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  • A New Year’s Update: New Friends and New Beginnings

    2013 was quite a year for Stephanie and me: we both had new blogs of our own, we met, we started the HerStories blog, we compiled a book of essays, we published it, and we continue to be thrilled by the extraordinary relationships and connections that we’ve made through this project.

    During the past few weeks, we’ve been honored to receive kind words about our project from several of our writing “idols.” For instance, Kate Hopper, the memoirist and writing instructor whose book Use Your Words: A Writing Guide for Mothers has become a trusted guide for many mom writers (including us!), read our book and left us with a beautiful review. Rachel Macy Stafford, who writes the extraordinary blog Hands Free Mama, took time from getting ready for the release of her new book, Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters!, to tell us how she moved she was by our contributors’ stories.

    And today Jill Smokler of Scary Mommy is featuring our guest post on her blog. We wrote a guest post about making online friendships. We were so honored that Jill agreed to write the foreword to the book, and she continues to be an amazing supporter of this project.

    In some ways, it’s not surprising that a book about the power of female friendship has led to…. more female friendships and new bonds between new and experienced writers.

    But for Stephanie and me, this has been one of the most gratifying parts of this project: seeing new relationships develop among our contributors as well as making new connections of our own within several writing communities.

    We can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store for The HerStories Project! (Hint: This month we’ll be announcing the topic and details of our next project…. Stay tuned for details!!)

    Are friendships and relationships a part of your goals and hopes for the New Year? We’d love to hear about them!

     

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  • Books We Recommend for Every Friend on Your List (At Any Time of the Year)

    herstoriesxmasbooksNeed a last minute gift for a friend, sister, your mom, or a co-worker?

    Books are always my favorite gifts to give. I love trying to choose a book based on someone’s personality, interests, and book genre preferences. And I love receiving books too! To me, nothing says that someone knows me and understands me better than choosing a book that engrosses me and touches me.

    Over the past year I’ve gotten to know several books about friendship. Some are inspiring and motivating, others are beautifully written examples of memoir, and some are informative and practical.

    Here are a few to check out to give to your all of your friends, from your BFF to your co-worker.

    For your friend who loves literary memoirs…..

    She Matters: A Life in Friendships by Susanna Sonnenburg.  The book that started it all for Stephanie and me. This is the memoir of friendship stories that first inspired our reflections on our own relationships and then our HerStories blog.  According to Publisher’s Weekly, “Sonnenberg’s strikingly honest depictions of tumultuous female alliances and confessions about friendships are both moving and relatable; her depth of reflection and incandescent prose marks this exceptional memoir as a must-read to share among friends.” We were hooked from the first of these linked essays.

    For a friend who loves to read fascinating and surprising research

    Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are by Carla Flora, one of our own HerStories Project contributors.  An examination of friendship based on research evidence and women’s own stories by a journalist and former Psychology Today editor.

    For a friend who’s looking to understand how to make more friends

    Friendships Don’t Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends by another contributor, Shasta Nelson.  A guide for how to create friendships in today’s busy world by the CEO of GriendFriendCircles.Com.

    For the friend who likes funny writers

    Friendkeeping: A Field Guide to the People You Love, Hate, and Can’t Live Without by Julie Klam. Klam is a very witty writer. She tackles the topic of adult friendship with humorous vignettes. The book is light-hearted but also wise and poignant.

    For the friend who is going through a “friendship breakup“

    Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend by “The Friendship Doctor” Irene Levine. In her book (and her blog), Dr. Levine talks about why friendships fall apart, how to cope with getting dumped by a friend, how to end an irreparable friendship, and how to move forward after a traumatic friendship split. She pinpoints many of the various reasons that  friendships can disintegrate and also helps shed light on when it is worthwhile to mend the relationship, or better to cut your losses and move on.

    And finally, for all the women on your list (your friends, your mom, your sisters), don’t forget about our book, The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendship. Our book is a collection of friendship essays by 50 female writers who reflect upon how a friendship has shaped the trajectory of their lives. We think women of all ages could relate to the power of these bonds and to these stories.

