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What’s in a Name? A Request for Your Thoughts on Our Book Title

As we’ve said before, we continue to be amazed by the response to our call for submissions for our next book, “My Other Ex.” We are reading through each one carefully, as well as the responses that we’ve received so far to our Friendship Breakup survey.

We want our book to be unique. Not just an anthology, it will include women’s stories from our surveys, interviews, and responses from our blog readers. We want to present women’s own experiences with friendship loss in their own words, but we also want to dig a little deeper and try to understand why this experience impacts women so significantly through every stage of life. What is it about women’s relationships that cause such intense emotions? Why do women’s friendships end so differently than men’s?

Here’s where we’d love your help. When we were planning our first book, “The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendship,” we didn’t seek much outside input about the title, and we regret that a little. Right now we’re pleased with our book title, “My Other Ex.” But we’re not sure about our subtitle: “My Other Ex: Women’s Stories of Friendship Burnouts, Betrayals, and Breakups.” We’ve also been considering “My Other Ex: Women on Leaving and Losing Friendships.”

An intriguing and attention-grabbing title is so important for a book; it can make the difference between good sales and bad sales or between capturing the attention of an agent/editor rather than being relegated to the eternal “slush pile.”

Do you have any suggestions for us? Which title do you like better? We would absolutely welcome your own ideas!!!

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Hands-Free Friendship

In the HerStories community, one of the most popular topics of conversation has been online vs real life friendships. Both of us, and many of our contributors, have written about the value of online friendships, how they differ from “real life” ones, and discussed the importance of face-to-face quality time vs. the convenience of connecting via technology.
- We shared our slightly tongue-in-cheek tips for how to make online friendships with other moms at Scary Mommy.
- Our contributor Kate Hall shared why she considers her online friendships to be real.
- Contributor Vicky Willenberg reminded us how important the real-life interactions are, and why we should stop texting and really connect with our friends.
- I argued that online friendships are just as deep and important at Irene Levine’s friendship blog.
- And contributor Jennifer Swartvagher shared her story of how her online friendships became real life ones.
Jessica and I both recently read Rachel Macy Stafford’s new book Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters!, and it inspired us to consider how we might become more hands-free, not just with our families, but with our friendships.

As much as I adore the convenient and effective pick-me-ups of a quick text to connect with a busy fellow mom friend, or a snarky Facebook message exchange with my blog pal, I must admit there is something unique and inimitable about quality time spent face-to-face with close friends. I recently enjoyed a rare impromptu afternoon getaway with two close girlfriends to the Hot Springs. We spent several hours together in the geothermal caves, soaking in the incredible, restorative hot pools. Even the drive up and back was exhilarating; we passed dark chocolate pomegranate bites back and forth and gabbed about parenting, marriage, and our careers. When I returned home to my husband and two daughters, I felt renewed.

This type of spontaneous getaway (really, how often can moms be spontaneous?) is definitely hard to come by, but when the chance for a girlfriend escape arises, one should seize it! These same two ladies and I celebrated a milestone birthday in a mountain condo last winter—for two days, it was just the three of us talking, eating, and drinking. We really did very little- we stayed up late talking after a fantastic dinner out the first night, and the next day we didn’t get dressed or leave the condo until 5:00 pm. For three moms of young children, it was heavenly.

During these early childhood parenting years, getaways are few and far between- even a regular Happy Hour may not seem feasible. Whenever possible, try to establish some rituals that are meaningful to you and your friend(s).

• Retreating somewhere beautiful—like the mountains or Hot Springs—to enjoy some solitude and outdoor time together can be rejuvenating. One of my best friends and I have a special lake that we like to walk together as often as we can.

• Exercise together. It’s so much more motivating to hit the gym or snag a lunchtime yoga class if you get to combine friend-bonding time with your fitness goals.

• Indulge in a favorite treat. My girlfriend and I celebrate fall together with the first caramel apple cider of the year at Starbucks. We have done it annually for over a decade. Another mom and I look forward to our favorite food and wine pairings at a local bistro—without our toddlers.

• Carve out a regular, purposeful meeting time Five years ago I formed a support group of sorts with other new moms. We are still meeting monthly to ask questions, brainstorm, vent, and sometimes just laugh about our lives. Our monthly “meeting” is important to all of us, and we make it a priority.

