Blog

  • A #SoGladTheyToldMe Twitter Party and Social Media Blitz

    Many of you may have followed Stephanie’s viral post, “I’m Glad They Warned Me,” and the resulting social media campaign that we announced a few weeks ago, #SoGladTheyToldMe. We were absolutely blown away by the support and feedback from readers, and we want to thank all of you so much for supporting the social media movement and the efforts to change the cultural dialogue about motherhood by sharing your own photos and stories. We’ve received almost a hundred photos from mothers sharing their #SoGladTheyToldMe messages, and more keep coming every day!

    Since the campaign’s launch, Stephanie was interviewed by The Chicago Tribune, WGN Radio, The Huffington Post, and was on live TV with 9 News Denver. Websites in Australia, Canada, and the UK have featured their own stories on So Glad They Told Me.  We have been genuinely moved and inspired by all the women who have come together to share their truth and present a broader, more realistic view of motherhood, all while providing support and compassion to other moms.

    To celebrate, we’re having a big social media blitz on Tuesday, February 17th. We’re inviting moms everywhere to take photos of themselves with their signs and share them all over social media that day with the hashtag #sogladtheytoldme. Post your messages (you can just share your sign without being in the photo yourself, if you prefer!) on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. To make an even bigger impact, change your profile picture on Facebook on the 17th to show your support and raise awareness.

    We’re also having a Twitter party on the 17th at 9 PM EST where moms can share their photos and their stories, and bloggers can share their own #SoGladTheyToldMe blog posts. The HerStories Project will be giving away an Amazon gift card AND announcing our next book topic and call for submissions. Don’t miss it!

    stephaniesprenger.com (3)

     To participate in the Twitter party, follow @HerStoriesTales and @MommyIsForReal and use the hashtag #sogladtheytoldme. It’s easiest to use TweetDeck and make a column that follows the hashtag! We can’t wait to reveal our next project and call for submissions!

    You can find all the media links and updates on #SoGladTheyToldMe right here. We hope you’ll join in on February 17th by making your own sign and sharing your photo! Here is a photo gallery for inspiration!

     

    Keep reading

  • I’m So Glad They Told Me: Changing Conversations About Motherhood

    Last week I read the viral post, “They Should’ve Warned Me,” by Jenny Studenroth Gerson, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Although it was a lovely portrayal of her smooth transition to motherhood, it rubbed me the wrong way and I decided to write a response. In my post, I wrote:

    I believe that all mothers, regardless of how smoothly or horrifically their transition to motherhood unrolled, should be part of changing the cultural dialogue about new motherhood. It is so beautiful, powerful, important, magical—of course it is. But it can be haaaard, and it doesn’t come naturally or easily to many women. Our babies don’t all coo blissfully and sh!# unicorn glitter. Sometimes they never stop crying. Sometimes we have no idea what to do with them. As I read Gerson’s article, I kept thinking, “How would a woman suffering from postpartum depression feel while reading this?” Defective, discouraged, humiliated, I suspect. Perhaps even like a failure.

    “I’m Glad They Told Me,” my response to Gerson’s Huffington Post article, is the first post that has ever gone viral on my website. I was floored. The response from other mothers who had a similar reaction to Gerston’s post was overwhelming. I was truly humbled by the support and sharing. A few days later,Huffington Post ran my response, and the comments and messages kept coming.  I was so moved by how many women reached out to me to share their own perspectives. It became clear to me that many mothers felt ashamed and isolated after reading Gerston’s article, well-intentioned though it may have been, as their experiences had been a far cry from hers. They felt their voices had not been heard.

