January 2014 - The HerStories Project

Month: January 2014

The HerStories Project: More Than Just a Book About Friendship

We’re honored to introduce a guest post one of our HerStories contributors, Julie Burton of Unscripted Mom!

Julie and her lifelong friends, Dina and Laura

The Community Established

It has been over a month since the release of Jessica Smock and Stephanie Sprenger’s book The Her Stories Project. The most striking aspect of being a part of this project is how Jessica and Stephanie not only skillfully compiled and published the book but that they worked/and continue working to create a strong, supportive community amongst the 50 contributors. It truly has been an honor to be a part of this amazing community of women writers. Although I have been a writer for most of my adult life, I was a bit late to the mommy blogging party that began several years ago, and really took off when blogs like Scary Mommy went viral. My blog will celebrate its first birthday in March.

I always found my writing career to be somewhat lonely. Until recently, I didn’t have any writer friends to speak of. Also, I am a gen-X-er and not a gen-Y-er, so I also didn’t fully “get” how to use social media to connect with like-minded writers. But then, last year, local writer and fellow contributor Nina Badzin appeared in my life (which is a friendship story in its own right), and she taught me “blogging and tweeting 101” (she really should offer an on-line course). She also introduced me to Jessica, Stephanie, and many other great writers and witty, engaging and inspiring mom bloggers. I am extremely grateful for the strength and connectedness I have found in this community, and how Jessica and Stephanie made sure that as they wove the essays together in their book, they also linked together the women behind the words.

Essential Lessons Learned

As I mother my four children and help guide them through the ups and downs of their friendships, I am continually reminded of how important friendships are, and how even at my age, some friendships can still be tricky to navigate. The essays in The Her Stories Project explore the beauty and the pain of friendship, as well as all the gray areas in between.

It has made me take a closer look at my friendships, both past and present—the ones that lasted a lifetime, the ones that fizzled out over time and the few that ended abruptly leaving a bad taste in both of our mouths, and an unsettledness in our hearts.

“Reason. Season. Lifetime,” my friend simply stated when I began talking to him about friendships.

“What do you mean?” I asked. He explained that there are three different kinds of friends:
- Reason—these are friends you bond with for a reason—you work out with them, you attend a study group with them, you serve on a committee with them. They serve a purpose and a fulfill a current need for companionship in your life.
- Season—these friendships often happen as a result of something that brings you together and keeps you together for, on average, five to seven years—your kids go to school together, you are in the same book club, you are neighbors or you work together. Oftentimes, these friendships fizzle out when the season that brought you together ends—your kids attend different high schools, you change jobs or move.
- Lifetime–The third kind of friendship, which you are truly lucky if you have even one, is, of course, the lifetime friend. Your relationship has stood the test of time. She knew you when, she knows you now and she still loves you, and you feel the same way about her. These friendships are the most sturdy and reliable friendships. (I truly don’t know where I would be without my lifetime friends.)
Women need all three of these types of friendships, and they are each meaningful and fulfilling in different ways. And certainly a “reason” or “season” friendship can evolve into a long-standing friendship. When I step back to look at women and friendships in general, I notice that many women shy away from talking about friendships that are more challenging (which is why Jessica and Stephanie’s book is so important).

Women often think their friendships should be easy and natural, but when they are not, many women feel a certain amount of shame and they just want to move on. Dr. Irene S. Levine takes a close look at women’s friendships in her 2010 article in the Huffington Post:

“Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don’t last forever. In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, a phenomenon occurs that is somewhat akin to the seven-year itch: Half of our close friendships turn over every seven years. Women are reluctant to talk about their friendship problems, which turn out to be quite common: losing friends, having unfulfilling friendships, or having no friends at all. Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure–relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets–our closest friendships tend to be imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings—resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.”

For me, I know that I have been an amazing friend and I have been a shitty friend (not intentionally). I have been a devoted friend and a “checked-out” friend. I have hurt friends and been hurt by friends. But from each friendship, I have learned and grown, and I hope my friends feel the same way.

