Jessica Smock

  • What’s in a Name? A Request for Your Thoughts on Our Book Title

    As we’ve said before, we continue to be amazed by the response to our call for submissions for our next book, “My Other Ex.” We are reading through each one carefully, as well as the responses that we’ve received so far to our Friendship Breakup survey.

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    We want our book to be unique. Not just an anthology, it will include women’s stories from our surveys, interviews, and responses from our blog readers. We want to present women’s own experiences with friendship loss in their own words, but we also want to dig a little deeper and try to understand why this experience impacts women so significantly through every stage of life. What is it about women’s relationships that cause such intense emotions? Why do women’s friendships end so differently than men’s?

    Here’s where we’d love your help. When we were planning our first book, “The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendship,” we didn’t seek much outside input about the title, and we regret that a little. Right now we’re pleased with our book title, “My Other Ex.” But we’re not sure about our subtitle: “My Other Ex: Women’s Stories of Friendship Burnouts, Betrayals, and Breakups.” We’ve also been considering “My Other Ex: Women on Leaving and Losing Friendships.”

    An intriguing and attention-grabbing title is so important for a book; it can make the difference between good sales and bad sales or between capturing the attention of an agent/editor rather than being relegated to the eternal “slush pile.”

    Do you have any suggestions for us? Which title do you like better? We would absolutely welcome your own ideas!!!

     

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  • The Case for Mixing Business and Friendship

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    I’m happy to introduce a guest post by one of my oldest and dearest college friends, Elura, who was also a contributor for The HerStories Project book published in December. From the day that I met her freshman year I’ve continued to be impressed by Elura’s “take charge” attitude, loyalty, and sense of humor. She is one funny woman. She’s a true friend — someone that you know will always have your back. And, of course, she’s my only friend that has her own reality show on OWN, Oprah’s network, and the only one that I’m likely to see arguing with other guests on cable television when I’m at the gym. Here’s Elura’s take on a subject dear to both Stephanie’s and my hearts: friends as business partners. -Jessica

     

    People love to give unsolicited advice, particularly when the subject of that advice is something about which they know almost nothing. I’ve had literally hundreds of people tell me that they’d “never go into business with a friend” — when the truth is that most of those folks would never go into business, period. But there seems to be an almost unspoken wisdom about the idea that one should never mix girlfriendship with one’s career. I’m here to tell you that that “wisdom” is not only a load of crap, but is also evidence of the remaining gender gap in the workplace.

    First, I’d like to explore the utter lack of truth of the assumption that friendship is some kind of handicap for entrepreneurship. Starting a business — whether that business is a law firm, a medical practice, a bookstore, a cupcake truck or a lemonade stand — is an exciting, frightening, risky, and potentially rewarding undertaking. It will be draining, emotional, and confusing at times. Hopefully, it will also be a rewarding source of emotional and financial pride. So why on earth would we avoid sharing those things with someone who has already been vetted for compatibility and loyalty? Yes, I’ve heard the logic that when the business fails, it’ll affect the friendship. Or that when the friendship fails, it’ll affect the business.

    But are we really going through life with this kind of uberdefeatist attitude? What about The Secret and the law of attraction and all that Oprahworthy mindset stuff? Let me tell it to you straight: if you are starting a business already planning for its failure, then your business is going to fail, and it’s not because you picked the wrong partner. The same goes for a friendship. I certainly don’t suggest that you pick a friend at random with whom to begin a venture. But if you have a friend with whom you work well, share values, and enjoy creating plans, don’t reject the one person who might make a fabulous co-CEO, just because you heard an idiom that seemed to prohibit working with a friend.

    And while we’re on the subject, let’s take a minute to recognize that no one would ever tell a man not to go into business with a “contact” he has because the two of them like to go fishing together. When talking about business, men tend to call their friends “associates” or “contacts” — but let’s not allow their imprecise use of language obscure the truth. When men spend enjoyable time together talking, drinking, hunting, golfing, etc. — they are “friends.” When those same men collaborate in a business venture, they have, in fact, “gone into business with a friend.”