• Take what you can get. In our busy lives juggling work and family, time spend with friends can seem scarce or even impossible. A dinner together, weekend away, or even hour-long coffee with your best friend may not be manageable. So take less-than-ideal circumstances and make it work. My friend and I combine family time with friend time by having regular evening dinner-playdates—affectionately known as “Crappy Hour”—in which we take turns cooking dinner and surviving the Witching Hour with our toddlers. The kids play, the moms drink some wine, our husbands relax with a beer, and it seems to make chaotic family dinners more tolerable. And even though we don’t get to enjoy our standard soul-baring conversation with our families around, it’s better than nothing.

Sometimes all it takes to feel connected is a quick text, phone call, or Facebook message. But every so often, see if you can find time–whether it’s a half-hour coffee, a night out, or an entire weekend– to recharge your friendship batteries with a kindred spirit, with your heart open and your hands free.

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Online Friends

We are happy to share a guest post today from one of our contributors, Jennifer Swartzvagher, who blogs at Beyond the Crib. Have your online friendships ever become real life friendships?

Before the dawn of Facebook, Twitter, and texting, I longed for adult conversation during the afternoon. After wrangling a toddler and infant all morning, naptime became “me time.” Alone in the house, I looked to the computer to keep me company.

Luckily enough, there were countless other moms just like me wandering around cyberspace. We were bleary eyed after countless episodes of “The Big Comfy Couch” and “Blues Clues.”

We connected on bulletin boards tied together by a common thread. After typing in my interests, a bunch of matches were thrust at me. The options were endless. All I needed to do was find a board of like minded women and jump in. I could share as much or as little as I wanted. A lot of times, I started out slowly lurking and getting a feel for the atmosphere. Baring your soul to complete strangers can be intimidating.

Some people we meet online fabricate stories and are looking for someone to prey on. Both in life and online, we have to be careful with whom we interact. I learned the hard way how to figure out who the trolls were.

As the months went by, I found a safe place to ask questions, vent, and form friendships. Granted, I didn’t know these women “in real life,” but that didn’t make our relationships any less valid. Looking back, now that face to face interaction seems to be few and far between, these online relationships parallel the ones I maintain through Facebook.

Still, I yearned for face to face interactions. We all need friends in real life, even if our online relationships are filling that need. I had come to find that chatting online could not replace time spent with friends. Mommies need playdates too.

Online friends can’t fill all the needs that real life friends can. Online friends can’t bring you a meal during a time of need, carpool to dance class, or spend the day with you at a moments notice. I would have looked pretty silly dragging my desktop to the mall for a day of girl talk and shopping.

I searched the internet and started to hook up with a few local mommy groups. Some groups which required more face to face over virtual didn’t work into my busy life as I juggled 4, 5, or 6 kids. Finally, I found a local mommy bulletin board. We may live 45 minutes or even an hour away from each other, but we were local enough to share a common bond. The relationships could stay strictly online or develop in the real world.

A little guarded at first, I dipped my toes in gradually. While being local was a plus, I wanted to make sure that I protected my privacy and my emotions to ensure I wouldn’t get hurt.

It didn’t take long for me to jump in, feet first. Girls Night Out and breakfast dates followed. With our busy schedules, most of us rarely get to see each other, yet when we get together, we a chat as if we just saw each other yesterday. It is like no time has gone by.

Our local board doesn’t exist anymore, mostly due to the dawn of social media. We picked up and relocated to Facebook. Come to think of it, my original national mommy board is there too. Thanks to social media, we are all connected to each other on so many levels.

Over the years, these women have become my family. It just goes to prove that real life happens online too.

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The Case for Mixing Business and Friendship

I’m happy to introduce a guest post by one of my oldest and dearest college friends, Elura, who was also a contributor for The HerStories Project book published in December. From the day that I met her freshman year I’ve continued to be impressed by Elura’s “take charge” attitude, loyalty, and sense of humor. She is one funny woman. She’s a true friend — someone that you know will always have your back. And, of course, she’s my only friend that has her own reality show on OWN, Oprah’s network, and the only one that I’m likely to see arguing with other guests on cable television when I’m at the gym. Here’s Elura’s take on a subject dear to both Stephanie’s and my hearts: friends as business partners. -Jessica

People love to give unsolicited advice, particularly when the subject of that advice is something about which they know almost nothing. I’ve had literally hundreds of people tell me that they’d “never go into business with a friend” — when the truth is that most of those folks would never go into business, period. But there seems to be an almost unspoken wisdom about the idea that one should never mix girlfriendship with one’s career. I’m here to tell you that that “wisdom” is not only a load of crap, but is also evidence of the remaining gender gap in the workplace.

