mysteriously never sees the text and quite frankly I don’t believe her because she’s always active on messenger and she’s one of those people that updates her Facebook page with every thought, picture, and bowel movement.

When I have expressed my frustration at limiting our friendship to texts, she did say she’s not comfortable on the phone. She also threw out very trivial things at me, which was her basically clutching at straws in order to defend herself. But I did say to her maybe I need to see the friendship differently (as in reframe it and/or see what I’m expecting) and now she’s had a hissy fit and says she doesn’t need this and her other friends are fine with just texting. But hey guess what, I’m not (anymore). So maybe my expectations have changed?

Can you help?

Kind Regards,

Texting Isn’t Enough

Dear Texting Isn’t Enough,

You have the right to change your expectations in any relationship and Sloane, in this case, has the right not to meet those expectations. This means the ball is now in your court to decide if going back to the previous expectations sits well with you. From your letter it’s clear to me that you’re not happy with those terms of “texting only” and no visits.

I have to say that from where I sit, this friendship is not a solid one. I can’t imagine that Sloane sees it as a crucial one in her life. A real friend shows up when her friend is sick, if not with a visit, then at least with a call. In fairness to Sloane, she has been completely honest with you that she is not up for that type of friendship. She has not tried to convince you otherwise. The fact that you continue to demand something of her that she cannot or will not give is on you at this point.

To say it more directly: Sloane is not really your friend.

My advice is to fade out of the relationship, which means no big confrontation is necessary. You can stop putting any energy into texting Sloane and she will quickly get the idea and maybe even feel a bit relieved. Then you can put your energy into people who are looking for the same kind of off-screen friendship that you understandably want and deserve. It’s not easy to get out of any cycle, even dysfunctional ones, but it’s time.

Not surprisingly my mom, Kathy, has similar advice but here she is in her own words: “This may be a generational thing, but I don’t text unless it is about making an arrangement, changing a previously agreed upon time for getting together, or saying I am stuck in traffic. Having said that, what is more disturbing to me is that Sloane has made no attempt to visit her sick friend, since she is “uncomfortable” on the phone. It sounds to me like Sloane is not interested in the friendship. I would suggest that the letter writer put her energy into someone who is more interested in a reciprocal relationship. It is clear that if Sloane is having problems of her own, she is not interested in sharing her issues. If it were me, I would let this relationship go.”

I’m so sorry you’re going through a tough time with your health. You definitely need understanding and giving friends right now.

Best of luck,

Nina

You can follow Nina on her blog, on Facebook, and on Twitter.

We’re always looking for new reader questions for Nina! If you have a difficult friendship situation that you’d like advice on, fill out our anonymous contact form.

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A Botched Weekend Away With Friends

A woman who feels her boyfriend’s close friends ruined her birthday getaway plans wants to know how to avoid a similar situation in the future. Readers, what advice can you add to what Nina suggests below?

Do you have a question for Nina? Use our anonymous form. You can read Nina’s answers to past questions here.

Dear Nina,

I am about to turn 30 so I wanted to use my birthday as an excuse to go away for a long weekend with my boyfriend and some friends. I had originally planned on inviting two of my closest friends and their boyfriends, but that weekend had some important life events for both of my friends and they could not come. I decided that it would be nice to invite my boyfriend’s closest couple friends, “Brad” and “Jill,” to come along since I knew that they like the location and we all are friends and get along great.

However, a week or so after Brad and Jill said yes, they informed us that they were heading out of town 2-3 days ahead of us and that they would book their own Airbnb separate from the one they knew I’d booked for us all. Their anniversary is a few days prior so I tried to be understanding, but I still felt like my birthday trip had been hijacked and made into their anniversary trip.

I gently explained that we could not afford to stay at the large Airbnb we booked without sharing the cost as we had originally planned. After a discussion, Jill offered for us to stay at whatever place they ended up booking for the nights we’d be there. This really irked me as this was a trip that I planned for my birthday and invited them along and now we would basically be showing up at their accommodations and crashing “their” trip. Not to mention, we would get a pull-out couch or whatever extra room there was rather than getting the nicer accommodations for my birthday.