    So I invite all of you to join me in taking pride in trusting my own friendships enough to share a bank account with the same person with whom I can share shoes. After all, isn’t the ultimate success that which you share with someone you love?

     

    Elura-and-MicheleElura Nanos, Esq, has owned a business with her best friend, Michele Sileo, Esq., for over a decade.  Together, the two have founded an award-winning business, co-authored three books, and landed their own reality series Staten Island Law.  Elura and Michele regularly give keynote speeches and do television appearances together.
    Follow them both on Twitter: @elurananos @michelesileo1
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  • A Guest Post and a Free E-Book in Celebration of Friendship

    Stephanie and I have two things to share today that we’re excited about…

    First, in honor of both Valentine’s Day and International Book Giving Day, we’re offering our HerStories Project book for free as an e-book on Amazon for one day, today, Wednesday, February 10. Why not get a free e-book for yourself and buy one for your best friend, your sister, your mom, as a Valentine’s Day surprise? 

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    We’re also proud to share a lovely story that our contributor Rose Townsend of the blog Naturally Educated shared with us about how her participation in the HerStories Project and our community of friends and writers led to an important realization about family and friendship:

    Sometimes I worry about my daughter.  At four, she is already rocking life.  She is creative, funny, determined and has more confidence than I can sometimes muster as an adult.  But there is one thing she doesn’t have.  It is something I have always had.  It is something I could not live without.  My girls.

    My twin cousins, my first two friends, were born six months before I arrived in this world.  One year later, my sister was born, followed by more cousins and eight years later, another sister.   I was set.  All of these lovely ladies lived either in my house or less than a few blocks away.  They were my greatest supporters, my confidants, my shoulders to cry on, my laugh until it hurts kind of friends for as long as I can remember.  They still are.  I even followed my twin cousins to college.  And one sister followed soon after.

    With two brothers and no female cousins nearby, I wonder what my daughter is going to do without these girls.  I wonder, who will stay up all night with her at her first sleepover? Who will be her fellow performers in elaborate song and dance routines?  Who will be driving as she sits in the passenger seat and sings her teenage heart  out?  Who will she call sobbing when she breaks up with her first boyfriend?  Who will sit in the stall next to her in a college dorm as the effects of her first night of drinking are emptied from her stomach.

    Who will tell her she looks great?  Who will tell her not to wear that outfit again?

    Who will she call when the stress of life, motherhood or marriage become too much to bear alone?  Who will tell her she is doing fine?  Who will call her out on her shit?

    Who will encourage her to take risks, to learn new things, to push herself?

    I worry.  Deep female friendships were my fate. What is my daughter’s?

    Some of these worries were eased as I read the essays in the HerStories Project anthology.  These stories of friendship gave me hope.  I learned that sisters are everywhere.  They are in childhood neighborhoods, grade schools, colleges, workplaces, mom’s groups and parks.  They are on the other end of the phone.  They are on the computer screen.  They are everywhere women are.

    Because where there are women, there is empathy and support.  There is safety and acceptance.  There is a place to confess your darkness and a place to share your light.  There is a place for tears of sadness and tears of joy, neither of which are questioned, but instinctively understood.  There is honesty and inspiration.  There is comfort.  The kind of comfort one can only find with sisters.  Not everyone is born with them, but the HerStories Project has made me believe that every woman will find her sisters.

    I already love those beautiful souls who will be my daughter’s future sisters.  I know they are out there, waiting to be her safe place.  They don’t know it yet, but they are going to have the coolest sister around.

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  • When Friendships and Book Clubs Do Not Mix

    FULL RES - Badzin-03 copy-1This week we’re thrilled to publish a guest post by HerStories Project contributor Nina Badzin. Lots of women are enthusiastic members of their book clubs, but it’s also true that not every woman is looking for the same thing when she joins one. Have you ever been a “mismatch” with a book club that you’ve joined? Read Nina’s experience with trying to combine friendship and book clubs:

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    I always wanted to be part of a book club.

    My initial desire started young when I observed my mom’s enthusiastic participation in one. However, I didn’t realize as a kid that my mom and her fellow book club members were brought together through a shared love of reading and nothing more. They were certainly very friendly on account of the book club, but they didn’t create the book club because they were close friends. The difference is significant, which took several failed book clubs for me to understand.