First, I’d like to explore the utter lack of truth of the assumption that friendship is some kind of handicap for entrepreneurship. Starting a business — whether that business is a law firm, a medical practice, a bookstore, a cupcake truck or a lemonade stand — is an exciting, frightening, risky, and potentially rewarding undertaking. It will be draining, emotional, and confusing at times. Hopefully, it will also be a rewarding source of emotional and financial pride. So why on earth would we avoid sharing those things with someone who has already been vetted for compatibility and loyalty? Yes, I’ve heard the logic that when the business fails, it’ll affect the friendship. Or that when the friendship fails, it’ll affect the business.

But are we really going through life with this kind of uberdefeatist attitude? What about The Secret and the law of attraction and all that Oprahworthy mindset stuff? Let me tell it to you straight: if you are starting a business already planning for its failure, then your business is going to fail, and it’s not because you picked the wrong partner. The same goes for a friendship. I certainly don’t suggest that you pick a friend at random with whom to begin a venture. But if you have a friend with whom you work well, share values, and enjoy creating plans, don’t reject the one person who might make a fabulous co-CEO, just because you heard an idiom that seemed to prohibit working with a friend.

And while we’re on the subject, let’s take a minute to recognize that no one would ever tell a man not to go into business with a “contact” he has because the two of them like to go fishing together. When talking about business, men tend to call their friends “associates” or “contacts” — but let’s not allow their imprecise use of language obscure the truth. When men spend enjoyable time together talking, drinking, hunting, golfing, etc. — they are “friends.” When those same men collaborate in a business venture, they have, in fact, “gone into business with a friend.”

So I invite all of you to join me in taking pride in trusting my own friendships enough to share a bank account with the same person with whom I can share shoes. After all, isn’t the ultimate success that which you share with someone you love?

Elura Nanos, Esq, has owned a business with her best friend, Michele Sileo, Esq., for over a decade. Together, the two have founded an award-winning business, co-authored three books, and landed their own reality series Staten Island Law. Elura and Michele regularly give keynote speeches and do television appearances together.

Follow them both on Twitter: @elurananos @michelesileo1

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Why It’s So Hard to Write About Friendship Breakups

After we announced our call for submissions for our next book, My Other Ex, we started hearing feedback almost instantly. Women wrote us, “I have a breakup story I’d love to tell, but I’m not sure I’m brave enough,” or “I haven’t thought about this woman in years, and I can’t believe how many emotions are coming up.” Some of our past contributors have told us that they’ve begun writing a breakup essay, and it’s just so much harder than they expected. Here’s what we’ve heard from some of these writers:
- Attempting to write a break up story feels sort of ugly and dirty. It’s like sorting through a mess that you aren’t sure who really made or how it got to that point where neither one really feels like cleaning it up, or it is too overwhelming to do so.
- Writing about my big friend break up has been only slightly easier than having root canal without drugs. But just like it is with a root canal, dealing with the issue is the only way to heal.
- I was more certain than I have ever been that the friendship was well and truly over.
- Writing this and attempting to capture and express the initial affection and then the pain and anger has made me feel like I’ve been dumped by my best friend all over again.
- Just the thought of her reading about it and knowing she affected me makes me want to punch her.
Honestly, we’ve been experiencing the same thing writing our own essays; in fact, I (Stephanie) have written three different versions about three different friendships in the process of finding the right story to tell. I’ve emailed old friends, asking if they can remember specific details that happened nearly 20 years ago. I’ve cringed as old memories have drifted to the surface, and the accompanying emotions that I thought I’d buried long ago. One weekend, I firmly believe I made myself physically ill as I spent hours absorbed in my laptop and the caverns of my adolescent brain, astonished to realize how many long-forgotten moments made their way back into my memory.

To say the least, it is draining, uncomfortable, and yet somehow exhilarating to tell our old stories about friendship breakups. Why is it so painful?

Is it because of those painful emotional flashbacks? Is it because we feel a sense of shame because female friendships are supposed to last? Is it because there are no emotional “scripts” for how to cope with friendship loss, unlike the loss of a romantic partner?

For every woman there may be a different reason for why it’s so hard to talk about or write about the end of a friendship, or maybe a combination of many different ones.