I found a way to mention to Jill that cancelling my reservation to stay with them instead would mean my boyfriend and I paying cancellations fees. Jill finally agreed that they would stay with us once we arrived and that they would simply book another place for the earlier two nights. Now every time I see her, she’s showing me the place they’re staying and telling me their plans (some of it is stuff that I had planned for the group to do together, which she knew about). The lack of regard for others is a pattern with them and it always makes me feel terrible. If these were my friends, I would distance myself from them, but they are my boyfriend’s long-time close friends and I have no options at this point. He gets defensive when I talk to him about it, even though he completely agrees with me about their behavior. We have other circumstances in place that make Brad and Jill a part of our lives so there’s only so much distancing that could even potentially be done. I can’t escape the toxic relationship and I can’t help but feel extremely hurt that my birthday trip has been completely hijacked.

How do I approach this with them or with my boyfriend in a way that would be productive and/or how can I find a way to not feel hurt and pushed aside when they do things like this? I don’t want to come off as jealous or irrational when their pattern of behavior is so hurtful to me.

Thank you,

Tired of being hurt

Dear Tired of Being Hurt,

I usually avoid blaming the letter-writer in my answers, but a major element of your letter puts you at the center of the problem here. The good news is that it’s an easy problem to avoid in the future!

At the beginning of your letter you said, “I decided that it would be nice to invite my boyfriend’s closest friends, “Brad” and “Jill,” a couple, to come along since I knew that they like the location and we all are friends and get along great.” But then at the end you said, “The lack of regard for others is a pattern with them and it always makes me feel terrible.”

I am (understandably) confused about your decision to invite Brad and Jill in the first place. Did you book the big Airbnb before checking with your friends and then needed another couple to fill it? I guess the answer to that doesn’t matter as much as the answer to why you invited people who make you feel terrible. As I pointed out, you said at first that you get along well with them, but then later you were not surprised at their inconsiderate behavior. In this case it feels like you voluntarily invited disaster into your plans.

Backing up for a moment, I am still curious if you had already booked the big Airbnb and needed another couple to cover expenses. If that was the case, then the obvious way to avoid the same problem in the future is to only book space for you and your boyfriend and hope to upgrade later if more people can join you. It’s usually easier to upgrade than downgrade. You also could have planned the trip around your own friends’ schedules if a group trip was an important part of the celebration. I know it’s nice to celebrate your birthday on the actual day or close to it, but I think it’s better to celebrate with people who make you feel good even if that means you’re a few weeks or months beyond the date. To that point, my husband recently threw me a surprise party for my 40th birthday five months after the day I turned 40 because of unusual circumstances in our schedule this year. I didn’t enjoy the party any less! In fact, it felt like I got an extra birthday since I’m not accustomed to that kind of attention in the spring. I say we get the whole year to celebrate turning a new special number.

But let’s get back to your birthday. Even after the invitation had already been issued to Brad and Jill, you had other options once the plans went awry. I realize nobody wants to pay cancellation fees, but perhaps the fee would have been better and emotionally less “expensive” than the headache of dealing with Brad and Jill. My best friend, Taryn, agreed and because I always want Taryn’s advice, I’m passing on what she had to say about your situation. “She asked people who are never all that nice to her to join in on a birthday trip? She should have cancelled the bigger space and paid the cancellation fees once any trouble starting brewing and considered it a lesson learned not to have invited them in the first place.”

Hard to disagree with that.

My other go-to is my mom, Kathy, who also addresses your questions at the end of your letter about the relationship beyond the trip issue. “In my opinion this falls under the category of needing to learn to pick your battles. In the grand scheme of things, this one weekend is simply not that important. The bigger issue is whether she wants to continue the friendship. I suspect this may not be the first incident that irritated her. In any relationship—friendship or marriage—there is some stuff we all put up with. No one is perfect. I don’t think anything would be gained by discussing this issue with Jill. The letter-writer might just back away and let the guys be friends if this is a pattern and she makes the decision not to continue the relationship.”

I agree with my mom on that. I know you feel it’s impossible to end this friendship and I get that. But you can certainly encourage your boyfriend to hang out with them on occasions when you are busy or “busy” as the case may be. You can also make it a point to only be there for the plans when it’s an even larger group so that it’s easier to keep things light without having to engage in too much one-on-one time. Since Jill is not your close friend, I agree with my mom that nothing is gained by confronting her about this weekend or even about the relationship in general. And as Taryn said, you’ve now learned your lesson on inviting them on a trip or anyone who doesn’t treat you well.