    I started my first book club in the summer of 2000. I was twenty-three and had recently moved to Minneapolis where I knew my husband’s (then fiance’s) family and not another soul. In my fantasy of young almost-married life, I had to be part of a book club. Aside from the model of my mom’s club, I also had Oprah. The summer of 2000 was the heyday of Oprah’s book club. People were reading the same books all over the country, discussing them in cozy groups while sipping wine in well-designed living rooms. I wanted in! More than anything though, I wanted to make friends.

    I created a book club as soon as I’d made two friends, and they invited others they knew. I remember not liking some of the novels we chose, but like my mother, I always finished so I could participate. My frustration when others didn’t finish or when we didn’t really discuss the book was palpable. Let’s just say I wasn’t the most popular woman in the group and instead of making new friends, I made people mad. Eventually I quit, which made me look like a snob (according to the unsolicited feedback that came back to me later). The experience was a disaster both from a book lover’s point of view, and as someone trying to make new friends in a new city.

    I tried another group with some different friends the next year, but the same thing happened. We’d rarely discuss the book because not everyone had read it. Now before you think I’m completely anti-social, let me say that I do love hearing about everyone’s lives, catching up, and simply hanging out. But I longed for a book club where the women wanted to talk about the books. I mean really discuss them–like speaking over each other and having to eventually cut off the conversation when it gets too late kind of discussing. I was also a ninth grade English teacher then, which meant I already spent time forcing a discussion about a book as a job. I didn’t want to do that in my free time too!

    Fast forward a few years. A friend of mine invited me into a book club with some women she’d known in high school. This book club didn’t work out for me either because those of us who read the book weren’t supposed to “ruin” the ending for the others. When I accidentally broke that rule, the group’s unofficial leader sent a scathing email to the entire group reminding us how “unfair” it was to spoil the ending. Any book lover will understand why I left that group immediately. I also realized that I didn’t want to be in a book club with a group of old friends–my friends or anyone’s.

    Since then I’d been invited into other groups, but I’d always decline. In a smaller community like Minneapolis, I didn’t think I could afford to make any more bad impressions with people based on my desires to discuss the dang book.

    However, two neighbors I was friendly with insisted many times that I try the neighborhood club. They promised that everyone in the group was an enthusiastic participator. And they were right! I’ve been in that group for two years now, and I finally found the club where I belong. The women range in age from 35 to 65, which helps keep conversation from lingering too long on subjects like potty training or even college visits. We are all at different points in our lives and come from a variety of backgrounds, but what we all have in common in any particular month is the book we read. Our differences bring layers to the discussion and bring up issues from the book that hadn’t occurred to me on my own.

    As for friendship, of course after two years we’ve developed a friendliness above and beyond “fellow book club member.” I was incredibly touched when some of the women from the group carpooled to see me in the Listen to Your Mother show last year. And when an interesting author comes to town we have tried to make an outing of that, too. We’ve arranged for author visits as well either in person or via Skype. I must say it’s the perfect book club (for me) made even more wonderful by each host living no more than five minutes from my house. Luckily this book club saga had a happy ending!

    Have you been able to create a successful book club with close friends or has your experience been more like mine?

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  • The HerStories Project: More Than Just a Book About Friendship

    We’re honored to introduce a guest post one of our HerStories contributors, Julie Burton of Unscripted Mom!

    Julie and her lifelong friend, Dina and Laura
    Julie and her lifelong friends, Dina and Laura

    The Community Established

    It has been over a month since the release of Jessica Smock and Stephanie Sprenger’s book The Her Stories Project. The most striking aspect of being a part of this project is how Jessica and Stephanie not only skillfully compiled and published the book but that they worked/and continue working to create a strong, supportive community amongst the 50 contributors. It truly has been an honor to be a part of this amazing community of women writers. Although I have been a writer for most of my adult life, I was a bit late to the mommy blogging party that began several years ago, and really took off when blogs like Scary Mommy went viral.  My blog will celebrate its first birthday in March.