    Which books have you given friends for the holidays, birthdays, special occasions, or just because?

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  • How To Be a Good Mom Friend During the Holidays

    holidayfriends

    The holidays are magical. The lights, the songs, the trees, the joy on children’s faces. All priceless.

    That holiday magic comes with a price, of course. Every parent knows that. Someone has to decorate those trees, bake those perfectly decorated gingerbread cookies, pick up the in-laws from the airport, mail those letters to Santa, shop for those presents, wrap them lovingly, and attend all those holiday fairs and plays.

    The holidays can quickly become its own type of stress, with overwhelming commitments and anxiety. With so much to do and think about, it’s easy to put our friends — our confidantes, our supporters, our sources of advice — at the end of our holiday to-do lists.

    It’s also tempting for the holidays to become more like a competitive sport with Pinterest and toy catalogues as the rule books. (I admit to feeling lazy, jealous, and inadequate occasionally when I see Facebook friends’ pictures of holiday perfection.)

    We think that all of this — friendship neglect as well as holiday envy and competition between friends — are big mistakes.

    Here are 5 tips for how to get through the holidays, while also honoring and strengthening your friendships. We asked our HerStories Project book contributors — all friendship experts in their own right! — for their advice.

    1. DO cut your friends a bit of slack during the holidays. Contributor Nina Badzin says this could be as simple as refusing to read into perceived slights. Nina’s advice: “If a friend doesn’t respond to a text, think ‘she’s super busy’ instead of ‘she’s ignoring me.'”

    Similarly, contributor Jessica Vealtizek describes how she and her friends “don’t keep score” about who owes whom a phone call or a text….”As in, who cares who called whom last, or who owes who a call, etc. If you’re friends, it doesn’t matter,” Jessica said.

    Vicky Willenberg has started doing something similar with her friends. “I am consciously making an effort to have extra grace as my friends and I are all really busy this time of year so we can’t make plans and check in as easily,” she said. “Second, I am making a huge effort to text 1-3 friends each day just to say hi, have a great day, acknowledge something specific I know they have going on or just to say something I love about them.”

    2. DO find a small gift that reflects your feelings and knowledge about your friend. 

    Contributor Alexa Bigwarfe sends her best friend, who lives in France, a small gift that reminds her of her friend. Galit Breen wrote a terrific article this week about small acts of kindness for your friends. Galit suggests giving your girlfriend her favorite treats or bringing a container of a wonderful meal that you’ve made to your friend at her house or work.

    Contributor Alexandra Rosas shares one small way that she shows her best friend that she cares: “I know that my BFF IRL loves McCafe French Vanilla Lates, so every Sunday morning on the way to church, I pick one up for her. She counts on it and it always thrills her to just roll out of bed and have a home coffee delivery Sunday mornings.”

    And I love this idea from Galit: Give your friend a photo. Galit writes, “Moms are rarely in pictures. You can fix that problem for your girlfriend! Snap a photo of her in action with her children or husband and send it to her. You can even edit the photo, but a text photo in the raw is perfection!”

    3. DO give and accept help. 

    At some point or another, many of us get overwhelmed during the holidays. An important work assignment, sick kids, a serious illness in the family… All of these can push this time of the year and its obligations and traditions from busy and meaningful to stressful and difficult. Take friends up on their offers of help can strengthen your friendships, as well as lighten the load.

    “Accepting an offer of help can sometimes make you feel vulnerable, but that’s okay and even important with friends,” according to contributor Shannan Ball Younger. “One time I announced to a friend that I had finished a project that she had offered to help me with. I thought she’d be relieved that I had done it myself and instead, she was disappointed. I’ll never forget that she said, ‘I really would have loved to have been of help to you.’ I missed a golden friendship opportunity that would have benefited both of us.”

    4. DON’T plan events that cause additional stress to your friends.

    Getting together with your friends can be a terrific way to take a break from family holiday chores. But don’t make these events another reason to spend a lot of time and money. Focus instead on getting together and catching up.