    So this week, we are issuing a challenge to mothers. Now is the time to raise your voice, and share your experience. We want to hear from YOU now. Did anyone throw you a lifesaver at some point—either during your pregnancy, postpartum period, or even later into motherhood? Did someone give you a piece of advice or an honest admission that you were profoundly grateful for? Maybe somebody gave you permission to feel your feelings, or to let go of something. This week, all across social media, we are using the hashtag #sogladtheytoldme and asking moms to share the pieces of truth and wisdom they’ve received. Things like this: I’m so glad they told me

    • That sometimes you don’t fall in love with your baby right away, and that’s OK.
    • That you might miss your old life, and crave your lost freedom.
    • Breastfeeding can be really hard work, and it may not happen for you.
    • That postpartum depression happens, and that it’s not your fault.
    • That your marriage may need a long, difficult period of adjustment. It’s normal.
    • That you may even resent your husband.
    • And worse, that you may sometimes resent your baby and your new lifestyle.
    • That it’s OK to ask for help. There is help.
    • It’s OK if you don’t feel like getting back in shape for a while. Take your time.
    • You might not feel like yourself at first. You’ll come back.
    • Every baby is different, and if yours is harder than your friend’s, it’s OK.
    • You might feel like you suck at this. You don’t.

    FullSizeRender-5

    One of the reasons we decided on the subject matter for our upcoming anthology, Mothering Through the Darkness, is because we believe there is a serious need to present a broader, more balanced image of motherhood in our culture. When we only present one side of the story—the serene, “natural,” smooth side—we do a disservice to mothers and families everywhere.

    I believe that there is a way to provide realistic, supportive guidance to new mothers without assaulting them with overwhelming, negative “warnings.” With our #sogladtheytoldme campaign, we want to hear how somebody supported you, or how you wish you had been supported, when you became a mother.

    We’d love to see your photos of your personal “I’m so glad they told me…” signs. Mothers, please take a photo of yourself holding your sign and share it on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook with the #sogladtheytoldme hashtag. Or just post a photo of your sign, or a simple text only post. Bloggers, we’d love for you to write your own blog posts or and share them with #sogladtheytoldme. Let’s spread a compassionate, real, honest message about motherhood as far as we can.

    You can also email us at theherstoriesproject@gmail.com or Facebook message your photo to us if you prefer. Jessica and I will be compiling photos in our #sogladtheytoldme campaign to create a photo gallery sharing your amazing, powerful voices. Please spread the word to all the mamas you know! Together we can change the conversation about motherhood.

    Or share your advice here!

    Keep reading

  • Introducing the HerStories Voices Column

    After publishing two books, teaching a few online writing courses, and completing two calls for submissions, we have come to a realization: we are absolutely blown away by the writers in our HerStories Project community. The women who have submitted to our anthologies and taken our writing courses often leave us moved, amazed, and speechless with their writing. And we think it’s time we shine a spotlight on the talented voices in our community.

    We are positively thrilled to announce a regular HerStories column, coming in March, featuring your voices. The HerStories Voices column will be an opportunity for women writers to submit essays to be featured on our website twice a month. And we are even more excited to share that we will be paying you to share your essays with us.

    HerStories (4)

    We’ll be publishing essays twice a month as part of our regular HerStories Voices column, and paying $40 for each essay that we publish. So what are we looking for? The column’s tagline is “Real Women, Real Moments, Exceptional Stories.” You can visit our brand new Submit to HerStories Voices page for full details on how to submit, along with some submission guidelines and suggestions. But to put it simply, here’s what we’re asking:

    ​Send us an essay focused on an experience or moment – big or small – that transformed you or made you realize something important.

    We aren’t asking for specific subject matter or themes, but rather essays that are connected by a universal thread of moments of change, and uncovering meaning from your experience. Our favorite personal essayists are skilled at knowing the difference between an “anecdote” and a moment of change that’s the basis for a meaningful story.

    In Writing Motherhood, Lisa Garrigues points out that most of us do not look back on our lives and remember days or months or years. Instead, we remember moments. She says, these moments

    “are not necessarily sensational or traumatic, but they are usually transformative…. The same is true for motherhood. What makes motherhood memorable is not the vast chronology of raising our children from diapers to adulthood but rather the moments — big and small, significant and insignificant — that happen every day.”

