Month: May 2014

  • It Takes a Village To Raise a Book

    One of the contributors to our HerStories Project book is a new fiction author! She’s just published The Rooms Are Filled: A Novel.We couldn’t be more proud and thrilled for Jessica Vealitzek! Today she writes about her friends and biggest supporters. 

    It Takes a Village to Raise a Book (1)

    It’s common to hear authors talk about the publication of their books as, “giving birth.” I always took that to just mean it was like delivering your baby to the world—it had been inside you for so long, and now it was coming out. But, now that I’m going through publication, I see there are other ways this somewhat gross analogy is accurate, and I’ll use another cliché to describe it:

    It takes a village.

    Not only to deliver and raise a child, but to deliver and raise a book.

    It would bore you to tears to list all the people who in some way—through words or actions, knowingly or not—have helped me. So, I’ll stick to telling you about just a few of my friends:

    Melanie (whom readers of the HerStories Project book will know) had a celebration the week I finished my final draft. It doesn’t matter the celebration was without me (she happened to be at dinner with several other couples and my name came up); knowing she told them all about my book and toasted me makes me smile. Several times since, she’s looked me in the eye—the kind of look that usually causes this Irish gal to look away—and told me she was proud of me. She’s known for bear hugs and I’ve gotten plenty. I sent her an advance copy, and she called me so I’d be on the phone when she opened the package and held my book—my baby—for the first time.

    My friend, Heather, is an endearingly obnoxious cheerleader for me—telling everyone she knows, and some she doesn’t, that I’ve written a book, with me standing right there. She’s kind of like the parent who has the child play piano for guests. Having gone through it many times now, I’m pretty sure I prefer Melanie’s method, deep stare and all. But I wouldn’t trade the embarrassing moments for a less enthusiastic friend, not a chance.

    My sister, Katie, pretty much acts like she is me—she posts all my essays and announcements on her Facebook page, emails all her friends about me, and generally does everything I would ask her to do, except I don’t even have to ask. She’s the one who would take the baby out of my exhausted arms and change its diaper.

    Ginny bought me a children’s book about making your mark in the world, and wrote a note inside so lovely it made me do the ugly cry in public. Again, very un-Irish of me. But it left me feeling strong and determined. She’s inspirational, and reminds me of the beauty of the whole picture.

    Catherine, Cindy, and I engage in “kid swaps.” These benefit all of us, but the afternoons they watch my children have enabled me to dedicate regular time to the enormous task of launching a book, all the while knowing my (literal) children are happy and safe.

    There are people online I know I can count on to support me, encourage me, and promote my writing, as I would for them. These online friendships are remarkable. I really do forget that I haven’t met some of them in person, they are such a vital part of who I am as a writer.

    What Jessica and Stephanie have started here is exactly what I’m talking about—a community of writers and friends supporting each other, lifting each other up. Writing can be solitary, the kind of solitary any new mom can relate to, and outside support is not only a plus, it’s absolutely necessary. It feeds the brain, the soul, and the side of you that gets nourishment from hanging out with those who know exactly how you feel.

    All of these friends consistently provide me with a chance to simply say, “Thank you.” I’m learning to let them make this a big deal, and I’m allowing myself to be proud, like they’re proud. In that way, their support is everything.

    And so, once upon a time, this village launched a book. It was hers, and theirs, and everyone’s.

    Jessica Null Vealitzek is the author of The Rooms Are Filled, the 1983 coming-of-age story of two outcasts brought together by circumstance: a Minnesota farm boy transplanted to suburban Chicago after his father dies, and the closeted young woman who becomes his teacher. You can read more about Jessica and her book on her web site.

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  • Nature Vs. Nurture: Friendship Styles and Our Kids

    Our guest post today comes from contributor Shannan Younger of the blog Tween Us. In her post, Shannan wonders how her own friendship style may be influencing her daughter. What are your hopes for your child’s friendships?

    naturevsnurture.jpg

    Freud believed that personality was fully formed by age 5. As the mom of an 11 year-old girl, I’ve been pondering that statement lately and specifically thinking about how personality impacts friendships.

    I think the vast array of personalities gives everyone a different, unique approach to friendships.

    Just a few close friends work really well for a lot of women I know, but there are also those who prefer or even need to be surrounded by large groups.

    Some ladies form close bonds immediately, if not sooner, whereas others take a while to really warm up.

    Ending a friendship is never easy, but there are women who are more comfortable with the idea of friendship for a season, however brief that may be, and who are the opposite of those who are always hoping for a life-long bond.

    Watching my child’s approach to friendships has been fascinating, especially as her social world continues to evolve. Even if the ideal was never fully realized, the “we’re friends with everyone in the class” approach made kindergarten seem so welcoming, but was emphasized less and less each year. And now my daughter is in junior high.

    The transition has meant learning to navigate both a new school and a new friendship landscape. The addition of both a large number of new classmates and raging hormones have been thrown into the mix. There’s a lot of drama. Not that there wasn’t any friendship drama in elementary school, but this is a whole new level.

    It’s not unfamiliar territory.

    I remember my middle school days as challenging in large part due to friend drama. While at the time it seemed that everything was happening to just me, tween female friendship troubles were and still are fairly universal.

    As my daughter’s friend drama amps up, I wonder to what extent I am responsible for her preferences. How does the nature vs. nurture debate factor into female friendships?

    We have similar but not identical approaches to friendships, from I can tell so far (and goodness knows there’s a lot that goes in the mind of an 11 year-old to which her mother is not privy). My daughter’s friendships are like a bullseye, different circles that expand and are less central to her as you move out.  In that way, she’s similar to me. I wonder if I had larger friend groups and handled crowds better if she would cast a wider net herself.  I doubt it, though. She’s more reserved with new friends than I am, she’s a little more likely to take things slow and a little less outgoing.

    I used to spend time worrying about how she would manage friendships. I’ll be honest and say that I still do, a bit.  She has to handle friends who are more deft at social engineering, the friends who are not always honest, and the friends who far more worldly than she is. Then it occurred to me that those are friendship issues to be managed at any age.

    I want to give her the space to do that, even if it means biting my lip really hard sometimes or cringing when things are rough. They are her friendships, hers to learn how to handle, to choose to cultivate, to learn from and to nurture, or not. My wish for her is that she finds friends. The number is not overly important, who love her for who she is, who give her understanding at this age when it feels like parents cannot begin to do so and who bring out the best in my special girl.

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