In other words, you do have options!

Good luck and happy late birthday,

Nina

You can follow Nina on her blog, on Facebook, and on Twitter.

We’re always looking for new reader questions for Nina! If you have a difficult friendship situation that you’d like advice on, fill out our anonymous contact form.

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Trying (Too Hard) To Reach BFF Status

This month our friendship advice columnist advises a letter writer who is hoping to transform a friend into a BFF. What would you say to a friend who wants to be best friends with someone who is not putting in equal time and effort?

Dear Nina,

I have this friend, ‘Kate,” who I met through a mutual friend, “Jane.” Kate and I hit it off, became close friends, and there was a point when we liked each other more than we liked Jane.

Everything seemed perfect in our friendship until Kate got a new group of friends. At first, she had time for me, for Jane, and for her new group. But recently Kate and Jane and I have had some problems. Kate avoids us for a few days, and then comes back when one of us (not her) has apologized.

Now, I’m the kind of person who wants to belong to any group or relationship I’m in. And with Kate, that isn’t happening. I always have to initiate the conversation, keep it going, and be the one to say goodbye. Isn’t friendship supposed to be two people putting in equal effort? And I’m not included in the pictures she titles “My BFFs.”

Yet, no matter how much pain Kate puts me through, I always end up sucking up to her again. I know that this is wrong, but I really want to be her best friend. Should I try to make her my best friend? If so, how? Or should I accept things the way they are and be just friends?

Thank you for your time,

Trying to Reach BFF Status

Dear Trying to Reach BFF Status,

While reading your letter, I noticed a big friendship red flag that deserves some discussion before I answer your questions.

The reg flag: the foundation of a friendship matters.

I question the strength of your initial friendship with Kate since it began through mutual feelings about Jane. I assume the only reason you know Kate liked you more than she liked Jane is because Jane became a subject discussed between you and Kate. I say this with no judgement as it’s tempting for women to bond this way. I’ve been in this position, too. Who hasn’t? The bond feels real at first, but a relationship that builds as a reaction to a common irritation with a third person stands on shaky ground.

Now onto your more specific questions. First, you asked:

Isn’t a friendship supposed to be two people putting in equal effort?

Yes, for the most part, but things don’t always work out that neatly. There are times when one friend has to carry the weight and do so gracefully without taking it personally if that friendship is going to survive. That’s true when one member of a friendship is dealing with an illness, a divorce, a new job, a financial crisis, or really any good reason. There are plenty of decent explantations for one person in the friendship to initiate more of the communication for a while. It’s nice when your extra efforts to carry the weight are acknowledged, but if a friend is in crisis mode, then expecting that friend to shower you with accolades for being the friendship leader is probably expecting way too much.

And by “you” I don’t mean YOU, letter writer, because your situation with Kate has nothing to do with the crisis scenario above. It sounds like Kate is not as interested in the friendship as you are and that is why she doesn’t initiate contact. I think you are reading the situation correctly that her lack of effort is meant to send a message. While the “my BFFs” tagging on Instagram, Snapchat, or any social media channel is not something of my generation, I know enough about human nature to see this as a deliberate (and cruel) message from Kate as well.

I often advise letter writers to this column not to read every gesture or lack thereof as a point to be taken personally, but in the case of you and Kate, I would start hearing her silent message loud and clear. Kate does not want to be close friends. Friendly, perhaps. Best friends, no.

And now I’d like to address the last three questions in your letter, which I suspect you already know the answer to on your own.

Should I try to make her my BFF?

Absolutely not. A “best friendship” happens naturally. It’s a label that comes later, in hindsight, and I truly believe it cannot be sought after at any point along the way. Any relationship that it is manufactured and/or makes you feel “less than” about yourself is by definition not “best” or even “good.”

Or should I accept things the way they are and be just friends?

Yes! You gave yourself the best advice already.

Now I have a series of questions for you: Why is Kate’s attention so important? What would her approval change about your life? Could you achieve these sought after changes another way? The desire to improve certain aspects of your life is normal, but attaching that end result to the opinions and unpredictable behavior of another person (friend or love interest) is a bad idea. You cannot control anyone else’s opinion. I don’t know enough about your life or the gap you’re hoping to fill with Kate’s BFF status, but I challenge you think hard about a better way to address what’s missing. At the very least putting less effort into your relationship with Kate will give you time to nurture friendships with people who are interested in reciprocating.

