Jessica Smock, Author at The HerStories Project

Jessica Smock

A New Year, A New Project: Our Call For Submissions

Have you ever lost a friend? Was that loss in some ways more painful than the end of a love affair?

In our first collection of stories of friendship by female writers, The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power, we included a section on friendship loss. The response to that part of the book has fascinated us. Stephanie and I found that we couldn’t stop thinking about this aspect of friendship: Why is it so painful for a friendship to end and why is it so hard for women to talk about?

Again and again, other women — friends, readers, relatives, acquaintances — have told us stories of their own friendship breakups and dissolutions. In their stories, we’ve heard their pain, their shame, their confusion, and their continued sense of deep loss.

Now we’re wondering if you can help us out with our next project: We want to hear your stories of friendships from any time in your life that have ended — from friends who left you or others that you left. The friendship that ended suddenly or the one that faded gradually.

We are happy to announce our call for submissions for our next anthology. This collection — tentatively titled, “My Other Ex: Women’s Stories of Friendship Burnouts, Betrayals, and Breakups”— will include essays about a friendship that has ended. Maybe there was a reconciliation later in time, maybe there wasn’t. Maybe the ending of that bond brought enormous pain or maybe its conclusion brought great relief.

You can also help us out by completing our survey or participating in the project in other ways, such as a private Facebook group or e-mail interviews.

Click below to submit a story to us by February 24, 2014 about a friendship that ended. Submissions should be previously unpublished and between 1000 and 4000 words. (If you have a previously published piece that you would like to rework, feel free to ask us about it too.) Please include a brief biography and your contact information (e-mail, blog address, social media links). E-mail us at info@herstoriesproject.com with any questions! We’re so excited to start this project with all of you!

Submit to The HerStories Project

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College Friends, Forever Friends

My college friends will always hold a special place in my heart. There’s something about growing up together — the metamorphosis from a freshman dropped off in the family car to a “real” adult worried about careers, apartment rents, and car payments — that bonds us so completely to our college tribe. Our HerStories Project book contributor Samantha Brinn Merel captures this unique bond in this guest post. – Jessica

“Thirty-one doesn’t need a lot of fanfare. It just wants dinner in Manhattan, an amazing dessert, a fun drink or two, and my very best friends all sitting around the same table. It is realizing for what feels like the millionth time that these people I call friends are really my family, and that this path I walk would be impassable without them.”

Samantha’s birthday dinner with her best college friends

I wrote these words last Friday on my thirty-first birthday. Sitting around the table the next night for the aforementioned Manhattan dinner, looking into the faces of my very best friends – my college friends – it hit me how true they really are. And it hit me that this coming May an anniversary is on the horizon. Nine years since our graduation from Brandeis University, our safe haven in the tiny town of Waltham, Massachusetts, nine miles outside of Boston.

In the world of higher education, where reunions are routinely marked every five years, nine is not a particularly momentous number. Almost four years since our fifth reunion. A little more than one year until our tenth. But something about this nine year mark struck me. Maybe because there have been so many changes, both good and bad, since we gathered on campus almost four years ago for our fifth reunion. Or maybe because nine years seem to have passed both slowly and so very, very quickly. Or most likely because, looking around that table into the faces of the women who are like sisters to me, I was struck again by the fact that a mere twist of fate sent me to Brandeis, and to them. And in that moment, I was just so damn grateful for them, and for us, and for the miracle that brought us to each other.

On the way home from dinner that night, I found myself on my phone, flipping through pictures of our graduation day. And suddenly, I was not in a car driving up the West Side Highway towards home, but back at Brandeis in May of 2005. Lining up to march on a gloomy Sunday morning amid a sea of black caps and gowns. Hoods no one could quite figure out how to attach. A speaker we were too preoccupied to hear. A shower of blue and white balloons. Cameras snapping. Laughs. Smiles. Tears. Excitement over what was to come. Wishing badly for just one more year – or two, or four – in the warm embrace of the campus that had become our home.

We met as Freshman. Wide-eyed and new. We were finally there. College. A land filled with unknown places and faces, just waiting to be discovered. And in all that vast and unknown territory, we met each other. Together we twirled and navigated our way through those crazy beautiful college days. We learned, and loved, and grew. We laughed until our sides hurt, and we cried ourselves dry. We accomplished and we stumbled in equal measure. We had fun. Huge sunbursts of fun.

We lived together and studied together. Drank vast amounts of coffee and ate late night junk food together. We analyzed everything in that beautifully complex way that only college girls can. We learned about each other and about ourselves. And we planned for the great unknown future. And hoped that we would still be together.