Is it worth it to dredge up these feelings? Again, we turn to our contributors’ thoughts:
- It allowed me to say what I have not been able to say to an important person in my life who has not only done me wrong, but herself wrong. It has given me a voice that I could not find for over a year. I hope something positive comes from it as I see this as the first step in a longer journey about a breaking up and trying to re-engage.
- I thought that writing about it would make it easier, clearer somehow. That it would push away the fog of uncertainty and the dull ache that had been hovering just below the surface for more then four years. But it didn’t, really. For me, writing about it was messy and confusing and it asked more questions then it answered. It made me mad and sad all over again, but, strangely, when I was finished, I was more certain than I have ever been that the friendship was well and truly over. I realized that I had been holding on to the mistaken belief that we would someday come back to each other and heal whatever it was that went wrong, but the writing made me understand that that was never going to happen. And for that, if nothing else, I felt relief.
Both of us — Stephanie and Jessica — felt that sense of relief after writing our own stories.

We hope that this collection will allow women to realize that they are not alone in their feelings of confusion, heartbreak, guilt, and sadness. Most of all, through sharing our stories, we want to acknowledge the complexity of friendship.

We would love to hear your story. If telling the story is much more difficult than you expected, know that you are not alone. We encourage you to keep trying to write your story. We want this collection to help women realize that they are not alone in their intense and sometimes confusing feelings. It’s not a topic that is frequently talked about, and we’d like to change that.

Please submit your story here: https://herstoriesproject.submittable.com/submit

We’ll be accepting submissions through early March. We’d also be grateful if you took our short, anonymous survey to help us understand more women’s experiences.

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A Guest Post and a Free E-Book in Celebration of Friendship

Stephanie and I have two things to share today that we’re excited about…

First, in honor of both Valentine’s Day and International Book Giving Day, we’re offering our HerStories Project book for free as an e-book on Amazon for one day, today, Wednesday, February 10. Why not get a free e-book for yourself and buy one for your best friend, your sister, your mom, as a Valentine’s Day surprise?

We’re also proud to share a lovely story that our contributor Rose Townsend of the blog Naturally Educated shared with us about how her participation in the HerStories Project and our community of friends and writers led to an important realization about family and friendship:

Sometimes I worry about my daughter. At four, she is already rocking life. She is creative, funny, determined and has more confidence than I can sometimes muster as an adult. But there is one thing she doesn’t have. It is something I have always had. It is something I could not live without. My girls.

My twin cousins, my first two friends, were born six months before I arrived in this world. One year later, my sister was born, followed by more cousins and eight years later, another sister. I was set. All of these lovely ladies lived either in my house or less than a few blocks away. They were my greatest supporters, my confidants, my shoulders to cry on, my laugh until it hurts kind of friends for as long as I can remember. They still are. I even followed my twin cousins to college. And one sister followed soon after.

With two brothers and no female cousins nearby, I wonder what my daughter is going to do without these girls. I wonder, who will stay up all night with her at her first sleepover? Who will be her fellow performers in elaborate song and dance routines? Who will be driving as she sits in the passenger seat and sings her teenage heart out? Who will she call sobbing when she breaks up with her first boyfriend? Who will sit in the stall next to her in a college dorm as the effects of her first night of drinking are emptied from her stomach.

Who will tell her she looks great? Who will tell her not to wear that outfit again?

Who will she call when the stress of life, motherhood or marriage become too much to bear alone? Who will tell her she is doing fine? Who will call her out on her shit?

Who will encourage her to take risks, to learn new things, to push herself?

I worry. Deep female friendships were my fate. What is my daughter’s?

Some of these worries were eased as I read the essays in the HerStories Project anthology. These stories of friendship gave me hope. I learned that sisters are everywhere. They are in childhood neighborhoods, grade schools, colleges, workplaces, mom’s groups and parks. They are on the other end of the phone. They are on the computer screen. They are everywhere women are.

Because where there are women, there is empathy and support. There is safety and acceptance. There is a place to confess your darkness and a place to share your light. There is a place for tears of sadness and tears of joy, neither of which are questioned, but instinctively understood. There is honesty and inspiration. There is comfort. The kind of comfort one can only find with sisters. Not everyone is born with them, but the HerStories Project has made me believe that every woman will find her sisters.

I already love those beautiful souls who will be my daughter’s future sisters. I know they are out there, waiting to be her safe place. They don’t know it yet, but they are going to have the coolest sister around.

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