    These small moments and their accompanying meaning, inspiration for growth, or impetus for transformation, are what we want you to share with us in your essay submissions. We have some fantastic essays we’d love you to read for inspiration. These essays, all written by members of our HerStories Project community, are great examples of the type of content we are looking for with this series.

    essaygraphicwinter

    If you’re looking for a roadmap to help you craft, refine, and submit the perfect essay, our winter writing bootcamp, Publish Your Personal Essay, is a great fit! This six-week, self-paced, interactive online course begins February 2nd. Registration is limited, but we have a few more spaces left! Learn how to develop, revise, edit, and skillfully submit your personal essay while becoming part of a writers’ group. We’d love to have you! You can read full details and sign up here.

    Please check out our HerStories Voices submission page for full details on how to submit, reminders about what we’re looking for, word count, and contact information. Essay submissions can be sent to herstoriesvoices@gmail.com. We will publish our first two essays in the new column in March! We can’t wait to read your submission!

    Be sure to join us on Facebook to keep up with our growing writing community!

    Keep reading

  • Get Published: A New Class and Writing Goals for the New Year

    It’s a new year, and for many writers, that means an opportunity to reflect on a new set of writing goals. For some that may mean carving out more time to write regularly, to overhaul and rebrand our blog, or to improve networking skills. But for the vast majority of us, writing goals in the new year involve getting our work published. But where? And how?

    Some people may not know that a lot of writers struggle with insecurities, envy, and self-doubt that can lead to a lack of focus and ultimately, inaction. (Oh, God. It’s not just me, is it?) We see links from our writer friends show up in our newsfeed, sharing articles they’ve published on prestigious websites; we scan our favorite magazines to discover who wrote that incredible piece we wish that we had written, and we stare at the same rough draft in our folder that has been taunting us for months. Why is it so hard to take the next step? And how exactly can we achieve our goals of getting published in the new year?

    If you have dreams of getting your work “out there” this year, you’re not alone. We love this article  and podcast on Beyond Your Blog, sharing some of the writing goals bloggers want to accomplish in 2015. Many writers have the drive to keep writing and submitting, but aren’t exactly sure how to go about it. That confusion can be a roadblock to taking any steps at all—finding the impetus to just take that first step can be hugely important.

    We are beyond excited to announce our next writing class, an interactive online course that will focus on that one thing that so many writers want to accomplish in 2015: getting their work published. The Publish Your Personal Essay Writing Bootcamp will focus on several key objectives: crafting an excellent personal essay, revising, editing, and polishing it for a particular publication, and submitting your essay to the perfect place.  We will provide a roadmap of popular publications for submitting work, including both traditional print and online magazines as well as high-profile websites. Writers can learn more about the publications they’ve had their eye on, gain a better understanding of the submissions process, and get a behind-the-scenes glimpse at how to impress editors.

    essaygraphicwinter

    In addition, this course will also emphasize the value of participating in a writer’s group community; participants will learn specific skills to help one another revise and edit their work. Have you ever been asked by a fellow writer to help edit an essay? It’s often difficult to know where to begin. The Publish Your Personal Essay Writing Bootcamp will provide unique tools for critiquing the work of your fellow writing group members in addition to providing important strategies for crafting and revising your own essay.

    We are pleased to include the expertise of Susan Maccarelli of Beyond Your Blog and Norine Dworkin-McDaniel of the Science of Parenthood, as well as Lauren Apfel of Omnimom and debate editor at Brain, Child magazine and The HerStories Project’s developmental and copyeditor. Both will provide feedback on your essays, from editorial suggestions to tips for submitting to the perfect publication.

    Common obstacles for writers who want to get published are:

    1. A lack of clear direction— what are my options? Where do I begin?
    2. Uncertainty about which publications are out there, which ones would be a good fit for their work, and how to submit.
    3. Challenges with revising and editing their pieces– revisions are often the most challenging (and yet essential!) part of the writing process, and many writers have a hard time editing their own work.
    4. They feel like they’re working in a bubble without any feedback, suggestions, or inspiration from other writers.