Those pictures took me back. And when I looked back I saw us then. Gathering in a freshman common room on that first, terrifying night. Piling into booths in Sherman Dining Hall. Trudging up the Rabb Steps in blinding snow and unbearable heat. Navigating move-in days and frantic housing lottery weeks. Filling Ziv common rooms on Friday nights. Going back to our freshman quad during senior week; walking the halls where our journey began. Staring at those falling balloons on graduation day with a mixture of awe and dread. Coming back to campus five years later for three incredible days to relive it all.

And sitting around that table celebrating my thirty-first birthday I looked at us now. At all we have accomplished. At our good lives. And I feel so incredibly lucky. Lucky to have had the four years that preceded graduation day; the years that made an indelible mark on who I was and the person I have become. To have the friendships forged during those years. To know that I always will. To have stood for these women at their weddings, and them for mine. To have cuddled their babies and watched them grow. To have celebrated new apartments and new jobs. New houses and new homes. To have laughed together and dried each other’s tears. To have been silly and serious and everything in between.

And I wondered. I wonder what we will think when we look back on today, many years from now. I hope we’ll feel the same way. Nostalgic for the past. Happy about the now. Excited for all that still lies ahead. Lucky to still have each other.

As the car turned into our driveway I made a silent toast, the last of my birthday weekend. To the girls we were then. To the women we are now. And to the path we still walk.

Together.

Do you still keep in touch with your college friends? How often do you see them? Is your bond still there?

Samantha is a lawyer, runner, writer and pop-culture junkie living in the suburbs of New York City. Samantha writes at her blog, This Heart of Mine, and was a contributor to our book, The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendship.

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A New Year’s Update: New Friends and New Beginnings

2013 was quite a year for Stephanie and me: we both had new blogs of our own, we met, we started the HerStories blog, we compiled a book of essays, we published it, and we continue to be thrilled by the extraordinary relationships and connections that we’ve made through this project.

During the past few weeks, we’ve been honored to receive kind words about our project from several of our writing “idols.” For instance, Kate Hopper, the memoirist and writing instructor whose book Use Your Words: A Writing Guide for Mothers has become a trusted guide for many mom writers (including us!), read our book and left us with a beautiful review. Rachel Macy Stafford, who writes the extraordinary blog Hands Free Mama, took time from getting ready for the release of her new book, Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters!, to tell us how she moved she was by our contributors’ stories.

And today Jill Smokler of Scary Mommy is featuring our guest post on her blog. We wrote a guest post about making online friendships. We were so honored that Jill agreed to write the foreword to the book, and she continues to be an amazing supporter of this project.

In some ways, it’s not surprising that a book about the power of female friendship has led to…. more female friendships and new bonds between new and experienced writers.

But for Stephanie and me, this has been one of the most gratifying parts of this project: seeing new relationships develop among our contributors as well as making new connections of our own within several writing communities.

We can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store for The HerStories Project! (Hint: This month we’ll be announcing the topic and details of our next project…. Stay tuned for details!!)

Are friendships and relationships a part of your goals and hopes for the New Year? We’d love to hear about them!

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Books We Recommend for Every Friend on Your List (At Any Time of the Year)

Need a last minute gift for a friend, sister, your mom, or a co-worker?

Books are always my favorite gifts to give. I love trying to choose a book based on someone’s personality, interests, and book genre preferences. And I love receiving books too! To me, nothing says that someone knows me and understands me better than choosing a book that engrosses me and touches me.

Over the past year I’ve gotten to know several books about friendship. Some are inspiring and motivating, others are beautifully written examples of memoir, and some are informative and practical.

Here are a few to check out to give to your all of your friends, from your BFF to your co-worker.

For your friend who loves literary memoirs…..

She Matters: A Life in Friendships by Susanna Sonnenburg. The book that started it all for Stephanie and me. This is the memoir of friendship stories that first inspired our reflections on our own relationships and then our HerStories blog. According to Publisher’s Weekly, “Sonnenberg’s strikingly honest depictions of tumultuous female alliances and confessions about friendships are both moving and relatable; her depth of reflection and incandescent prose marks this exceptional memoir as a must-read to share among friends.” We were hooked from the first of these linked essays.

For a friend who loves to read fascinating and surprising research

Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are by Carla Flora, one of our own HerStories Project contributors. An examination of friendship based on research evidence and women’s own stories by a journalist and former Psychology Today editor.

For a friend who’s looking to understand how to make more friends

Friendships Don’t Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends by another contributor, Shasta Nelson. A guide for how to create friendships in today’s busy world by the CEO of GriendFriendCircles.Com.

For the friend who likes funny writers

Friendkeeping: A Field Guide to the People You Love, Hate, and Can’t Live Without by Julie Klam. Klam is a very witty writer. She tackles the topic of adult friendship with humorous vignettes. The book is light-hearted but also wise and poignant.