    I always found my writing career to be somewhat lonely. Until recently, I didn’t have any writer friends to speak of. Also, I am a gen-X-er and not a gen-Y-er, so I also didn’t fully “get” how to use social media to connect with like-minded writers. But then, last year, local writer and fellow contributor Nina Badzin appeared in my life (which is a friendship story in its own right), and she taught me “blogging and tweeting 101” (she really should offer an on-line course). She also introduced me to Jessica, Stephanie, and many other great writers and witty, engaging and inspiring mom bloggers. I am extremely grateful for the strength and connectedness I have found in this community, and how Jessica and Stephanie made sure that as they wove the essays together in their book, they also linked together the women behind the words.

    Essential Lessons Learned

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    As I mother my four children and help guide them through the ups and downs of their friendships, I am continually reminded of how important friendships are, and how even at my age, some friendships can still be tricky to navigate. The essays in The Her Stories Project explore the beauty and the pain of friendship, as well as all the gray areas in between.

    It has made me take a closer look at my friendships, both past and present—the ones that lasted a lifetime, the ones that fizzled out over time and the few that ended abruptly leaving a bad taste in both of our mouths, and an unsettledness in our hearts.

    Reason. Season. Lifetime,” my friend simply stated when I began talking to him about friendships.

    “What do you mean?” I asked. He explained that there are three different kinds of friends:

    • Reason—these are friends you bond with for a reason—you work out with them, you attend a study group with them, you serve on a committee with them. They serve a purpose and a fulfill a current need for companionship in your life.
    • Season—these friendships often happen as a result of something that brings you together and keeps you together for, on average, five to seven years—your kids go to school together, you are in the same book club, you are neighbors or you work together. Oftentimes, these friendships fizzle out when the season that brought you together ends—your kids attend different high schools, you change jobs or move.
    • Lifetime–The third kind of friendship, which you are truly lucky if you have even one, is, of course, the lifetime friend. Your relationship has stood the test of time. She knew you when, she knows you now and she still loves you, and you feel the same way about her. These friendships are the most sturdy and reliable friendships. (I truly don’t know where I would be without my lifetime friends.)

    Women need all three of these types of friendships, and they are each meaningful and fulfilling in different ways. And certainly a “reason” or “season” friendship can evolve into a long-standing friendship. When I step back to look at women and friendships in general, I notice that many women shy away from talking about friendships that are more challenging (which is why Jessica and Stephanie’s book is so important).

    Women often think their friendships should be easy and natural, but when they are not, many women feel a certain amount of shame and they just want to move on. Dr. Irene S. Levine takes a close look at women’s friendships in her 2010 article in the Huffington Post:

    “Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don’t last forever. In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, a phenomenon occurs that is somewhat akin to the seven-year itch: Half of our close friendships turn over every seven years. Women are reluctant to talk about their friendship problems, which turn out to be quite common: losing friends, having unfulfilling friendships, or having no friends at all. Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure–relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets–our closest friendships tend to be imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings—resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.”

    For me, I know that I have been an amazing friend and I have been a shitty friend (not intentionally). I have been a devoted friend and a “checked-out” friend. I have hurt friends and been hurt by friends. But from each friendship, I have learned and grown, and I hope my friends feel the same way.

    For mothers, our friendships are essential. They don’t have to be the Cosmo drinking, lunching or hitting the town several nights a week, Carrie Bradshaw and her girl gang types of friendships. However, an integral part of being a healthy woman and mother (which I cover in complete detail in my upcoming book on motherhood and self-care) is to be mindful and thoughtful about friendships. Mothers are exploring the unknown, sometimes terrifying territory of raising kids, while often managing a career and relationship with their partner (or ex-partner). When moms need assurance, acceptance, clarity, validation, support, guidance, love and trust, we often turn to our friends before anyone else (including our partners).

    So, in the spirit of friendship, give this a try (or even a thought): On a regular basis, make a point to reach out to a new friend, an old friend, or maybe even an estranged friend, and say or do something that could literally make her day. It could be as simple as a phone call to say, “Hi, I am thinking about you.” Without having any expectations, notice what transpires, within yourself and within your friendships.