    The Publish Your Personal Essay Writing Bootcamp will address all of these obstacles to help you achieve your publication goals in 2015. Being part of a writing community can be such a powerful experience. We hope you’ll join ours! The online course begins February 2nd, and is limited to 20 students because of the interactive nature and personalized feedback provided in the course. The class is now full. Make sure you sign up to learn more about spring classes!

    **Are you a blogger who wants to take their writing to the next level but are short on time or money? Try our Write Your Way to a Better Blog course; the PDF is available for only $20 for the remainder of January to help you with your blogging New Year’s resolutions! Along with the six weeks of lessons, you’ll also be invited to join an interactive Facebook discussion group. Find out more about the course and download the PDF here.

    writeyourwaygraphic

    Keep reading

  • The More the Merrier Versus Quality Time

    Happy New Year to our HerStories Project community! We are pleased to announce that as of this month, Nina is now with us twice a month so keep those anonymous questions coming! I think many people will be able to relate to the particularly uncomfortable social dynamic she discusses in this week’s HerTake column:

    HerTakenoavatar

     Hi Nina,

    My daughter-in-law posed this question and I could use your help with an answer.

    My son and daughter-in-law, Josh and Mia, had a dinner group of sorts with two other couples. The six of them would almost always get together at Josh and Mia’s house because they didn’t have a babysitter for their two-year-old twins and the other couples had readily available child care.

    Everyone got busy and about six months has passed since the last get together.

    Couple A said to Josh and Mia, “Hey, we miss getting together for dinner. Let’s make plans to go out to some family friendly place with the kids.” No mention of Couple B.

    So Mia’s question is this: Since dinner together had always been a thing with all three couples, should she ask Couple B to join them?

    My response was no because:

    1) This is a different scenario. Dinner out with the whole family rather than dinner at home with just couples.
    2) Couple A initiated the plan so it would be up to them to reach out to Couple B if they wanted.
    3) Trying to find a restaurant for three couples plus six kids would be tough!

    I guess the question really comes down to something I’ve struggled with, too. How do you tactfully and gracefully make plans with friends who are part of a larger group without including everyone every time?

    Sincerely,

    Mia’s Mother-in-Law

    Dear Mia’s Mother-in-Law,

     What a nice mother-in-law you are! I like that you discussed this with Mia and brought the issue for me to consider. Part of why I love this column is the timelessness of many of the questions. For example, Mia’s situation has little to do with the fact that she has twins or that the other couples have young kids, too. As you said, you deal with the same problem when making plans with friends. And believe me, I have spent more time than I care to admit fretting over leaving people out and being left out myself. I had to work hard (and continue working hard) to get over the latter to even begin addressing the former with a sense of logic and maturity.

    There’s so much going on here! Let’s break it apart.

    First, to address Mia and Josh’s specific scenario, I think your answer was good. You’re right that the dinner out is a different situation than the home group that had formed. Also, going out with six adults and six kids (toddlers) is rather pointless in my opinion. Sometimes in the interest of never hurting anyone’s feelings, many of us end up diluting our social outings to the point where we don’t have conversations beyond the surface. Sure, nobody gets left out that way, but does anyone have that great of a time?

    I’m on the fence about your point that couple A as the initiators of this outing have the responsibility to reach out to couple B. If Josh and Mia are good enough friends with couple A, then it would not be strange for one of them to suggest adding couple B. But the bigger point is that it is absolutely acceptable for the four of them to make plans without couple B.

    The reason I say I’m on the fence about Mia initiating the extra invite is that my husband and I used to be friends with a couple that could not seem to function without making sure that a certain other couple was included every time. It got really annoying and I stopped reaching out for plans. While I understand that my friend was sensitive about leaving out her other friend, I firmly believe it has to be okay for adults to strike a balance between “the more the merrier” and quality time.