For the friend who is going through a “friendship breakup“

Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend by “The Friendship Doctor” Irene Levine. In her book (and her blog), Dr. Levine talks about why friendships fall apart, how to cope with getting dumped by a friend, how to end an irreparable friendship, and how to move forward after a traumatic friendship split. She pinpoints many of the various reasons that friendships can disintegrate and also helps shed light on when it is worthwhile to mend the relationship, or better to cut your losses and move on.

And finally, for all the women on your list (your friends, your mom, your sisters), don’t forget about our book, The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendship. Our book is a collection of friendship essays by 50 female writers who reflect upon how a friendship has shaped the trajectory of their lives. We think women of all ages could relate to the power of these bonds and to these stories.

Which books have you given friends for the holidays, birthdays, special occasions, or just because?

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How To Be a Good Mom Friend During the Holidays

The holidays are magical. The lights, the songs, the trees, the joy on children’s faces. All priceless.

That holiday magic comes with a price, of course. Every parent knows that. Someone has to decorate those trees, bake those perfectly decorated gingerbread cookies, pick up the in-laws from the airport, mail those letters to Santa, shop for those presents, wrap them lovingly, and attend all those holiday fairs and plays.

The holidays can quickly become its own type of stress, with overwhelming commitments and anxiety. With so much to do and think about, it’s easy to put our friends — our confidantes, our supporters, our sources of advice — at the end of our holiday to-do lists.

It’s also tempting for the holidays to become more like a competitive sport with Pinterest and toy catalogues as the rule books. (I admit to feeling lazy, jealous, and inadequate occasionally when I see Facebook friends’ pictures of holiday perfection.)

We think that all of this — friendship neglect as well as holiday envy and competition between friends — are big mistakes.

Here are 5 tips for how to get through the holidays, while also honoring and strengthening your friendships. We asked our HerStories Project book contributors — all friendship experts in their own right! — for their advice.

1. DO cut your friends a bit of slack during the holidays. Contributor Nina Badzin says this could be as simple as refusing to read into perceived slights. Nina’s advice: “If a friend doesn’t respond to a text, think ‘she’s super busy’ instead of ‘she’s ignoring me.'”

Similarly, contributor Jessica Vealtizek describes how she and her friends “don’t keep score” about who owes whom a phone call or a text….”As in, who cares who called whom last, or who owes who a call, etc. If you’re friends, it doesn’t matter,” Jessica said.

Vicky Willenberg has started doing something similar with her friends. “I am consciously making an effort to have extra grace as my friends and I are all really busy this time of year so we can’t make plans and check in as easily,” she said. “Second, I am making a huge effort to text 1-3 friends each day just to say hi, have a great day, acknowledge something specific I know they have going on or just to say something I love about them.”

2. DO find a small gift that reflects your feelings and knowledge about your friend.

Contributor Alexa Bigwarfe sends her best friend, who lives in France, a small gift that reminds her of her friend. Galit Breen wrote a terrific article this week about small acts of kindness for your friends. Galit suggests giving your girlfriend her favorite treats or bringing a container of a wonderful meal that you’ve made to your friend at her house or work.

Contributor Alexandra Rosas shares one small way that she shows her best friend that she cares: “I know that my BFF IRL loves McCafe French Vanilla Lates, so every Sunday morning on the way to church, I pick one up for her. She counts on it and it always thrills her to just roll out of bed and have a home coffee delivery Sunday mornings.”

And I love this idea from Galit: Give your friend a photo. Galit writes, “Moms are rarely in pictures. You can fix that problem for your girlfriend! Snap a photo of her in action with her children or husband and send it to her. You can even edit the photo, but a text photo in the raw is perfection!”

3. DO give and accept help.

At some point or another, many of us get overwhelmed during the holidays. An important work assignment, sick kids, a serious illness in the family… All of these can push this time of the year and its obligations and traditions from busy and meaningful to stressful and difficult. Take friends up on their offers of help can strengthen your friendships, as well as lighten the load.

“Accepting an offer of help can sometimes make you feel vulnerable, but that’s okay and even important with friends,” according to contributor Shannan Ball Younger. “One time I announced to a friend that I had finished a project that she had offered to help me with. I thought she’d be relieved that I had done it myself and instead, she was disappointed. I’ll never forget that she said, ‘I really would have loved to have been of help to you.’ I missed a golden friendship opportunity that would have benefited both of us.”

4. DON’T plan events that cause additional stress to your friends.

Getting together with your friends can be a terrific way to take a break from family holiday chores. But don’t make these events another reason to spend a lot of time and money. Focus instead on getting together and catching up.