For mothers, our friendships are essential. They don’t have to be the Cosmo drinking, lunching or hitting the town several nights a week, Carrie Bradshaw and her girl gang types of friendships. However, an integral part of being a healthy woman and mother (which I cover in complete detail in my upcoming book on motherhood and self-care) is to be mindful and thoughtful about friendships. Mothers are exploring the unknown, sometimes terrifying territory of raising kids, while often managing a career and relationship with their partner (or ex-partner). When moms need assurance, acceptance, clarity, validation, support, guidance, love and trust, we often turn to our friends before anyone else (including our partners).

So, in the spirit of friendship, give this a try (or even a thought): On a regular basis, make a point to reach out to a new friend, an old friend, or maybe even an estranged friend, and say or do something that could literally make her day. It could be as simple as a phone call to say, “Hi, I am thinking about you.” Without having any expectations, notice what transpires, within yourself and within your friendships.

Have you had a friendship that ended, either gradually or suddenly? Either by your choice or your friend’s? Please take our friendship breakup survey… You could win a $25 gift certificate to Amazon!

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BFFs, Girl Crushes, and a Giveaway: My Interview with Rachel Bertsche

Do you have a girl crush?

I’m going to introduce you to one of mine, Rachel Bertsche, who wrote the national bestseller, MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend. And read on to the end of this post to find out how you could win a copy of the book! It’s the story of her year-long quest (through a series of 52 friend-dates, one per week) to find a new BFF after she moves to Chicago to be with her boyfriend (now husband).

First, here’s the Urban Dictionary definition of a girl crush:

a) feelings of admiration and adoration which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl b) a nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level

And here is a small sample of my previous girl crushes:
- Alanis Morissette: She and I were born exactly two months apart, in the same year. I like to think of us as potential (inevitable?) spiritual friend/soulmates. We went through tragic breakups at similar times. We (finally) got married in the same year and both had a son a year or so later. I love her for being a more artistic and spiritual (yet also angrier, in sometimes kind of a scary way) version of myself — if I had started out as a Nickelodeon actress, former Canadian child star who later became an opening act for Vanilla Ice. (Details, details…)
- Chelsea Clinton: She’s smart, she’s composed, she’s classy, and she’s going to change the world. If her mom’s not going to be the first female president, I have hopes for her. And she’s the only one of my celebrity/semi-celebrity girl crushes that I actually met IRL. (At a mutual friend’s engagement party in Cambridge, where I stepped on her little dog’s urine in the host’s bathroom. She was mortified. I was delighted… and loved her even more for her embarrassment.)
Now for Rachel… Her book had me at its clever, bright, and bold cover. (Seriously, isn’t it genius and gorgeous?) When I started reading the book, I realized that she was a writer who can accomplish the most difficult balance of writerly tasks: winning over her reader with a combination of warmth, humor, honesty, empathy, poignancy, and charm. And she makes it — all the writing craft and attention to detail that goes into this level of writing — look so easy. You get to feel like you actually know — and, more importantly, like her — through this book.

If you don’t take my word for it, check out HerStories Project contributor, Nina Badzin’s review of the book, as well as her own story of looking for BFFs. (When I first started blogging, Nina easily could have become one of my girl crushes because of her stellar blog and insightful knowledge about blogging, her clever book reviews, and her generous ability to connect with and help others…. Then we became online friends and now she’s more like my favorite blogging mentor.)

Then I saw the book’s trailer, starring a funny (maybe even a little goofy?) Rachel. And I was sold. We could definitely be BFFs. Or maybe I could be an older sister-type sidekick.

This was when The HerStories Project blog had just launched. I e-mailed Rachel about our project. We kept in touch. (A little bit, sort of. Okay, maybe I e-mailed her several times, and, yes, okay, she still probably has no idea who I am.)

So I was thrilled last week when Rachel agreed to answer a few questions about the topic of our next project: friendship breakups, as well as her next book. (The title of our next book: “My Other Ex: Women’s Stories of Friendship Burnouts, Betrayals, and Breakups.” Rachel even e-mailed that she loved the title!)