    Hold on Mia’s mother-in-law! I think what I just said there is the crux of what you’re asking in your well-stated question at the end. “How do you tactfully and gracefully make plans with friends who are part of a larger group without including everyone every time?”

     MAKING THE CHOICE TO CONTROL CERTAIN FEELINGS

    The key is this: You do it by being gracious and strong when your friends get together without you. You do it by admitting that there are situations when “the more the merrier” is not true at all. Sometimes more is just more bodies, more voices, and less true conversation, and that means realizing we can’t be a part of every plan just like we can’t include everyone else all the time.

    Maybe this all sounds silly to someone who has never felt left out in her life, but I think a solid majority of us have felt that pang, even as adults, when we know that our friends are hanging out without us.

    I’m going to speak for myself now because controlling my feelings is the exact tactic I employed a few years ago when I realized that I could not on one hand crave quality time with my friends yet expect others to include me no matter the situation. I know that when I have a few families over for dinner, it does not signify any lack of loyalty and genuine friendship with my other friends. When my husband and I go out with a few other couples, it does not mean we like our other friends any less. I have to grant the same benefit of the doubt to my friends when they make plans without me.

    The reason this is emotional “work” is because I make the choice in these situations not to feel hurt if I am not included. Maybe I will feel that twinge of surprise and momentary self-consciousness when I realize a gathering has happened or is about to happen without me. But in the next breath I remember how when I’m in the planning mode, I am not intentionally leaving anybody out. I am actively making plans with friend A or friend B. Those plans have nothing to do with friend C, and if friend C found a way to make every social outing about her, well, I wouldn’t want to be friends with her anymore. Nobody wants to deal with friend C’s constant hurt feelings. Do not be friend C!

    THE MORE THE MERRIER vs QUALITY TIME

    It requires a maturity to recognize that some situations call for leaning towards “the more the merrier” and some call for quality time. Long term friendships depend on this maturity on both sides of the equation (as the inviters and the invitees) and the ability to not feel hurt all the time. There is certainly a time for including everyone. There are no rules here, just common sense.

    As for how to make plans with some friends and not others with tact and grace, I have two words: NO SECRETS. I think it’s taken some years, but my friends and I are now good about doing things without including everyone. There was never a formal conversation about it, but I’ve seen the dynamics evolve over the years and it’s been refreshing for all of us (I assume). I’d say the best change I’ve noticed is that nobody is secretive. It’s not like you need to tell everyone what you’re doing all the time, but it feels crappy when a friend says with purposeful vagueness, “We’re going out with some friends,” and makes you feel like you’re too fragile to hear that it’s with people you both know. I’d say be matter-of-fact if the question of what’s happening this weekend comes up and continue to respond gracefully during the times you are on the receiving end of that news.

    I do hope that helps rather than making things more complicated. Nobody ever accused me of under thinking these matters.

    Readers, what has your experience been?

     

    FULL RES - Badzin-03 copy-1Nina will be answering another question later this month! She is also discussing questions from the column on live radio! If you’d like to hear her response to your question, fill out the anonymous question form here.

     

     

    Our recent call for submissions has just closed; if you submitted an essay for Mothering Through the Darkness, our upcoming anthology on postpartum depression, expect to hear from us around March. We will keep you updated, and thanks for supporting this project!

    Bloggers! Looking to take your writing to the next level this year? Work on some of your New Year goals with our online course, Write Your Way to a Better Blog, now available as a PDF! All six weeks of lessons are included, featuring some fantastic guest instructors. Bloggers who purchase the PDF will have access to a Facebook community for discussion and pairing up with other writers. Find out more about the benefits of finding a writing community here. What are you waiting for? Now is the time to focus on making your blog everything you want it to be. To help you achieve your goals for the new year, we’ve dropped the price to $20 for the month of January! Buy the PDF and find out more details here.