    Contributor Allison Carter has a few suggestions: “Have a party where it is expressly forbidden to bring anything that ISN’T store bought – prepared food and things in bottles. Also, a few of my girlfriends and I get together at the mall on weekday evening, do Christmas shopping together (we each come with our lists!) then treat ourselves to drinks and a late dinner out afterwards. My gals and I don’t demand appearance at every single party – we allow each other to say NO, then we spend time emailing or talking on the phone, laughing about the stress.”

    5. DO give our book to your friends! We think that our HerStories Project book is the perfect gift to share with friends. It’s a great conversation starter for discussing and thinking about your own friendship. Talk about which of the stories and the women are most relevant to your relationships.

    What are some ways that you show your friends that you care during the holidays?

    Don’t forget to come to our Twitter party tonight, Tues., Dec. 10 from 9 to 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Follow us at @herstoriestales and use the hashtag #herstoriestales. You could win a copy of our newly released book: The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendship!

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  • Launch Day Is Here!

    We are thrilled to announce that Launch Day has finally arrived! Our paperback is now available on Amazon, and you can download our Kindle book for free for the next three days.

    To share a bit more of our journey with you– from the beginning of our friendship blog series to our book launch today– Stephanie has written a little song for you all.

    May we present– “The 12 Days of HerStories”– performed by Stephanie:

     

    So check out these powerful essays from some of the blogging world’s most engaging voices and discover new writers. Read about how friendships have shaped their lives, and we hope you connect to their stories.

    We can’t wait to hear what you think of this collection. Leave us a message here on the blog, write a review on Amazon or GoodReads, or contact our contributors.

    Is there a favorite story that spoke most strongly to you? Did you find yourself thinking about your own lifetime of friendships in a new way?

     

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  • “The Girls From Ames” Gave Me a Complex

    We have another brand new friendship essay from one of our amazing contributors, Shannan Ball Younger, who writes for Tween Us. Shannan shares her feelings about her own friendship history after reading Jeffrey Zaslow’s book about a group of women who have been friends since childhood. Did you read The Girls from Ames?

    Am I The Only Grown Woman in America Without a Close Friend From Childhood?

    While I found the book The Girls from Ames to be a good read, it gave me a complex, or at least significantly exacerbated one that I already had. It is the non-fiction account of 9 women who have been friends for decades who all grew up together in Ames, Iowa. They have remained close despite different life paths and geographical distance.

    And as I read it, I kept thinking, “What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I have those kinds of life-long friends?”

     

    Red book.I went away to college and graduate school and then moved even farther from where I grew up. I feel very, very fortunate to have a number of amazing girl friends, but I would not say that any of my close friends are the ones with whom I grew up.

    When I think about female friendships, I often feel like I have failed or that something is wrong with me because I am not friends with my best friend from kindergarten.

    Not that I don’t think of my kindergarten best friend on occasion. I remember the day we met and thinking that I should become friends with her because she was very fair taking turns on the slide at recess. We stayed friends through elementary school and even through middle school, which included a New Kids on the Block lip syncing contest that was broadcast on cable access.

    I feel like this is the beginning to all the great friendship stories, but mine comes to an end in high school. She became a goth as I became a band geek. I realize that it sounds like an episode of Glee; it pretty much was. I remember being in high school English class with her and trying to strike up a conversation as we neared graduation, but there just wasn’t a connection. We haven’t spoken since.

    Even those who were close friends in high school are ones from whom I’ve grown apart. While I certainly enjoy being Facebook friends and the occasional dinner when visiting my home state, they are among those with whom I confide, overshare or ask advice.

    I do have those friends, and I am crazy grateful for them, its just that I met them later in life.

    Why does that make me feel so odd? I wondered if my perception that I’m on of the few without a childhood friend to whom I’ve remained close for decades.

    This is not the first time that my perception is not, in fact, accurate.

    Jeffrey Zaslow, author of The Girls from Ames, wrote in a Wall Street Journal article that “a Harris Interactive Inc. survey in 2004 found that 39% of women between ages 25 and 55 said they met their current best friends in childhood or high school.”

    That means 61% of us do not have that life-long bond with a friend. That’s a pretty solid majority. I am not the friendship leper I feared I was. It’s more that a book about friends of a few years is apparently not quite as exciting to publishers as a friendship story spanning many decades like that of the Ames girls.