Rachel’s next book is called Jennifer, Gwyneth & Me: The Pursuit of Happiness, One Celebrity at a Time and will be released June 3, 2014. This one’s about Rachel’s attempts to remake herself in the image of her favorite celebrities.

Jessica: You wrote in your most popular blog post about friendship breakups that you think that “dumping a friend is undoubtedly harder than dumping a boyfriend.” Why do you think this is so?

Rachel: Romantic relationships come with the understanding that it might (probably will?) end at some point. Breakups are part of the romance story. You can only date one person at a time, after all. Friendships, on the other hand, aren’t supposed to end. You can have a zillion friends at once, and no one will accuse you of cheating. That’s great, but it makes it much trickier to end the relationship if it’s not working. You can’t say “I’m seeing someone else” or “I don’t think you’re the one for me,” because there is no “one.” To end a friendship, you really have to be willing to say that, for whatever reason, there is no room in your life for that person. That you would be better off without them, which is a really hard thing to say out loud. And it’s emotional! We feel a sense of loyalty to our close friends, so to cut out the relationship–even when it is for the best–is fraught with anxiety, guilt, sadness, fear… There’s a study that says we feel more guilt when breaking up with a friend than a romantic partner (and keep in mind there is no script for friend-breakups like there is for a romantic one), and that doesn’t surprise me at all. That’s likely why most people choose the “slink away” method of just slowing not returning phone calls, canceling plans, etc rather than having an upfront conversation about why the friendship isn’t working out.

Jessica: You also said that you haven’t had any BFF breakups in your past. Why is that? What stops you?

Rachel: Hmmm…. while it’s true that a number of my closest friends from my youth are still my closest friends, it’s also the case that some are not. I’m not in touch with my best friend from elementary in middle school anymore, for example (unless you count Facebook friendship). But I guess I don’t count that as a friendship “breakup” because it was more of a slow fade on both sides. We ended up going to different high schools and both just moved on. There was no big emotional blow up and no conscious decision to stop being friends. So I would say there’s a different between that and a friend-breakup, the kind that brings up floods of emotion and was very obviously and deliberately (at least from one side) a breakup. I don’t know why… Luck? Just this weekend I was talking with a woman about a friend she broke up with, because that friend didn’t reach out at all when the woman went through a bad health scare. Maybe I’m just lucky to have BFFs who continue to be there for me (and I them, I hope). Or maybe I’m just super non-confrontational and the idea of breaking up with a friend terrifies me. In the past, when I’ve wanted to separate myself from someone, I usually take some space–maybe talk on the phone less, for example–and I eventually move on and want that person still in my life. On the flip side, if I get the sense that I’ve done something to upset a friend, I am not too proud to ask what’s up and to apologize. My friends are so important to me, I do what I can to keep them around. But again, I think I’ve been lucky. (This probably all means that there’s a horribly emotional BFF breakup in my future…)

Jessica: Have you ever been dumped by a friend?

Rachel: The summer before eighth grade a very close friend of mine from middle school wrote me a letter at camp in which she basically told me she couldn’t stand me, didn’t want to be friends with me anymore, and that no one else did either. I cried for days. I mean, I was a legit wreck. Luckily, the whole “no one else wants to be friends with you either” part wasn’t totally accurate. But I can still recall the devastation and fear of returning to school. I called my parents and asked them if I could switch schools! I can still recite some of that letter, that’s how many times I read it over, completely distraught. She and I were never really friends again, but I survived and was probably better off for it. Still, it was nearly 20 years ago and I’m talking about it like it was yesterday, so maybe I’m not totally over it after all…

Jessica: In planning your new project, what did you think you would learn by emulating your favorite celebrities?

Rachel: How to be perfect! And happy! And glamorous! I’m kidding, but not really. I was at a place in my life where everything felt scattered, and messy, and not exactly what I wanted it to be. I was in a seemingly great place — had the career I’d always hoped for — but I still felt totally not together. Every time I flipped through Us Weekly and saw pictures of Jennifer Aniston or Gwyneth Paltrow or Sarah Jessica Parker looking so cool and confident while shopping at Whole Foods or brunching with a friend, I’d get pangs of “why can’t I be like that? What are they doing right?” So I set out to find out. I hoped that by using them as my role models, I might be able to get my own life to a place where I felt as ‘conquer-the-world’ as they seemed to.