    Keep reading

  • HerTake: Changing the Intensity of a Friendship

    Nina will back on the Jordana Green on WCCO CBS radio tomorrow night (Wednesday, Dec 10th) at 10PM Central talking about some of the questions she answered this week as well as how to deal with difficult relationships over the holidays. Twin Cities listeners can tune in live on channel 830, but Nina will post the podcast later this week for the rest of us. Soon the live streaming on WCCO will be working again and we can all tune in live.

    Jordana takes calls and texts and Nina would love to hear from you LIVE. Call 651-989-9226 or text 81807.

     In January Nina will be back on HerStories twice a month to answer questions so keep those anonymous questions coming.

     HerTakenoavatar

    Dear Nina,

    A few months ago I had an argument that did not end well with my dearest friend’s husband. My husband and I are very close to this couple. We socialize with them frequently, have holidays together and casual dinners on Sunday nights and even vacation with them.

    My friend’s husband is a very smart, very narcissistic, successful professional who can be funny and entertaining or, when his mood changes, nasty and insulting. He recently lost his job, his mood worsened and his nastiness increased. He made many negative, insulting, demeaning comments to me–to the point where I had had enough. (He does not think that my profession is as worthy as his.)

    One Saturday night when the four of us were out, he lashed out at me again. (Note that I speak my mind as opposed to my friend and my husband who are more willing to let his insulting comments roll off their backs). After he made a very hurtful remark to me, I responded in kind. I Immediately apologized. He did not and continued his invective towards me.

    A few days later he called me with a lame apology (“to the extent I may have offended you, I am sorry…”) I would like to preserve my friendship with his wife but stop socializing with them as a foursome. My friend has put up with her husband’s abusive ways (towards her, too) for so long that I’m afraid she no longer sees how he behaves and why he has so few friends.

    How do I stay close to my friend given how I feel about her husband?

    Signed,

    Scared to Permanently Damage My Friendship

     

    Dear Scared to Permanently Damage My Friendship,

    I’ve named the couple Dan and Susan so that we’re not throwing around tons of pronouns. I feel for your situation because you’ve invested so much in your individual friendship and the couple friendship. Good couple friends are hard to make and changing the intensity of a friendship without ending it is even harder. I think you can preserve your friendship with Susan, but it will take some finessing.

    My first and most important piece of advice is that you have to resist any temptation whatsoever to let Susan know your true feelings about Dan. This is a lie by omission, but you will permanently damage your friendship with her if you share even one subtle criticism about Dan such as the way he treats her or anyone else.

    I’m suggesting all three of the tactics below be employed simultaneously. I told you this would take some work!

    1. Accelerate your one-on-one friendship with Susan so that no matter how much distance you create in the foursome situation, you will be spending time with Susan. This means that if you spoke once a week, try calling an extra time. If you met for lunch once a month, get together more often. Go for walks, start a new book club, movie group, or cooking group with her. Sign up for a class together. I’m just giving you some ideas for new ways to spend time with her that will not involve Dan. I like the “acceleration tactic” because it’s a positive maneuver rather than what I’m suggesting out of necessity next.

    2. Fade back, but do not fade out of the couple friendship. I often use the terms “fade back” and “fade out” because I think people make all-or-nothing and therefore permanent decisions out of anger and hurt. In most cases it would be better in the long run to decrease the intensity of a friendship rather than abruptly cut someone off. You also need to employ the fade back in this case if you want to stay friends with Susan. She will notice if you never spend time as couples and given what I still consider the most important thing to remember here (not telling her your true opinion of her husband), you will probably have to make plans with them sometimes. You’re going to have to “be busy” more often than not. “Ugh, I’m so sorry our calendar has been so ridiculous. But let’s have lunch next week just the two of us. Weekends have been crazy.” You get the idea. You’re not cutting them off as a couple; you’re slowly changing the intensity of the foursome dynamics. I wonder (and hope) if less time around Dan will make him less bothersome to you on the occasions you are together.