    I probably should have realized that I needed to get over my complex before reading that statistic, but honestly, it helped knowing that it’s not just me. I’m certain there are numerous reasons that I do not have those sustained childhood friendships, and those will take more than a blog to explore.

    Instead of wondering what was/is wrong with me, and there is a fair amount wrong with me, I’m going to focus on the close friends I have who remain in my life despite my flaws.

    That’s not to say that there isn’t great benefit and comfort in old friends, but I think I can say that I know that first hand. I find that one aspect of birthdays that I love now that I’m old not young is that it makes my college friends feel like “old” friends. We’re coming up on two decades of friendship and that’s pretty solid, in my opinion. The friendships with those girls are well aged, if you will.

    All this has called to mind the Girl Scout song “Make New Friends and Keep the Old.” (You hear it in your head now, don’t you?)

    A friend from college sent out an invitation not long ago to a cocktail party with the explanation that she knew a lot of “awesome women” (her word choice) and that she thought it was high time that we meet each other. There was no specific pressure to become friends, but we did. I loved the idea of friendships begetting more friendships.

    In the past year I’ve made new girlfriends with whom I’ve instantly clicked. They feel like old friends. I’m as comfortable with them as I am with my favorite, broken in sweatshirt. And for that I am grateful.

    Friendship cannot always be measured by a calendar. I’m wondering if it should be measured at all, or only in the quality and not quantity of smiles shared, ears bended, tissues passed, shoulders offered, hands lended and hugs given.

     

    As we prepare for the release of our book, The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendship, we have a special offer for e-mail subscribers only! We will send a newsletter on Friday to all subscribers with an exciting offer- if you aren’t a subscriber yet, it’s not too late! You can subscribe to our weekly email newsletter by entering your email address in the sidebar.

     

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  • I’m Going Rogue: Punching Culture in the Face With a Phone Call

    We are so happy to bring you a brand new friendship essay from one of our HerStories Project contributors, Vicky Willenberg. Vicky blogs at The Pursuit of Normal, and her essay, Big Girl Friendships, is featured in our upcoming book, which will be available in just two weeks! We bet you will be able to relate to the post she is sharing with us today: 

    I’m going rogue.  I’m going to take a cultural norm and smack it upside the head.  Am I going to challenge gender roles and the unreasonable expectations thrust upon women? Um, not really.  Am I going to admit that I often forget to turn off the water while brushing my teeth and I don’t even feel badly about the wasted water? Nope.

    I… am going to call you. Well, not all of you. But I am definitely calling some of you.

    I am breaking the cultural chains that have tried to convince me that I cannot and should not call my friends.  The same chains that have bound me to my computer, iPad and smartphone and have brainwashed me into believing that I don’t have time to make phone calls. Even more tragic is the fact I’ve convinced myself that I don’t need to call, that my current means of communication are enough.

    But the truth is, they aren’t enough.  So I will be making some changes.  I won’t be texting, Facebooking or emailing you. There will be no tweeting, Instagramming or Google Circling. Well, there might still be some of that, but that’s not all there will be.

    The truth is, friends, I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the way you roll your eyes when you’re telling me something your mother or mother-in-law did.  It’s been too long since I’ve seen you flail your arms as you share another story about your kid and how he just won’t pick up his clothes! And I miss nodding in solidarity when you heave a sigh and tell me how you and your husband feel more like roommates than lovers these days.

    I want to Laugh Out Loud with you and even Roll On The Floor Laughing. And when you tell me something utterly ridiculous, I want to Shake My Head. I mean physically shake my head with you… in the same room!

    I know it won’t be easy. We’ve become accustomed to this detached form communicating. It will be a tough habit to break largely because we did not arrive here intentionally.  Someone once told me that the best way to cook a frog is not to drop him in a pot of boiling water, but to put him in a pot of tepid water and set the heat to low.  Little by little the temperature will rise until the poor little sucker is cooking to death.  Unbeknownst to me, over the last few years I think I’ve slowly boiled my friendships to death.