Best of luck, Trying to Reach BFF Status! I’m cheering you on from afar.

Nina

You can follow Nina on her blog, on Facebook, and on Twitter.

We’re always looking for new reader questions for Nina! If you have a difficult friendship situation that you’d like advice on, fill out our anonymous contact form.

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HerTake: Friends Who Cancel Too Often

UPDATE (2019): FIND NINA AND HER COLUMN AT HER NEW FRIENDSHIP ADVICE SITE

In this month’s HerTake question, Nina answers a letter from a woman who says her inconsiderate friends often cancel plans or change the plans last minute. Is this an expected part of being an understanding friend or does this letter writer have especially inconsiderate friends in her life? Help our letter writer decide what to do!

Do you have a question for Nina? Use our anonymous form. You can read Nina’s answers to past questions here.

Dear Nina,

I’ve come across a problem recently in my social life that I’m stumped as how to solve. There have been a number of times when friends have either canceled plans that we’ve made or declared that they could actually only hang out for much shorter than originally planned because other plans came up. The problem I have is that I don’t know how to nicely explain to them that this is rude and makes me feel bad. Every time I have tried to go about this, I feel like I am coming off as the rude one for being upset, even though they’re the ones skipping out on our plans.

What is your advice?

Thanks!

Tired of the Cancellations

Dear Tired of the Cancellations,

I don’t blame you for being irritated! Now, whether you should take it personally is another issue, and what to do about it is a separate answer, too. I will get to it all.

Are these inconsiderate friends in other areas of their lives? Do they frequently cancel on others? Are they chronically late? (I mean more than a few minutes.) I’m asking because if they are unreliable in general, then it’s not something you should take personally. Not taking it personally, however, doesn’t mean you want to count on them as your closest friends. Because, yes, their unreliability sounds excessive and canceling because something better came along is as rude as it gets.

How Much Canceling Can You Tolerate?

Each person has to decide how much canceling of plans she can tolerate in a friendship, and there’s no right answer. I can tolerate more than average because I have to cancel sometimes. I have four kids, and if I make a lunch date or any kind of meeting with a person during the school day, I will have to cancel if one of my kids has to stay home from school.

In the past two weeks, for example, my kids took turns passing around a five-day virus. I had to cancel on the same friend twice. Each time I rescheduled on the spot to signal how much I want to see her. She knew not to take it personally, and I was grateful for her flexibility. Similarly, I have a handful of friends with whom I make dinner plans so far in advance that we have a mutual understanding making it easy and unemotional if one of us has to cancel because family came in town or a birthday or bar mitzvah invitation arrived that would be strange to skip for a dinner out with friends we can see another time. But if we cancelled on each other for “better” plans? No, that wouldn’t be cool.

Balance Between Flexibility and Reliability

Even with all that in mind about times I may have to cancel or my close friends have to cancel, we all try very hard to keep our plans because as you’ve experienced, too much canceling sends the message that you don’t want to spend time with the person on the other end of that conversation. There’s a balance friends have to strike between flexibility (understanding that life serves up unexpected illnesses and other problems) and reliability (knowing you can count on your friends the majority of the time). I think a solid friendship exists in that sweet spot in the middle.

It sounds like your friends are asking for too much flexibility. That doesn’t mean a big confrontation is required or that the friendships need to end completely, but if you’re unable to communicate your legitimate frustration without them turning it around on you, then it may be time for a demotion for these ladies. Don’t make plans with them for a while and focus more on current acquaintances who could become better friends after spending more time together. Yes, you can talk to your chronically canceling friends about how their behavior makes you feel, but you cannot force them to change.

Last point: a friend of mine who said this keeps happening to her teenage daughter encouraged her daughter to use the experience to shape the type of friend she wants to be to others. That’s great advice! I hope that helps, and perhaps other readers will have different ideas.

Nina

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Working With The Friend Who Dumped You

Have you ever been dumped by a friend? In this month’s HerTake question, Nina answers a letter from a woman who was dropped by a very close friend who also happens to be the letter-writer’s boss.