Contributor Allison Carter has a few suggestions: “Have a party where it is expressly forbidden to bring anything that ISN’T store bought – prepared food and things in bottles. Also, a few of my girlfriends and I get together at the mall on weekday evening, do Christmas shopping together (we each come with our lists!) then treat ourselves to drinks and a late dinner out afterwards. My gals and I don’t demand appearance at every single party – we allow each other to say NO, then we spend time emailing or talking on the phone, laughing about the stress.”

5. DO give our book to your friends! We think that our HerStories Project book is the perfect gift to share with friends. It’s a great conversation starter for discussing and thinking about your own friendship. Talk about which of the stories and the women are most relevant to your relationships.

What are some ways that you show your friends that you care during the holidays?

Don’t forget to come to our Twitter party tonight, Tues., Dec. 10 from 9 to 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Follow us at @herstoriestales and use the hashtag #herstoriestales. You could win a copy of our newly released book: The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendship!

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And Finally a Book Proof Landed on My Doorstep….

I waited all afternoon, never straying more than ten feet from the front door and the front windows that look out onto the street. According to the online tracking information, it was somewhere being driven around Buffalo, New York — my hometown.

Several UPS and Fed Ex trucks drove by my house during that period, never stopping. I waited and waited. To distract myself, I decided to cook, a rare Friday night occurrence in our house, a day when take-out generally is enjoyed by all. I started to prepare the ingredients for my favorite red wine pan sauce for steak. (Really, who was I kidding? My recipe preparation was a great excuse to open a bottle of red wine very early.)

Then at about 5:30 it arrived. I tore open the small box, and there it was. Our proof. The proof of our book was in my hands.

To say that I was excited is something of an understatement. That night the book “slept” next to me on the night stand, and I continue to carry it around with me in the house.

So what about poor Stephanie, my co-editor? How was she handling the excitement of seeing our book for the first time? I’m very sorry to say that she hasn’t seen it in person yet. We did do Facetime right away, but I know that it’s not the same. This unfair situation happened because I was the first to go into our account dashboard once the online version of the proofs was approved and to have a physical proof sent to me. And apparently you only get to mail out one proof to be approved by the author. (After the proof is approved by us, we wait for it to be approved by Amazon.)

I’m so pleased with our cover design. (We’re really proud of it, and if you hate it, maybe you could keep it to yourself for just a month or so, until the initial giddiness subsides. Then we’ll start taking constructive criticism once again.)

Our cover is one of the parts of self-publishing this book about which I’m most proud. Yes, we self-published it, and we’re not ashamed to say it. I always imagined that someday I’d be involved in publishing a book, but I never thought I’d be self-publishing. Yet for a multitude of reasons, this was the smartest decision for us.

So what have we learned so far that might be useful to others and that you as readers might be interested to know?

1. Cover design is everything. This was stressed to us over and over. You do not want your cover to look self-published. I’m not sure what that means exactly — the “self-published look” — but it’s sort of like pornography, I guess; you know it when you see it. We researched a lot of design options, but never for a second considered doing it ourselves. As many of our online friends know, our cover design went through many iterations, driving our cover designer crazy, and it was hard to listen to critical feedback. Which leads me to our next lesson….

2. Get tons of outside opinions. When you’re self-publishing a book, even with a partner, it’s really easy to live inside your own little bubble. Getting outside help with editing is a no-brainer; that’s not optional at all. But you need others’ opinions about lots of other facets of your book. In addition to our cover design, we got outside feedback about our introduction, our title, our book’s organization, our marketing strategy…. And we tried hard not to be thin-skinned.

3. Embrace learning new technology. If you want to try self-publishing, knowing Microsoft Word is probably not enough. It’s incredibly helpful to have an organizational tool for putting together your book and formatting it that’s much more sophisticated and versatile than Microsoft Word, particularly if you’re working with other authors. We used PressBooks, which I strongly recommend, particularly if you’re a blogger, since it uses the WordPress framework. PressBooks is a book publishing tool; you put in your content — in a way similar to adding blog posts — and choose a theme. Then PressBooks can export it automatically into formats suitable for paperback book and e-book creation. And it’s free! At least until your book is ready to export and then you have to pay to remove the PressBooks watermark off your book. Alternatively, lots of other writers use Scrivener, another software tool for authors, and I tried that out and love it too.

There are lots of things that we could have done better, but that’s for another day’s post…

For right now we’re thrilled to be releasing this book in two weeks!

For a chance to win one of three copies of the book, submit a friendship photo to us and enter our Wall of Friendships contest!

And check out these posts by our amazing contributors:

– Galit Breen’s “Gift Ideas for Her” (thanks for the HerStories Project book mention!)

– Liz Aguerre’s “I Am a Writer “

-Samantha Brin Merel’s “30 Years of Friendship” (an incredible collection of photos from a very long friendship)

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Jessica Smock

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