Thank you, Rachel!

We’re thrilled to give away a copy of MWF Seeking BFF! We’re sure that it will resonate with you, whether you’re looking for a BFF or not.

To enter the giveaway, either subscribe to The HerStories Project below or take our quick and easy friendship breakup survey. We’ll choose a winner randomly from the e-mail addresses.

Do you have a “girl crush”? Have you ever been in search of a BFF?

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A New Year, A New Project: Our Call For Submissions

Have you ever lost a friend? Was that loss in some ways more painful than the end of a love affair?

In our first collection of stories of friendship by female writers, The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power, we included a section on friendship loss. The response to that part of the book has fascinated us. Stephanie and I found that we couldn’t stop thinking about this aspect of friendship: Why is it so painful for a friendship to end and why is it so hard for women to talk about?

Again and again, other women — friends, readers, relatives, acquaintances — have told us stories of their own friendship breakups and dissolutions. In their stories, we’ve heard their pain, their shame, their confusion, and their continued sense of deep loss.

Now we’re wondering if you can help us out with our next project: We want to hear your stories of friendships from any time in your life that have ended — from friends who left you or others that you left. The friendship that ended suddenly or the one that faded gradually.

We are happy to announce our call for submissions for our next anthology. This collection — tentatively titled, “My Other Ex: Women’s Stories of Friendship Burnouts, Betrayals, and Breakups”— will include essays about a friendship that has ended. Maybe there was a reconciliation later in time, maybe there wasn’t. Maybe the ending of that bond brought enormous pain or maybe its conclusion brought great relief.

You can also help us out by completing our survey or participating in the project in other ways, such as a private Facebook group or e-mail interviews.

Click below to submit a story to us by February 24, 2014 about a friendship that ended. Submissions should be previously unpublished and between 1000 and 4000 words. (If you have a previously published piece that you would like to rework, feel free to ask us about it too.) Please include a brief biography and your contact information (e-mail, blog address, social media links). E-mail us at info@herstoriesproject.com with any questions! We’re so excited to start this project with all of you!

Submit to The HerStories Project

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College Friends, Forever Friends

My college friends will always hold a special place in my heart. There’s something about growing up together — the metamorphosis from a freshman dropped off in the family car to a “real” adult worried about careers, apartment rents, and car payments — that bonds us so completely to our college tribe. Our HerStories Project book contributor Samantha Brinn Merel captures this unique bond in this guest post. – Jessica

“Thirty-one doesn’t need a lot of fanfare. It just wants dinner in Manhattan, an amazing dessert, a fun drink or two, and my very best friends all sitting around the same table. It is realizing for what feels like the millionth time that these people I call friends are really my family, and that this path I walk would be impassable without them.”

Samantha’s birthday dinner with her best college friends

I wrote these words last Friday on my thirty-first birthday. Sitting around the table the next night for the aforementioned Manhattan dinner, looking into the faces of my very best friends – my college friends – it hit me how true they really are. And it hit me that this coming May an anniversary is on the horizon. Nine years since our graduation from Brandeis University, our safe haven in the tiny town of Waltham, Massachusetts, nine miles outside of Boston.

In the world of higher education, where reunions are routinely marked every five years, nine is not a particularly momentous number. Almost four years since our fifth reunion. A little more than one year until our tenth. But something about this nine year mark struck me. Maybe because there have been so many changes, both good and bad, since we gathered on campus almost four years ago for our fifth reunion. Or maybe because nine years seem to have passed both slowly and so very, very quickly. Or most likely because, looking around that table into the faces of the women who are like sisters to me, I was struck again by the fact that a mere twist of fate sent me to Brandeis, and to them. And in that moment, I was just so damn grateful for them, and for us, and for the miracle that brought us to each other.