Do you have a question for Nina? Use our anonymous form. You can read Nina’s answers to past questions here.

Dear Nina,

I considered “Liz” one of my closest friends. Last year, we spent almost every weekend together. We even took a vacation together the year before that. I know her family well and have been to her house various times. Recently, however, she has been avoiding me.

Initially, she started distancing herself by saying, “I’m busy.” Then the meetings reduced to once a month and eventually once every few months. Now, we hardly get together at all.

I still put in the same effort to ask if she is free and can meet. I see her enjoying and partying with other friends—some common to both of us. But even on those occasions, I haven’t been invited. I tried speaking to her as well via text messages asking if all is okay. She always answers with some form of “I’ve just been busy lately.”

One important point to note is that we are colleagues and she’s now my boss at work. We have always kept work relations separate and never let it come in between us so I can’t figure out what changed for her regarding our friendship. I’ve tried getting common friends to talk, but that’s weird as she is usually a closed up person emotionally. Was I just another friend to her until she could pick up another on the way?

It hurts to think about the way we are practically strangers now. Although I ask about her weekend plans and she replies with what she’s doing, she never asks mine. Despite saying that we should catch up and it’s been long, the reply is usually “yes, soon.” But the “soon” never comes.

How do you let go of someone who is so close to your heart and who you cannot avoid? Help.

Signed,
Working With The Friend Who Dumped Me

Dear Working With The Friend Who Dumped Me,

There are two things I know for sure from this letter.

#1. Liz does not want to be close. (I know you already figured this out from the details you provided.)
#2. You need to stop trying to return the relationship to the way things were before.

You May Never Know Why You’ve Been Dumped by a Friend

The one thing I do not know is WHY Liz decided to change the status of this friendship. But it doesn’t matter anyway as your quest to discover the answer will likely never yield the truth. I’m guessing if you were to confront Liz, she would give you a version of “it’s not you, it’s me.” If nothing obvious in your own behavior pattern comes to mind like flirting with her significant other or revealing private information she shared with you, then I would urge you to chalk up her change of interest to the chemistry between you two no longer working.

Listen, I’m not saying the mystery of it all is an easy pill to swallow. Every person who writes into this column who has been dumped by a friend wants to know what went wrong. It’s perfectly natural to want answers. But just because one person decided to end a friendship it does not mean the other person did something wrong or is an unworthy friend. Liz’s decision, while hurtful, probably makes sense to her for reasons you will never know or understand even if you did know.

Reframe the Relationship

The fact that you and Liz work together and that she’s your boss complicates matters. I suggest for both practical and emotional reasons you force yourself to reframe the relationship in your mind from “close friend” or even “friend” to “friendly colleague.” You cannot, as a colleague, sulk around the office and act hurt. You can, however, act in a friendly and dignified manner like you would with a colleague who has never been to your house or shared vacation time with you. This may require some acting on your part at first, but I believe eventually your bruised heart will heal in the process. I mean this sincerely. I know it hurts when someone unilaterally decides to end a friendship.

I’d like to give you one last piece of advice on what I mean by “dignified.” At this point, stop asking Liz to get together; stop texting to check in; and definitely stop asking about her weekend plans. I personally do not like when people ask me what I’m doing over the weekend. It’s seems like an invasion of privacy to ask for my precise plans. Asking Liz week after week what’s on her social calendar then feeling upset that her plans do not include you and that she doesn’t ask the same question back sounds to me like you’re inviting hurt feelings.

The fact that Liz does not ask you back leads me to believe she would rather you not pose the question in the first place. At the end of a work week, you can simply say, “Have a great weekend.” I’m willing to bet she will wish the same to you, which will make the conversation more equal.

Speaking of equality, Liz may be your boss, but in the friendship department, we are going for equal footing here in the “friendly colleagues” goal. I know it’s not what you wanted initially from this relationship, but it seems all that Liz is willing to give. And forcing yourself to stop pursuing Liz as a close friend will free you to put time and effort into others in your life (or people you’ve yet to meet) who are open to everything you have to offer.

Best of luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this painful loss.

Nina

You can follow Nina on her blog, on Facebook, and on Twitter.

We’re always looking for new reader questions for Nina! If you have a difficult friendship situation that you’d like advice on, fill out our anonymous contact form.

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