    Have you had a friendship that ended, either gradually or suddenly? Either by your choice or your friend’s? Please take our friendship breakup survey… You could win a $25 gift certificate to Amazon!

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  • BFFs, Girl Crushes, and a Giveaway: My Interview with Rachel Bertsche

    Do you have a girl crush?

    rachel-headshotI’m going to introduce you to one of mine, Rachel Bertsche, who wrote the national bestseller, MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend. And read on to the end of this post to find out how you could win a copy of the book! It’s the story of her year-long quest (through a series of 52 friend-dates, one per week) to find a new BFF after she moves to Chicago to be with her boyfriend (now husband).

    First, here’s the Urban Dictionary definition of a girl crush:

    a) feelings of admiration and adoration which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl b) a nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level

    And here is a small sample of my previous girl crushes:

    • Everything (Alanis Morissette song)Alanis Morissette: She and I were born exactly two months apart, in the same year. I like to think of us as potential (inevitable?) spiritual friend/soulmates. We went through tragic breakups at similar times. We (finally) got married in the same year and both had a son a year or so later. I love her for being a more artistic and spiritual (yet also angrier, in sometimes kind of a scary way) version of myself — if I had started out as a Nickelodeon actress, former Canadian child star who later became an opening act for Vanilla Ice. (Details, details…)
    • Chelsea Clinton in PhiladelphiaChelsea Clinton: She’s smart, she’s composed, she’s classy, and she’s going to change the world. If her mom’s not going to be the first female president, I have hopes for her.  And she’s the only one of my celebrity/semi-celebrity girl crushes that I actually met IRL. (At a mutual friend’s engagement party in Cambridge, where I stepped on her little dog’s urine in the host’s bathroom. She was mortified. I was delighted… and loved her even more for her embarrassment.)

    Now for Rachel… Her book had me at its clever, bright, and bold cover. (Seriously, isn’t it genius and gorgeous?) When I started reading the book, I realized that she was a writer who can accomplish the most difficult balance of writerly tasks: winning over her reader with a combination of warmth, humor, honesty, empathy, poignancy, and charm. And she makes it — all the writing craft and attention to detail that goes into this level of writing — look so easy. You get to feel like you actually know — and, more importantly, like her — through this book.

    If you don’t take my word for it, check out HerStories Project contributor, Nina Badzin’s review of the book, as well as her own story of looking for BFFs. (When I first started blogging, Nina easily could have become one of my girl crushes because of her stellar blog and insightful knowledge about blogging, her clever book reviews, and her generous ability to connect with and help others…. Then we became online friends and now she’s more like my favorite blogging mentor.)

    Then I saw the book’s trailer, starring a funny (maybe even a little goofy?) Rachel. And I was sold. We could definitely be BFFs. Or maybe I could be an older sister-type sidekick.

    This was when The HerStories Project blog had just launched. I e-mailed Rachel about our project. We kept in touch. (A little bit, sort of. Okay, maybe I e-mailed her several times, and, yes, okay, she still probably has no idea who I am.)

    So I was thrilled last week when Rachel agreed to answer a few questions about the topic of our next project: friendship breakups, as well as her next book. (The title of our next book: “My Other Ex: Women’s Stories of Friendship Burnouts, Betrayals, and Breakups.” Rachel even e-mailed that she loved the title!)

    Rachel’s next book is called Jennifer, Gwyneth & Me: The Pursuit of Happiness, One Celebrity at a Time and will be released June 3, 2014. This one’s about Rachel’s attempts to remake herself in the image of her favorite celebrities.