On the way home from dinner that night, I found myself on my phone, flipping through pictures of our graduation day. And suddenly, I was not in a car driving up the West Side Highway towards home, but back at Brandeis in May of 2005. Lining up to march on a gloomy Sunday morning amid a sea of black caps and gowns. Hoods no one could quite figure out how to attach. A speaker we were too preoccupied to hear. A shower of blue and white balloons. Cameras snapping. Laughs. Smiles. Tears. Excitement over what was to come. Wishing badly for just one more year – or two, or four – in the warm embrace of the campus that had become our home.

We met as Freshman. Wide-eyed and new. We were finally there. College. A land filled with unknown places and faces, just waiting to be discovered. And in all that vast and unknown territory, we met each other. Together we twirled and navigated our way through those crazy beautiful college days. We learned, and loved, and grew. We laughed until our sides hurt, and we cried ourselves dry. We accomplished and we stumbled in equal measure. We had fun. Huge sunbursts of fun.

We lived together and studied together. Drank vast amounts of coffee and ate late night junk food together. We analyzed everything in that beautifully complex way that only college girls can. We learned about each other and about ourselves. And we planned for the great unknown future. And hoped that we would still be together.

Those pictures took me back. And when I looked back I saw us then. Gathering in a freshman common room on that first, terrifying night. Piling into booths in Sherman Dining Hall. Trudging up the Rabb Steps in blinding snow and unbearable heat. Navigating move-in days and frantic housing lottery weeks. Filling Ziv common rooms on Friday nights. Going back to our freshman quad during senior week; walking the halls where our journey began. Staring at those falling balloons on graduation day with a mixture of awe and dread. Coming back to campus five years later for three incredible days to relive it all.

And sitting around that table celebrating my thirty-first birthday I looked at us now. At all we have accomplished. At our good lives. And I feel so incredibly lucky. Lucky to have had the four years that preceded graduation day; the years that made an indelible mark on who I was and the person I have become. To have the friendships forged during those years. To know that I always will. To have stood for these women at their weddings, and them for mine. To have cuddled their babies and watched them grow. To have celebrated new apartments and new jobs. New houses and new homes. To have laughed together and dried each other’s tears. To have been silly and serious and everything in between.

And I wondered. I wonder what we will think when we look back on today, many years from now. I hope we’ll feel the same way. Nostalgic for the past. Happy about the now. Excited for all that still lies ahead. Lucky to still have each other.

As the car turned into our driveway I made a silent toast, the last of my birthday weekend. To the girls we were then. To the women we are now. And to the path we still walk.

Together.

Do you still keep in touch with your college friends? How often do you see them? Is your bond still there?

Samantha is a lawyer, runner, writer and pop-culture junkie living in the suburbs of New York City. Samantha writes at her blog, This Heart of Mine, and was a contributor to our book, The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendship.

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A New Year’s Update: New Friends and New Beginnings

2013 was quite a year for Stephanie and me: we both had new blogs of our own, we met, we started the HerStories blog, we compiled a book of essays, we published it, and we continue to be thrilled by the extraordinary relationships and connections that we’ve made through this project.

During the past few weeks, we’ve been honored to receive kind words about our project from several of our writing “idols.” For instance, Kate Hopper, the memoirist and writing instructor whose book Use Your Words: A Writing Guide for Mothers has become a trusted guide for many mom writers (including us!), read our book and left us with a beautiful review. Rachel Macy Stafford, who writes the extraordinary blog Hands Free Mama, took time from getting ready for the release of her new book, Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters!, to tell us how she moved she was by our contributors’ stories.

And today Jill Smokler of Scary Mommy is featuring our guest post on her blog. We wrote a guest post about making online friendships. We were so honored that Jill agreed to write the foreword to the book, and she continues to be an amazing supporter of this project.

In some ways, it’s not surprising that a book about the power of female friendship has led to…. more female friendships and new bonds between new and experienced writers.

But for Stephanie and me, this has been one of the most gratifying parts of this project: seeing new relationships develop among our contributors as well as making new connections of our own within several writing communities.

We can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store for The HerStories Project! (Hint: This month we’ll be announcing the topic and details of our next project…. Stay tuned for details!!)

Are friendships and relationships a part of your goals and hopes for the New Year? We’d love to hear about them!

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Month: January 2014

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