    3. Bring in support. On those evenings when you’re going out with Susan and Dan, why not invite a third couple? The dynamic of six individuals is vastly different from that of four. Maybe this isn’t “proper,” but seat all the women on one end of the table and the men on the other. You’ll hardly see Dan or even hear his voice.

    I’m sorry you’re in this situation by the way. It’s so uncomfortable when you don’t like a close friend’s spouse. I wish you the best of luck in changing the foursome while preserving your friendship with Susan.

    Readers, any other ideas to share?

     

    Dear Nina,

    I have a friend who is very sporadic, really only reaching out to me when she is bored or needs something. I don’t mind being a now and then friend, but she often appeals for support or action on social media. Whenever I respond to her pleas for help, she never acknowledges my efforts. It wouldn’t be a problem except that she then rants about how no one ever supports her. I don’t know how to be the friend that feeds her needs. Am I being too sensitive?

    Thanks,

    Tired of Being Used

     

    Dear Tired of Being Used,

    Before we dive into the issue at hand, I want to comment on a peripheral point that could also help other people. You said, “I don’t mind being a now and then friend.” I find that attitude so refreshing. There are certain people in my life with whom I would probably have a more intense friendship if we each had more time or we ran into each other regularly. The reality is that there is only so much energy any of us can dedicate to friendships that are harder to develop because of where we are in our lives (issues of proximity, busy job, little kids, sick parents, and so on). I’m so grateful for the “now and then friends” in my life who I meet for lunch twice a year or even the long distance conversations that happen a few times a year. There’s something comforting about knowing there are wonderful and interesting people out in the world who wish you well and vice versa even if those friends are not the ones you call in an emergency.

    My point is that it sounds like you have reasonable expectations about the kind of friendship that permits someone to come in and out of your life. Nevertheless, even a casual “now and then friend” needs to abide by certain social norms to stay at that level of friendship, and it sounds like you need to create some new boundaries with this particular woman. I tend to err on the side of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, but the situation you described would annoy me to the point of needing to take some subtle action.

    One word came to mind when you described your friend and that is entitlement. She feels entitled to support, in this case in the form of you and others sharing her work on, I’m assuming, Facebook and Twitter. I’m guessing she shares others’ work often and is annoyed at the lack of tit-for-tat reciprocation. If she came to you for authentic advice asking why she’s having a hard time gathering a supportive “tribe” online, then I would feel less irritated on your behalf. Though truthfully that would be a hard question to answer for her so let’s just deal with the situation at hand and hope she never asks you.

    I’m not sure confronting your friend about her behavior is worthwhile. I’m imagining a scenario where next time she complains that nobody supports her you gently say, “Hey, not sure if you saw that I shared your article on Facebook.” I’m guessing she would respond with, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I saw that! Thank you so much! I didn’t mean ‘nobody supports me,’ but hardly anybody shares my stuff.” And then the complaining would start again.

    A conversation like this doesn’t really get you anywhere unless you’re willing to outright say, “I only hear from you when you need something.” My hesitation is that at this level of friendship it’s not wise to get into a conversation where the only logical outcome would be for her to contact you not just when she needs something, which would mean contacting you more often, thereby changing her status from a “now and then” friend to a someone who is a more constant figure in your life. It sounds like that’s not something you would want. If I’m wrong, then you should tell her exactly how you feel.

    If I’m right that you don’t want her reaching out to you more often, I would stop sharing her stuff every time she asks. If you “feed the monster” so to say, she will keep coming back for more. It’s okay to say, “I’ll try!” next time she asks. If she has the nerve to follow up and ask why you didn’t share her work, say you forgot. I know this is a white lie, but the occasional white lie is a fair strategy to use out of kindness and out of the desire to create some new boundaries.

    I hope that helps! I’m curious to hear readers’ opinions, too.

    Good luck! Nina

     

    You can submit an anonymous question for Nina here! Bloggers: we are now offering our most recent online writing course, “Write Your Way to a Better Blog” as a PDF! Buy it this week for only $29! Details here.

     

     

    Keep reading