    When I had my first child, I regularly chatted with girlfriends on the phone because my son was confined.  I could strap him into the swing or the bouncy seat and he happily stared at his feet or gnawed on his fist. But those days passed much more quickly than I expected.  Soon, he was on the move and all bets were off.  The minute I got on the phone he decided it was time to attempt climbing the stairs for the first time or riding the dog.  Talking on the phone was a bit like this…

    Vicky

    Next came the parenting phenomenon known as The Magnetic Phone began. The second I picked up the phone, my children were drawn to me like magnets with life or death questions such as, “Can you read this for me?” or “Do you know where my Lego guy is?” and my personal favorite, “Can I have a snack?”

    The next phase of parenting brought on the harsh reality that the “little ears” that rode around in my car were now big ears attached to an even bigger mouth; and unless I wanted my business discussed with the entire third grade or announced loudly in the aisles of Target, I needed to conduct all “adult conversations” after hours, in private.

    And so, it became virtually impossible to have meaningful conversations with my friends.  Slowly and surely I adapted and the Age of Texting dawned.

    I’ve come to realize, though, that this really isn’t communicating because “communication” by definition is the “exchanging of information.”  There was no “exchanging” going on. I was more or less dumping information as quickly as I could in a tiny window of time.

    I equate texting to Grammatical Photo Bombing. While stopped at a red light I am furiously texting the latest events of my life as fast as my fat thumbs and autocorrect will allow. I breathe a sigh of relief that I finished before the light turned green, hit send and I’m on my way.  You, on the other hand, are not sitting at a red light.  You are driving your child to soccer, while mentally planning dinner, reminding yourself to sign that permission slip and trying to figure out when you’re going to fold that clean load of laundry that has been sitting in the basket for 4 days.  Suddenly BOOM! You’ve got a text- smack in the middle of your life.  Like the goofy guy who waves and flashes a giant smile in the background of your photo, interrupting the romantic atomosphere, I’ve just interrupted your groove with a 2 paragraph synopsis of a recent altercation I had with a friend.  So you read it, plan your reply because you are a law abiding citizen and don’t text at red lights (unlike me) and get around to texting me when you have time- anywhere from 2 hours to 3 days later.

    This, friends, is not communicating. Whatever it is, it’s not enough for me. My friendships are worth more than 140 characters, the length of a red light, or the 11 minutes I sit in the carpool pick up line at school. YOU, my friends, are worth more.

    I wholeheartedly believe we were designed for community.  Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, the need to connect and share is ingrained in us. Our technology based lives trick us into believe that Text Bombing is connecting.

    I don’t feel like it’s been ages since I’ve seen you because I saw a picture of you and your sweet family at the pumpkin patch just yesterday.  Although sweet, that 3 second glimpse of you doesn’t strengthen our friendship nor does it tell me anything other than where you are.  But I want to know how you are. And I need to tell you how I am.

    Pictures and fun updates have their value of course. But I don’t necessarily need my friends to share in the fun happy times nearly as much as I need you when my life is in the crapper and I’m drowning in my over-scheduled, over-carpooled, over-guilted life. And no one’s posting that stuff on Facebook and if they are, they’re certainly not getting any “likes” for it.

    Simply put, the current trend of drive-by communicating does not satisfy my soul.

    The women I have chosen to call “friends” are amazing, complex people. They are women who enrich my life and help me be my best self.  Our friendships are beautiful and deep and fulfilling. And in order to glean all that they have to offer, I must invest the time to connect- truly connect, in a way that is meaningful.

    So I’m taking back my friendships. I’m restructuring my priorities and rediscovering what made you all my favorite people.  I’m going to call you. I’m going to stutter and mumble and giggle and drone on and on and on, on your answering machine. And if you have 5 minutes to call me back- awesome.  And if you don’t- well, that’s OK too because I know how busy you are and how hectic your schedule is.  But I want you to know in a way that’s meaningful to me, that YOU are important to me and I’d love to hear your voice when you’ve got some time.

    Being a rebel feels pretty good. You should join me.

    That’s just my normal.

     

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