    Jessica: You wrote in your most popular blog post about friendship breakups that you think that “dumping a friend is undoubtedly harder than dumping a boyfriend.” Why do you think this is so?
    Rachel: Romantic relationships come with the understanding that it might (probably will?) end at some point. Breakups are part of the romance story. You can only date one person at a time, after all. Friendships, on the other hand, aren’t supposed to end. You can have a zillion friends at once, and no one will accuse you of cheating. That’s great, but it makes it much trickier to end the relationship if it’s not working. You can’t say “I’m seeing someone else” or “I don’t think you’re the one for me,” because there is no “one.” To end a friendship, you really have to be willing to say that, for whatever reason, there is no room in your life for that person. That you would be better off without them, which is a really hard thing to say out loud. And it’s emotional! We feel a sense of loyalty to our close friends, so to cut out the relationship–even when it is for the best–is fraught with anxiety, guilt, sadness, fear… There’s a study that says we feel more guilt when breaking up with a friend than a romantic partner (and keep in mind there is no script for friend-breakups like there is for a romantic one), and that doesn’t surprise me at all. That’s likely why most people choose the “slink away” method of just slowing not returning phone calls, canceling plans, etc rather than having an upfront conversation about why the friendship isn’t working out.
    Jessica: You also said that you haven’t had any BFF breakups in your past. Why is that? What stops you?
    Rachel: Hmmm…. while it’s true that a number of my closest friends from my youth are still my closest friends, it’s also the case that some are not. I’m not in touch with my best friend from elementary in middle school anymore, for example (unless you count Facebook friendship). But I guess I don’t count that as a friendship “breakup” because it was more of a slow fade on both sides. We ended up going to different high schools and both just moved on. There was no big emotional blow up and no conscious decision to stop being friends. So I would say there’s a different between that and a friend-breakup, the kind that brings up floods of emotion and was very obviously and deliberately (at least from one side) a breakup. I don’t know why… Luck? Just this weekend I was talking with a woman about a friend she broke up with, because that friend didn’t reach out at all when the woman went through a bad health scare. Maybe I’m just lucky to have BFFs who continue to be there for me (and I them, I hope). Or maybe I’m just super non-confrontational and the idea of breaking up with a friend terrifies me. In the past, when I’ve wanted to separate myself from someone, I usually take some space–maybe talk on the phone less, for example–and I eventually move on and want that person still in my life. On the flip side, if I get the sense that I’ve done something to upset a friend, I am not too proud to ask what’s up and to apologize. My friends are so important to me, I do what I can to keep them around. But again, I think I’ve been lucky. (This probably all means that there’s a horribly emotional BFF breakup in my future…)
    Jessica: Have you ever been dumped by a friend? 
    Rachel: The summer before eighth grade a very close friend of mine from middle school wrote me a letter at camp in which she basically told me she couldn’t stand me, didn’t want to be friends with me anymore, and that no one else did either. I cried for days. I mean, I was a legit wreck. Luckily, the whole “no one else wants to be friends with you either” part wasn’t totally accurate. But I can still recall the devastation and fear of returning to school. I called my parents and asked them if I could switch schools! I can still recite some of that letter, that’s how many times I read it over, completely distraught. She and I were never really friends again, but I survived and was probably better off for it. Still, it was nearly 20 years ago and I’m talking about it like it was yesterday, so maybe I’m not totally over it after all…
    Jessica: In planning your new project, what did you think you would learn by emulating your favorite celebrities?

    Rachel: How to be perfect! And happy! And glamorous! I’m kidding, but not really. I was at a place in my life where everything felt scattered, and messy, and not exactly what I wanted it to be. I was in a seemingly great place — had the career I’d always hoped for — but I still felt totally not together. Every time I flipped through Us Weekly and saw pictures of Jennifer Aniston or Gwyneth Paltrow or Sarah Jessica Parker looking so cool and confident while shopping at Whole Foods or brunching with a friend, I’d get pangs of “why can’t I be like that? What are they doing right?” So I set out to find out. I hoped that by using them as my role models, I might be able to get my own life to a place where I felt as ‘conquer-the-world’ as they seemed to.

    Thank you, Rachel!

    We’re thrilled to give away a copy of MWF Seeking BFF! We’re sure that it will resonate with you, whether you’re looking for a BFF or not.

    To enter the giveaway, either subscribe to The HerStories Project below or take our quick and easy friendship breakup survey. We’ll choose a winner randomly from the e-mail addresses.

    Do you have a “girl crush”? Have you ever been in search of a BFF?

     

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